It’s Mine! It’s All Mine

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—zsa zsa gabor

Splitting up things that have exchanged hands during a relationship is a tricky business. (That’s why lawyers are so good at it.)

But why hire a sharky attorney when you can peruse our guide to getting what’s rightfully yours?

First, a word of advice: the best thing to do is to give your ex everything that you can reasonably part with. Graciousness is a rare quality in a breakup, but it’s one we advocate, in theory. If you are the dumper and have decided that you’d now like to get with your ex’s best friend, being very generous might help you get over those pesky guilty feelings. On the other hand, if you’re the dumpee, you might be hoping that your ex is feeling majorly guilty. So you’ll want to play up your victimhood by dramatically ­relinquishing all possessions accumulated during the ­relationship.

And then there are situations where you just want to get your crap back and don’t want to waste time with mind games. If that’s the place you’re in, read on.

If You’re Not Living Together

In cases of noncohabitation, you should assume anything your ex has left at your home is yours. His favorite T-shirt, the one that smells like college? Yours if you want it. Feel free to wear it or to make it into a rag. That bottle of Valium? Pop away! His or her wallet? Finders keepers (American Express weepers!). Anything you don’t want and don’t feel like returning can always be sold on eBay or Craig’s List.

There’s a chance, however, that he or she might bug you about wanting stuff back. Should this be the case, we have three words for you: avoid, avoid, avoid. Phone numbers can be changed. E-mails can, too, even identities. Did you always want to be a blonde? Now is the time. And you can always put a new name on your doorbell to cause confusion should he or she come by in person.

Or, you can make appointments to drop things off and then cancel at the last minute. Eventually, your ex will get fed up and just buy a new toothbrush (a healthy habit regardless of your dating situation).

To make sure you don’t end up on the other side of this equation, we suggest never leaving anything at anyone’s home if it’s something you are not ready to give up.

However, if you have made the mistake of leaving a special pair of undies at your ex’s and you are now determined to get them back, we have another three words to impart, because you are despicably cheap: pester, pester, pester.

Call, drop by, and then call again. Write a letter if you need to, and don’t be afraid to get a cop to do some of the pestering for you. If you can’t convince a cop to get on your side, you can always pay a stripper to dress up like one.

If You Are Living Together

Once spaces and belongings have been combined, things get complicated.

If you can still tolerate one another, the distribution can go rather smoothly; however, just because you can’t be in the same room without being armed with mace doesn’t mean possessions can’t be equitably divided.

But first, remember: anything that you brought into the relationship should be yours when you leave, period.

Don’t be afraid to write your name in the books and on the pans that were yours before you found yourself sharing a studio apartment that would normally not be big enough for an Oompa-Loompa. Don’t be ashamed—think of it as a poor man’s prenuptial agreement.

Things that were purchased jointly, or during those dark years of coupledom, are a different story.

Here are our thoughts on how things should be split up:

If you’re                                If you
getting along . . .                   hate each other . . .

Books

Books purchased during the relationship should be divvied at the discretion of the person who actually laid out the cash for the book. If there was no clear ­purchaser or if, say, The Unbearable Lightness of­ ­Being was given to you as a joint gift and you both want it, then you either need to sell it second­hand and split the money, or buy another copy as cheaply as possible. Try looking at http://www.isbn.nu. If this method doesn’t appeal, try ­putting all the contested books in a bag and take turns fishing them out grab-bag style.

If you’re                                If you
getting along . . .                   hate each other . . .

Books on tape should be exploded with dynamite, regardless of who purchased them. 

Music

CDs can be easily copied or made into MP3s, so if you devote a few hours to it, you and your ex can walk away from the relationship with the same music library for the cost of as many blank CDs. Don’t have the time? Get an intern to do it for you at work. That’s what they’re there for.

Wedding Jewelry

Splitting jewelry can some- times be a legal matter. That’s right—there are breakup laws! In most states, a wedding ring belongs to whoever is—er, was—wearing it.

The engagement ring traditionally is considered the property of the woman since it was given to her as a gift, so it’s up to her whether to keep it or return it . . . or to sell it.

If you’re                                If you
getting along . . .                   hate each other . . .

Usually, she doesn’t return it unless it was an heirloom in the man’s family.

Pets

Usually one person has a slightly closer bond to an animal than the other person, or else one person has a schedule that’s more accommodating to pets. This is the person that should get the pets, but the ex should be allowed to visit or borrow the animal if he or she wants to get on Stupid Pet Tricks. If this fails, there’s always cloning.

Furniture

Draw up a list of all the pieces of furniture that need to be divided, then discuss which one of you wants or needs each piece more. Try to split things in such a way that you both feel you’ve gotten some things that were really important to you.

If one person is going to get the bulk of the furniture, he or she should offer to drive the other person to Ikea, and should offer to contribute to the cost of new items.

Photos

Digital photos can be copied onto disks so that each person has them. Nondigital photos can be copied also if you have the negatives. If you don’t, take them to where they can scan them onto a disk. If the photos are indecent, this latter method might net you a new lover, depending on how you look naked and whether you’re into dating people who work at Kinko’s.

If you’re                                If you
getting along . . .                   hate each other . . .

Dishes

Whoever picked out the pattern should get to keep the dishes, but he or she should then help select and pay for the ex’s new set.

Friends

Friends usually divide on their own. If they don’t, they should be able to split time between both of you.

Places

If you share a favorite restaurant or video store that you are both going to want to continue to frequent after the breakup, you might worry about having to be there at the same time (especially if you’re on a date). If this is the case, one of you should be allowed to go to it for the first six months of every year, and the other should have access for the second six months. Or you can each take it for one-half of every week.

Do me a favor, for your own good, put your name in your books

right now before they get mixed up and you won’t know whose is whose.

’Cause someday, believe it or not, you’ll go fifteen rounds

over who’s gonna get this coffee table.

This stupid, wagon-wheel, Roy Rogers, garage-sale coffee table.

—harry, when harry met sally

How to Use Points to Divide Things

This is a simplified version of the "Adjusted Winner" algorithm. No, we don’t know what an algorithm is either, but it sounds pretty fancy, eh? (We didn’t make it up—it was developed by Steven J. Brams and Alan D. Taylor, authors of the book The Win-Win Solution.)

Step 1: Make two identical lists of all the things you are trying to split up—do not include items that can’t be easily sold, like friends or pets. Unless you operate in the black market, you shouldn’t include children.

Let’s say your items are a particle-board Ikea bookshelf, an Elton John Greatest Hits, 1970–2002 CD, a cordless drill, and an economy-size package of ramen noodles.

Step 2: You and your ex both write on your respective lists a point value that corresponds to how much you want the possession. Your points, when added up, must equal one hundred.

So, imagine you have allotted the ramen noodles fifty-five points, because it’s the only thing you know how to cook. The drill, you give ten points. You’re not a Tool Time type. You then give the bookshelf thirty points, and the Elton John CD gets the remaining five.

Your soon-to-be ex loves anything Ikea—even their meatballs!—and therefore gives the shelf thirty-five points. He gives both the drill and the ramen noodles ten points. Last, the Elton John CD gets forty-five points, because your ex believes that "Daniel" is his (or her) theme song.

YOU                                    EX

Elton John CD                        5       45

Drill                                     10      10

Bookshelf                             30      35

Ramen noodles                      55      10

Step 3: Divide the possessions so that the person who gave each thing the most points gets it. So, this means you get the noodles and your soon-to-be ex gets the bookshelf and the CD. Hold off on dividing items where the points were tied (in this case, that would be the drill).

Step 4: Add up how many points what you got is worth to you. Your noodles were fifty-five points, so you are left with fifty-five points. Your soon-to-be ex, however, ended up with eighty points. (Jerk!) Because you are the one with fewer points, you get to take the tied item, the drill, in order to try to even the scale. But you still have only sixty-five to your rival’s eighty.

Step 5: To make everything a bit more even, you need to liquidate one (or more) of the objects to which you both gave the most similar point value, and then split the cash. The actual algorithm has some kind of complicated formula for this part, but who has the time? In this case, let’s say the item you choose to turn into cash is the Ikea bookshelf. So, if you get fifty bucks for the shelves on eBay, you’ll walk away from the relationship with twenty-five dollars, a drill, and enough ramen to last a cold, cruel winter.

I’m not a witch, I’m your wife.

And after what you just said,

I’m not even sure I want to be that anymore.

—valerie,

the princess bride