The Clash of Generations - The Rod and the child

All parents go through phases where they wish they had decided on not having kids at all. They are exasperating, thankless and completely out of hand, and this realization seems to be growing with the rising intelligence levels in successive generation. But yet, we faithfully go on producing the next generation and equally faithfully go on regretting it.

Here are some pointers on what how to handle this deep crisis in life, unmanageable children. It is almost as tough as the Masters in Management that you could have done if you were not so busy bearing and bringing up these children.

The first thing is to BE CONSISTENT. It is extremely difficult to stick to instructions with doggedness that would put a hungry puppy to shame. Child psychologists say this is the one-word- book on child rearing, never deviate from your instructions. No chocolates would essentially mean NO chocolates, come rain, hail, winter or storm. There is no way the parent needs to deviate from the norm, or else the sanctity of the instruction is lost. Children are very sensitive to these slight variations in tone and giving away to love.

The second thing to remember is to SAY IT ONCE. Anything if said too many times loses its significance. Your child needs to be told only once that he or she needs to do something, listen to you or not do something. There is a penalty clause (here punishment) attached, and they have to be aware of it. The penalty has to come in force after the disobedience takes place. In case you need to give the child three chances, if there is disobedience at the end of the third time, you are too irritated to think rationally and that is the end of discipline. Once the parent shouts, the authority is lost. So give no chances and take no chances!

Whatever punishment is promised, FOLLOW IT THROUGH. No one needs to be told anything four or five times. A child who has learnt to listen in the first time will not need another warning. So, say it once and then, do what you said you would do. Only then will the instruction take any effect.

And whatever happens, DON’T GIVE IN. If you give in once or twice, saying to yourself, its OK, once is OK, that’s the end of the whole effort. Your child will learn that once he or she makes a loud enough noise or creates a big enough tantrum and you will surely give in. Then, it is really the end of the road. So when you SAY NO, let it STAY NO. If you have fabricated a punishment or a situation that you cannot follow through, it makes no sense doing it. Children are quick to notice hesitation on your part. They also shrewdly assess how much rope can be given and what length of the rope you already have. Thereafter, it is literally, child’s play. So saying something for the sake of saying is completely out, never take that big a risk on your standing. The child’s idea of you as a parent will come down a few notches if you cannot stick to doing what you said you would do. Then it is difficult to get anything done at all.

Another important strategy is to COOL DOWN. There are so many things out there that you feel strongly about, and then there are even more things that you will be feeling strongly about as years pass, that it is impossible to attend to all of them, let alone making arguments of them all. There will be food topics, preferences, quantities, clothes topics, friends’ topics, and boyfriend or girlfriend topics, there will be makeup and loud music topics, there will be language and rudeness topics, there will be respect your parents topics, career choice topics…the list is endless, and not across the board. A lifetime is not enough to deal with all these so it is best to be selective. As parents, we too have to realize that not all the issues are lifelong; most of them will go away with time, so its best not to waste energy on them. What a discerning parent needs is to zero in on issues that may have a bearing on his or her psychology or relationship behavior in adulthood. Nothing else is important enough to make an issue out of. Even table manners that can be learnt in later life.