MLB: Psychic Insight into the 2001 Season

We are officially on the brink of baseball season, and certain sports magazines have bravely predicted that last year’s champion is the favorite to be this year’s champion. Anyone who’s anyone, however, knows that if you want decent predictions, you go to one of two sources: the Farmer’s Almanac or the Weekly World News.

Unfortunately, the baseball predictions are conspicuously absent from the latest edition of the Weekly World News. An insider at the publication’s headquarters—speaking exclusively to e-sports!—has told us that the 2001 WWN Baseball Predictions have been nixed because, if released, they would cause a public panic. There are times when journalistic integrity demands that certain seemingly drastic actions take place. This is one of those times. Although the Weekly World News will deny it, below are their official predictions for the coming baseball season.

Fantastic Sightings around the League!

Spring training is almost over, but already people are sending documented proof of grotesque phenomena!

Wrigley Field haunted by Harry Caray’s ghost—and he’s drunk! Marge Schott’s new pet: a two-headed goat! Satan’s face visible in the Green Monster! The half-human "bat boy" employed by the Kansas City Royals … as an equipment manager!

The Bible Forecasts Disaster for the National League Central!

A little known verse in Exodus states that the seven plagues of Egypt will revisit themselves on the teams in the National League Central Division. Exodus 14:4 states "They are wandering aimlessly in the land; the wilderness has shut them in." Biblical scholars interpret this verse to mean that God hates the wild card and blames this on the creation of the Central Divisions. The plagues that Moses inflicted upon Egypt during the Israelites’ captivity, therefore, will recur—this time on the NL Central. These include:

Toilets at Cinergy will flood! Mets fans will descend like locust upon Busch Stadium! Craig Biggio will return to the Disabled List with boils! The first baseman from every team will be killed!

The Baseball Secrets the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know!

Ever since baseball was declared a national critical infrastructure, the enemies of the United States have targeted against the sport. The FBI and CIA have stood up crisis action teams to track the subversive agents of foreign governments around the world as they plan to disrupt and sabotage the national pastime. Among the plots revealed to date:

Saddam Hussein plans to deliver poisoned hotdogs to parks around the country. The United Nations will fold Major League Baseball into a One World League. China will send 10,000 children to snatch up the Teenie Beanies at every Beanie Baby promotion. France is sending loud pseudo-fans to boo when umpires call the new high strike! Radical feminist leftists will bully mascots around the league.

Chinese Zodiac Reveals Division Champs!

The Chinese zodiac is based on a 12-year cycle, where the year you were born dictates your character—and to a certain extent your fate! 2001 is the Year of the Snake, which obviously bodes well for the Arizona Diamondbacks. It also promises victory for the teams that were "born" on previous Years of the Snake, such as 1977, the year the Seattle Mariners and Toronto Blue Jays joined Major League Baseball. Previous Snake years were 1917, the last time the White Sox won a World Series.

Russian–Alien Conspiracy to Buy World Series!

Desperate to return to its status as a world power, Russia plans to discredit the United States by impugning the crown jewel of its sports heritage. By bribing the favored team and causing the nation great shame, Russia envisions castigating America and winning over our allies. Without the necessary means to bribe multi-million dollar players, however, Russian President Vladimir Putin has signed an agreement with extraterrestrials! The aliens will supply technology and gadgets that dazzle even rich, modern young men in exchange for the use of St. Petersburg as a logistical center and the recipe for vodka.

Although U.S. counterintelligence agents are already working on this case, even national security experts are issuing a stern warning: Don’t bet on the Yankees!