Being a Stepparent Can Be Challenging, But the Rewards Worth It

By Linda Orlando

Many people, when they think of stepparents, either call to mind an image of a wicked stepmother or the zany brood in "Yours, Mine, and Ours." But real world stepfamilies are of course another matter. It is not uncommon nowadays for families to be composed of children from different parents, and along with all the various types of extended families today’s society generates, there are also different approaches to making those families work.

Many new stepparents go overboard in trying to be the nicest adult in the multi-parent family they have jumped into. They may hope for the best, but when the family doesn’t pull together in harmony as they expected, frustration and disappointment can quickly ensue. According to the Stepfamily Association of America, it takes an average of seven years for a stepfamily to feel like a "real" family. Kenneth Buhr, a marriage and family therapist in San Diego, CA, says, "Most new stepparents want to get things started off perfectly from the very beginning, and they expect too much too soon."

With careful forethought and planning, as well as open communication, all parties to the new family arrangement can do their part to help the transition to being a stepfamily go smoothly. One of the first things to be done is for adults and children to gather to discuss what the future will hold for everyone. From housing arrangements to how holidays and vacations will be managed, it is better to get thing out on the table for discussion right off the bat. Doing this ahead of time will help to avoid holiday arguments and vacation stress, and help to get the lines of communication among family members established and set the tone for openness in the future. "It’s a challenge for busy families to find time to talk," says Buhr. "But open and frequent communication is the most important aspect of merging families."

Children in stepfamilies should be given the benefit of adult understanding from the outset. All parents involved need to understand that older children can be ambivalent about a host of issues, and adults should not take emotional outbursts personally. Teenagers especially, with raging hormones and peer pressures, may act out in ways that have nothing to do with the new family or the stepparent, and are more reflective of adolescent emotional development. Remember that younger children may be confused if a new man comes into their household when their Daddy is living somewhere else. At least initially, new stepparents and their stepchildren are probably feeling the same things and having the same questions about whether or not they like each other, and where everyone fits in.

If you don’t have children of your own or you will be serving as a "weekend stepparent," just focus on being yourself and don’t try to tailor yourself into being a new person when your stepchildren visit. If everyone is at ease, the whole family will be more comfortable and happy being together. But being a happy family unit takes time and effort, and dedication to a positive outcome. The desire to be an instant happy family as soon as possible will set you up for failure, and this may explain why most stepfamily divorces occur in the third year. "There’s so much going on when two families first merge," says Buhr, "from combining households to setting up routines, and there’s going to be bumps in the road. Trust and emotional bonds take time."

Prepare for a new stepfamily just like you would prepare for visiting a foreign country, because you will most likely be in foreign territory for some time until you get your bearings. Read books about becoming a stepparent, and seek advice from friends and family members who have had the experience. If problems arise that you don’t know how to handle, seek professional advice. Stepparents and the nurturing they bring to a family are often a positive force in what may have been a broken home prior to their arrival on the scene. A little forethought, planning, and open communication prior to and after becoming a stepparent can pave the way to a happy and cohesive family.