Never felt more like not singing the blues

Chewing gum, according to research carried out at the University of Northumbria, can improve your memory significantly. Having emptied one packet, and with another about to be opened, I regret to say that this particular gum chewer was no nearer to remembering who won last year's University Boat Race than he had been half an hour previously. It was either . . . but, no, we don't want to get dragged down that particular towpath of blue and dark blue jokes. Fortunately help is now at hand in the shape of www.theboatrace.org.

Yes, even the dear old boat race has a website these days, where it is possible to read about every event since the inaugural thrash in 1829. It will also help you discover, should you be remotely interested, that in those early encounters some 90% of Blues, having downed their oars, entered the church, while now the same percentage goes into banking. Others, better qualified in the field of social trends and influences, must decide if this is the church's loss, or banking's gain.

In my childhood this was the week when primary schoolchildren (or was it just the boys?) challenged each other with the pugnacious question: "Who are you for?" and did not expect any reply other than "Oxford" or "Cambridge". Surely there cannot be a state school in the land where such an interrogation happened this week. Most youngsters, or so it seems from limited research, have never heard of the boat race, let alone care who might win it.

My preference was always for Cambridge, though goodness knows why. Neither of my parents went to university, and the reason for choosing the light blues was probably because Cambridge was slightly nearer my birthplace than Oxford, or they were on a winning streak at the time. But for whatever reasons, and most of them were equally nebulous, we were fiercely partisan, to the point of feeling genuinely depressed when "our" university lost. What complete nonsense it all was, and continues to be.

And yet, so research figures suggest, some six million will tune into the BBC, aka Oxbridge on the air, this Saturday, while the global audience, so it is alleged, will be some 400 million comprising viewers in 180 countries.

In Britain, only the FA Cup final, the Grand National, the British grand prix, and the men's Wimbledon final attract larger TV audiences for sport, which would lead any sane person to suppose that some sort of collective lunacy strikes our viewing nation at this Lenten time of year - the effects of fasting, perhaps, weakening both the mind and the physical power needed to change channels.

It is obvious why huge numbers turn up every year at Twickenham to watch sub-standard rugby between Oxford and Cambridge, because it is simply an excuse for a huge corporate bash. But why oh why do ordinary folk, without the slightest link to either university, much less rowing, glue themselves to the goggle box for what is undoubtedly the most tedious sporting event of the year? And don't tell me that sinking, rowing into the back of barges or bridges, or locking oars is exciting unless you have led the most dismally sheltered of lives.

According to the enthusiasts, it is the boat race's simple format, coupled with the Corinthian spirit so "evidently" on display, which draws the viewers like rats to poison. I doubt it, although in all likelihood the two eights will comprise the fittest athletes in the land. Unlike virtually all the other sports at Oxford and Cambridge for which blues are awarded, the rowers at least deserve them.

This is rowing of an international or Olympic standard, with sponsorship providing the sort of professional back-up and refinement of preparation which might be deemed the very opposite of Corinthian.

No, if you want to understand the enduring appeal of the race then look no further than the three sponsors the boat race has attracted. First Ladbrokes, representative of those who feel compelled to watch even a two-horse race; Beefeater Gin, representative of those who would watch anything if sufficiently lubricated; and, finally, the current sponsors, Aberdeen Assets Management, representative of those who feel more inclined to stay at home, watch their sport on telly, and invest their money elsewhere.

No hard feelings, and the top of the tide to both teams, but the days when I let myself become blue about the blues have long since gone.

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