FANTASY SPORTS: Fool's fancy

I hath returned from a self-imposed exile in the jungles of Latin America… and not a moment too soon. Actually, I've been back for a little while but that's another story for a different day.

During my absence much has happened, and the bottom line is that the world seems to be going to hell in a hand basket. Don't believe me? Consider this: Prez Dubya is pushing a major tax cut that benefits the wealthy. Violence in the Middle East is at an all-time high and looks to be one step from the brink of war. In Israel's West Bank and Gaza Strip they're burning U.S. flags, not Israeli flags, in protest. The Russians are pissed off that we expelled several dozen of their spies. The Chinese are biding their time and getting stronger. And don't forget about the energy crisis – what's your gas bill look like these days?

In sports, there's always the demise of the XFL, Richard Williams latest escapades, plummeting ratings in the NBA and plenty of criminal activity in the NFL. The big news, however, is that baseball's collective bargaining agreement is in its last year and the owners aren't too happy about seeing one player making $25 million a year. There could be a lengthy lockout and protracted battle right after the World Series. But…. there's always this season, and the Great Prognosticator is a fantasy baseball fanatic. So let's get started.

I've been mulling around with fantasy sports in one form or another since the 1980s, and have spent the last five years in a "keeper" baseball league with a group of cronies that'll make the average powerbroker's head spin. Each year, the 10 of us toss in $1,000 apiece (just to make it fun) and have at it. We send faxes and e-mails back and forth, talking trash and driving each other's secretaries nuts. It's a winner-take-all affair, and unlike my buddies I can always use the $10G payoff at the end. For them, it's basically for bragging rights and an opportunity to call each of us from some luxurious vacation the other nine of us paid for and laugh.

The names are changed to protect the indulgent, but I've decided it could be a hoot to share this season's experience with the fine e-sports.com readers and even, if they're so inclined, offer them the opportunity to chime in on the Great Prognosticator's moves and make suggestions.

I'll be frank. There's no guarantee I'll take 'em cause odds are, I'm smarter than you. I've got a cooler dog also, whose probably smarter than you, too (see photo of Prog). But, it's true that "The Team" has fallen on hard times in recent years and, due to realignment and a new draft three years back, is but a shell of the dynasty it once was (think: Pedro J, Ken Griffey, ARod, Kevin Brown AND Piazza on one team). And these are the guys that lobby Congress NOT to break up monopolies!

Let's get down to business, shall we?

Our draft is always the Sunday before Opening Day, which means it's this weekend. We like to wait until the last possible moment to do this because you never know who's going to bust an arm or pull a groin muscle in the waning days of Spring Training. No good business owner – be it a fantasy franchise or Fortune 100 company – wants to invest in a losing cause.

We play head-to-head, which offers more trash talking – a must among people who light cigars with $100 bills. We load up a 23-man roster – two of each position player plus five outfielders, five starting pitchers and three relievers. And, we get to carry a taxi squad of five guys, any combination.

We use five categories for pitchers: WINS, ERA, WHIP, K/9 Innings and SAVES

And five for position players: RUNS, RBIs, ON-BASE PERCENTAGE, TOTAL BASES and STEALS

We protected five players from last year's squad (keep in mind we fell on hard times with bad injuries, scrubs falling apart and other terrible happenings). Here are the 10 teams:

THE GREAT PROGNOSTICATOR Carl Everett, OF, BOS Luis Gonzalez, OF, AZ Bernie Williams, OF, NYY Frank Thomas, 1B, CHISOX Alex Rodriguez, SS, TEX

ALFRED J. HOMER, CEO, National Bank Congomerate Inc. Robby Alomar, 2B, CLE Chipper Jones, 3B, ATL Jim Thome, 1B, CLE Bartolo Colon, SP, CLE Mariano Rivera, RP, NYY

STEVEN J. POLLMER, CEO, Macrohard Corp. Johnny Damon, OF, OAK Todd Helton, 1B, COL Jeff Kent, 2B, SF Magglio Ordonez, OF, CHISOX Mike Piazza, C, NYMETS

Rep. THOMAS J. SLICK (R-MISS) Tony Batista, 3B, TOR Armando Benitez, RP, NYMETS Greg Maddux, SP, ATL Curt Schilling, SP, AZ Billy Wagner, RP, HOU

Sen. RALPH B. SLUGGER (D-ALA) Barry Bonds, OF, SF Sean Casey, 1B, CIN Juan Gonzalez, OF, CLE Gary Sheffield, OF, LA Pedro Martinez, SP, BOS

Undersecretary of the Treasury LYLE F. SPENDTHRIFT Jeff Bagwell, 1B, HOU Nomar Garciaparra, SS, BOS Andruw Jones, OF, ATL Ivan Rodriguez, C, TEX Sammy Sosa, OF, CHI

Gov. WILLIE JOHNSON Jason Giambi, 1B, OAK Vladimir Guerrero, OF, MON Derek Jeter, SS, NYY Kevin K. Brown, SP, LA Randy Johnson, SP, AZ

U.S. FEDERAL PRISONER #456-33-3123-0009-1310 Edgardo Alfonzo, 2B, NYMETS Brian Giles, OF, PITT Shawn Green, OF, LA Jason Kendall, C, PITT David Wells, SP, CHISOX

DAN E. DAN, Lead singer, Hip Hop Ladies' Man Craig Biggio, 2B, HOU Omar Vizquel, SS, CLE Tom Glavine, SP, ATL Derek Lowe, RP, BOS Mike Mussina, SP, NYY

RICHARD G. FIZZLE, CEO, SuperCola Products Inc. Carlos Delgado, 1B, TOR Troy Glaus, 3B, ANA Ken Griffey Jr., OF, CIN Mark McGwire, 1B, ST. LOUIS Manny Ramirez, OF, BOS

Let the games begin….. the draft is Sunday at noon. If you have suggestions or comments, please e-mail them to ppfb@aol.com. Otherwise, look for this column appearing every Monday explaining the week that was… or wasn't in the Fatty-B league.