10 ways to improve baseball

Major League Baseball has its share of problems. Just last season we had an almost-strike, an All-Star Game tie, the commissioner threatening to dissolve two teams, accusations of rampant steroid use, and for the 12th straight seasonn we had a non-Reds champion. Now we have a dead pitcher.

Aside from MLB's tarnished image is the makeup of the sport itself. With the hard-hitting action of football, and the fast, up-and-down style of sports like hockey and basketball, it's easy to understand how baseball could fade into the background. A season filled with 162 long, drawn-out games featuring fat players, fatter managers, and morbidly obese umpires, just doesn't appeal as much to America in 2003.

Is baseball still our national pastime? Probably not. Is it still great? Of course. There's no reason to give up on it.

Let's look on the bright side. For the last two years, the Yankees have not won the World Series. Roger Clemens is getting closer to retirement every day. The World Champion Angels gave us the Rally Monkey to smile about. And haven't the antics of Ken Caminiti and Jose Canseco amused us all? Sure they have.

Major League Baseball will be fine, it just needs a little tune-up. With just a few changes, we can turn this Hyundai of a league into a Saturn, maybe even a Pontiac. With just 10 simple alterations, I can improve baseball's image and appeal.

1. Ban performance-enhancing drugs, not recreational drugs.

Baseball's most sacred records are being tainted by the use of steroids and steroid-like substances. Gigantic-headed freaks who look nothing like their rookie cards are hitting home runs at a ridiculous pace. This allows players like Todd Hundley and Brady Anderson to sign huge contracts as a reward for one good year, cripple their teams financially, get fat and complacent, and destroy a perfectly good sport.

On the other hand, does anyone care if players enjoy getting high in their free time? I sure don't. Does the fact that the entire roster of the 1986 Mets was coked-up tarnish their legacy? No. The fact is that testing for recreational drug use is an unnecessary invasion of privacy. Of course, since it is against the law, players should still be disciplined for being caught by the police. I mean, if you can't keep your hookers quiet enough while snorting blow in a hotel hallway to keep the cops away, maybe you deserve a suspension.

2. Get the Expos out of Montreal.

Whose idea was it to give French-Canadians a baseball team? It's like giving a computer to old people and watching as they try to figure out what exactly to do with it. This situation needs to be rectified as soon as possible. I'd like to suggest Gary, Indiana as a possible new home for the franchise.

3. Scale down intraleague play.

Many sports journalists would like to see intraleague play completely vanish. But then we would lose such regional matchups as Mets-Yankees, Cubs-White Sox, Indians-Reds, and Angels-Dodgers. Series between such rivals competing for their territory are always a big draw and fun to watch.

My mouth doesn't exactly water when I see that the Texas Rangers will be in town to play the Dodgers this season. Especially now that Caminiti is no longer on the club. Nor does anyone cross days off the calendar until the Orioles play the Astros. For each team, there will be two home, and two road series of hot NL-AL drama.

4. Bring back the bullpen car.

Why it went away at all, I'll never know. The car is to be driven by the team mascot or a midget.

5. In the event of a meaningless late-season game, teams will play a different sport.

Picture this scenario. It's late September. The Royals and Brewers are engaging in an athletic contest today. However, the sports world is abuzz, and they will play in front of a sold-out crowd. Are they in the pennant race? Of course not. (It's Royals-Brewers, remember?)

Everyone will be tuning in to see which team is better at ice hockey. Elsewhere, a Pirates-Cubs hoops game and a Marlins-Padres freestyle rap contest have captured the hearts of a nation. I love this idea.

6. MetsVision(tm).

When is a team more interesting in the dugout than on the field? When it's the New York Mets of recent years. That is why I propose that during a television broadcast, the bottom-right corner of the screen should feature what is going on it the Mets' dugout, bullpen, and clubhouse. Which relief pitcher is currently getting high and possibly having a seizure? Who is Robbie Alomar beating up or spitting on? Which Mets are enjoying a game of go fish instead of watching the game? Is that Mo Vaughn eating an entire deep-fried turkey? With MetsVision, you will see it as it happens.

Note: MetsVision(tm) will be a feature of all baseball telecasts, not just those featuring the Mets.

7. No more Kevin Costner baseball movies.

This has to be enforced by either the commissioner's office or the players' union. It could even be a common ground in labor negotiations. Something everyone can agree on.

8. Topps Felon Series Baseball Cards.

Here's an exchange that we should be hearing from kids in the near future:

Kid A: I'll trade you my "Vince Coleman throwing a firecracker into a crowd of people" and my "Pete Rose tax evasion" cards for your "Kevin Mitchell assaulting his father" and "Dwight Gooden drunk driving."

Kid B: No way! You already screwed me out of my "Daryl Strawberry having intercourse in a rehab-center closet." Besides, I only need a few more cards to complete the mug shot checklist.

9. Twice per month, each stadium must have Dollar Beer Night.

Six-dollar beers and declining attendance are not a coincidence but a direct cause-and-effect relationship. This puts the fans in a position where they either spend too much money, or watch a baseball game entirely sober. This is a lose-lose scenario, usually settled by not going to the game at all. No one I know has ever been drawn to a game by Free Magnet Night. Dollar Beer Night, properly promoted, is almost a guaranteed sellout.

In college, I went to see a Dayton Bombers' minor league hockey game with three friends. It was 50 Cent Beer Night. We don't remember who won or any other details, but we had the time of our lives and went to several more games that season. This seemingly pointless story illustrates that even casual fans can be drawn to a sporting event by something as simple as cheap booze.

10. Get rid of the Designated Hitter. Let me start by saying that I don't like seeing pitchers hit all that much either. They're awful at it. What I like even less is seeing an overweight 40-year-old who is too out of shape to even play first base, being rolled into the batter's box by batboys, several years past the prime of his once-great career, chasing after 3,000 hits or 500 home runs under false pretenses.

The designated hitter is the adult version of "all-time quarterback" in an uneven pickup football game. It also allows jerks like Roger Clemens to throw at someone's head on a whim, because he knows that he is immune to any revenge.

Q: What do you get if you remove strategy from baseball? A: The American League. Does an AL manager have to do anything? "Hey you, hit a homerun." "OK, coach."

Think of all the useless players that have jobs. Matthew LeCroy, Frank Thomas, Ellis Burks. The DH has GOT to go.

If these innovations can't help baseball, I have a Plan B up my sleeve. I won't get into it, but it involves making rule changes incorporating a 100-yard gridiron and an oblong, leather ball.