Pass the TUMS

After four years of college and weekly weekend partying at the beach for the last two summers, my stomach has begun to show signs of a slight ulcer.

The gut-wrenching pain associated with March Madness is the only thing that trumps the discomfort I experience when eating a breakfast burrito at 4 a.m.

I know it's cliche to talk about what an unbelievable time of year this is for the sporting world but you know what, I am going to do it anyway because the drama and excitement that the nations feels is something that cannot be discussed enough.

The bond that people feel for their alma maters, the pain, the agony and the ecstasy are things we as fans cannot get enough of, and I haven't even mentioned those that have a little something invested in these games.

Gambling is such an ugly word, it connotes images of bat-wielding guys in black leather coats you see in almost every Martin Scorsese movie, how about we call it a High-Risk Diversification of Funds (HRDF).

Now, doesn't that sound better, instead of calling a bookie you call your Athletic Competition Monetary Manager (ACMM), and instead of juice you pay a Back Load Under-Performance Fee.

This makes it sound like a responsible activity that most people should be partaking in and we have the NCAA to thank because from the end of March to the beginning of April it seems like everybody is in some sort of pool, bracket challenge, player draft or on their cell phone with their ACMM.

Can you imagine if College Football went to this format for their post-season?

I get the shakes just thinking of it.

I am the last person to preach about how HRDF is such a wonderful thing, considering that this year, after this past weekend I have a total of seven teams left alive in my Final Four pretty good right?

I filled out SIX BRACKETS!

My fantasy player draft, one person left in it, I drafted 10 guys, and unless John Lucas III suddenly become unstoppable and scores, oh I don't know about 42 points per game all the way to the National Championship I am cooked in that league.

My pseudo ACMM was a buddy in Vegas for the weekend, we had a big fat winner with UNC against Air Force despite Rashad McCants doing his usual sleepwalking performance in the second half.

As usual we proceeded to throw it all away when Louisville and Rick Pitino did their "I think we are going to collapse now because we can't guard anybody" routine against Xavier, what makes it even worse is this game was the second in a two team Parlay with Vandy winning earlier against Western Michigan.

Besides losing someone close to you, I dare you to name something more upsetting than losing the back end of any parlay.

That was round one.

I was so disillusioned by the start of round two that I refrained from any sort of plays.

Thank God because Saturday and Sunday was a bloodbath.

Everyone's bracket must looked as banged up as Jennifer Connelly did at the end of "Requiem for a Dream," not that I am comparing drug addiction with Tournament Hoops.

I am just saying aesthetically, find me a bracket without lines going through a majority of teams in the Elite Eight.

Upsets are what make this event so spectacular, but the overall number one seed going down in the second round!

This sort of thing just makes everyone feel miserable and confused about the upcoming games.

Does Nevada really have what it takes to go to the Final Four?

Will Lionel Chalmers carry Xavier over Texas, and then possibly Duke?

Will UAB show the same kind of athleticism and ice-water in the veins against a tourney-tested Kansas squad?

All questions will be answered by the end of this upcoming weekend, but the questions are eating away at me like that bacon and egg sandwich I had this morning.

How does one spell relief?

How about more HRDF.