FANTASY SPORTS: Slugging 101 the Gonzos way

Hoo boy, did we drop the Hammer on the Dan E. Dan this past week, completing an 8-2 stomping and bringing our record to a meaty 2-0. Behind the surprising Jorge Posada and Corey Koskie, the Gonzos are in high gear and baring teeth.

"It's not our fault," explained a disgruntled Dan, whose Hip Hop Ladies' Man posse dropped to 0-2 and is beginning the fire sale early this year. "Our guys still think it's Spring Training."

Don't look now, but the rapper is in big trouble. His whupping at the hands of the Gonzos affected his show a few nights ago in Detroit, where the crowd wasn't as forgiving as Dan's players.

"He sucked," complained one disgruntled fan. "Usually, Dan E. Dan bounces around the stage, firing up the fans with his shotgun lyrics. Last night, he lollygagged around the stage like some beaten cur. It was pretty pathetic. After the show I went home and fed his CD to my pitbull."

So how did the embarrassing affair occur?

First, let me just say that Arizona Diamondbacks' outfield Luis Gonzalez is a monster, Twins youngster Cristian Guzman is the second coming of "Run Machine" Williams (don't remember him, don't worry!). ARod just happened to look at his checkbook and remember why he can bathe in bottles of Dom. The slugging shortstop sprung to life with four homers and 13 RBI last week.

Add to that an average pitching staff performance that simply held its own against a bunch of low-life scrubs and you've got a win. Let me say that while Kazuhiro Sasaki's ERA and WHIP aren't in the class of a Trevor Hoffman, you can't argue with four saves in one week.

Dan E. Dan's squad performed pathetically. Paul Konerko and Paul O’Neil supplied a one-two punch. That's not saying much when Jay Bell's your next best performer and Craig Biggio, Scott Rolen and Ritchie Sexson acted as if they faced Cy Young for one full week straight.

Dan's pitching was atrocious. Dave Burba and Rick Helling couldn't get the lights turned out. Shawn Estes and Tommy Glavine made it interesting.

So, by the end of Week Two, three teams were undefeated. Three are 0-2. Two are 1-1. One is 1-0-1. One is 0-1-1.

This week, the Gonzos are slugging it out with Lyle F. Spendthrift's Treasury Boys. At 1-1, they’re tough, but they need to resurrect J. Edgar Hoover or Elliott Ness in order to hang with the Gonzos. Even during an off-week and a man short – Bernie Williams hasn't even played in over a week while remaining in the lineup – the Gonzos don't plan to let down anytime soon.

Heading into the home stretch the Gonzos maintain a 6-4 lead. It's the same lead they've held all week. Spendthrift's boys include Jeff Bagwell, Sammy Sosa, Ivan Rodriguez and Andruw Jones. But they don't scare us. With Williams returning for the weekend games, it's an extra bat on the squad. This week should be easy pickings…. I've packed my fork and knife for the feast.

Until Monday, keep Prognosticating…