Faux Pas, and Flighty Spinners

WHOOPS!

When Ricky Ponting suggested recently that Bangladesh did not deserve Test status, only Wasim Akram ("shut your mouth") disagreed. Diplomatic expediency forced Ponting to retract the remark when Australia arrived in Dhaka last week, but when they slumped to 92 for 6 in reply to Bangladesh’s 427 in the first Test at Fatullah, the Spin was left wondering whether any comment can ever have backfired so gut-wrenchingly, teeth-grindingly, sweat-inducingly badly. Here are a few contenders:

"I intend to make them grovel" - After only three Tests as England captain Tony Greig decided it was time to throw his weight around and wind up the West Indians ahead of their five-Test tour in 1976. It was bad enough to hear a white man use the kind of language that harked back, however unwittingly, to the days of slavery. It was even worse coming from the lips of a blond South African. "The word grovel is one guaranteed to raise the blood pressure of any black man," said the West Indies captain Clive Lloyd. His side won 3-0 and the grovelling was done exclusively by the English.

"6-0" - Graham Yallop did not use the word grovel, but he might well have done as he prepared to a captain an Australian team weakened by defections to Kerry Packer against Mike Brearley’s England in 1978-79. His insane prediction actually came close: the result was 5-1. It was just a shame that the winners were England and not Australia. Yallop’s whinge-filled book about the series, Lambs to the Slaughter, made for bittersweet nostalgic reading for England fans during the years 1989-2004.

"England have nothing to fear" - Keith Fletcher’s spying mission to watch India in South Africa in 1992-93 ahead of England’s tour of the subcontinent that winter turned into an Austin Powers piece of bravado. His dismissal of Anil Kumble as a bowler who doesn’t turn it helped convince England that the Indians were there for the taking. India won the Tests 3-0 and Kumble pocketed 21 wickets.

"What was it like being a black man in a mainly white team?" - The BBC sports journalist Adrian Chiles had been briefed either by an idiot or a sicko when he interviewed the former Zimbabwean chicken-farmer-cum-medium-pacer Eddo Brandes live on radio. Rarely can the words "Er, I’m white" have been greeted with such embarrassment.

"I’m not aware of any mistakes I have made" - England’s then chairman of selectors Ted Dexter held a slightly different view from the rest of the country after the 4-0 home defeat by Australia in 1989. Twenty-nine players in six Tests, Ted?

"We, Marylebone Cricket Club, deplore your cable" - The Australian Cricket Board had sent a complaint to the MCC over England’s Bodyline tactics in 1932-33, so there was only one thing for it: cling on at all costs to the illusion that Englishmen were incapable of anything but fair play and tell the Aussies where to stick it (a tactic that still works in the pubs of south-west London when you’re arguing over the change with a barman from Adelaide). In 1935, the MCC showed what they really thought of Douglas Jardine’s tactics by making it illegal to have more than two fielders behind square on the leg-side.

"Hoggard’s like a net bowler when you compare him to McGrath and Kasprowicz" - Jeff Thomson’s assessment ahead of the 2005 Ashes looked reasonable enough after Lord’s, but then it changed. McGrath stood on a stray ball, something no self-respecting net bowler would ever do, and Kasprowicz was soon dropped ... to become a net bowler. Hoggard ended up with 16 wickets at under 30 each, and Thomson went into hiding.

"Ian Bell will score 8,000 Test runs at an average of 45" - Can’t think who would have written that (we can, Lawrence - Spin Ed), and it still might happen. But it would help if Bell stopped nibbling addictively outside off-stump.

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"The game could have been played and the situation could have been avoided, but the umpires made the wrong decision" - PK Deb, the vice-president of the Assam Cricket Association, transparently tries to shift the blame for the riot at Guwahati onto the umpires for refusing to allow the fifth one-day international between India and England to be played on a waterlogged pitch.

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EXTRAS

The road from Ranchi airport to Jamshedpur is long, tedious and contains more holes than one of the Spin’s more cogent arguments. Mosquitoes keep you company en route and the honking of the driver’s horn skilfully ensures against a quick nap. The heat is unbearable and the terrain reminiscent of one of the desert scenes in Star Wars. And it all takes three hours. If you could fly, you would. The journalists, of course, had no such luxury, which might have been punishment for accusing England of overusing the sweep shot at Delhi. But the England team - with the exception of the backroom staff and Jimmy Anderson - transferred straight from the charter flight from Guwahati onto a smaller plane that headed direct for Jamshedpur.

The Indians, meanwhile, had to rough it on the road. All, that is, except for Harbhajan Singh, who clearly knows which side his naan is buttered. The Spin smelt a rat the moment our flight touched down at Ranchi. Showing a turn of pace normally reserved for caught-and-bowled chances, Harbhajan sprinted down the aisle to grab his bag from an overhead locker, then legged it from the plane in the direction of ... the England aircraft! Yes, while the rest of his team-mates were wearily preparing themselves for the non-ride of a lifetime, Harbhajan had decided to take the pitch out of the equation by flying with the opposition.

Ever since Sourav Ganguly commandeered the Indian team bus to take him and his personal entourage from Napier airport to the team hotel (minus, of course, the team), the Spin has always had a healthy regard for Indians who take unilateral decisions on the matter of transport. But the team management were not quite so impressed. The Indians seemed unaware that Harbhajan had left them to be with his mates in the England team, while the English management were simply bemused. As for the journalists, by the time their luggage had failed to appear 90 minutes after landing, a case of airport-rage was on the cards. Next time Harbhajan looks twitchy, the Spin is going after him.

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THE WEEK IN CRICKET

Mohammad Asif takes 11 for 71 as Pakistan recover from a first-innings deficit of 109 to bowl Sri Lanka out for 73 and win the second Test at Kandy by eight wickets ... Pakistan take the series 1-0, their third win in a row ... They have now gone nine Tests unbeaten ... Ricky Ponting says South Africa did not deserve to win any of the six Tests played between the sides recently ... Australia won five of them ... India take an unassailable 4-0 lead in their one-day series against England following a four-wicket win at Cochin ... Kevin Pietersen hits to 71 to top-score for the 10th time in 20 one-day innings for England, but India are never in trouble chasing down 237 ... They respond by resting Rahul Dravid for the fifth and sixth games and handing the captaincy to Virender Sehwag ... Australia appoint Andrew Hilditch as their new chairman of selectors ... Hilditch, 49, won 18 Test caps before being dropped for good in 1985 after displaying a fatal attraction to the hook shot ... Chaminda Vaas is declared fit for Sri Lanka’s tour of England, which begins later this month ... Glamorgan sign the New Zealand left-arm seamer James Franklin for 2006 ... The ICC add England’s Mark Benson, West Indies’s Billy Doctrove and Pakistan’s Asid Rauf to their new elite panel of umpires ... The former England fast bowler Chris Silverwood leaves Yorkshire for Middlesex ... The fifth ODI at Guwahati between India and England is abandoned without a ball bowled, prompting a mini-riot in the stands from frustrated spectators ... Bangladesh make 427 in the first Tests at Fatullah against Australia, who slip to 92 for 6 in reply before avoiding the follow-on after a brilliant 144 from Adam Gilchrist