Diary of Dementia (Part 2 of 2)

Continued from Part 1...

Here's the conclusion of the greatest day in sports -- the first day of the NCAA tournament.

3:37 p.m.: In the highlight of the day to this point, I just scalped my first ticket, $55 seats to tonight's Texas-Princeton and N.C.-Air Force games. Having been raised under the shelter of suburbia, this was my first foray into the seamy underbelly of society. It was all so exciting -- the hushed tones, the guarded negotiations, the shifty eyes searching for Federales -- hell, I even had an escape route planned. When it was all said and done, I had cleared enough to subsidize the cost of my DirecTV package. If you boil it down, I exchanged my right to join others in chanting "DEFENSE" and making the "traveling" motion for TWO games for the right to have 63 games beamed into my living room. It was, without question, the most one-sided deal since the Louisiana Purchase.

3:55 p.m.: I settle onto my couch just in time for the second half of the lone 3:30 p.m. match-up, or as the CBS programming department likes to call it, the "Who gives a s--t' game. This year, it's Stanford-Texas San Antonio, and even the familiar embrace of my remote control can't wake me up enough to care about the action. 4:43 p.m.: Stanford wins by 26. The line was 25, and Texas-San Antonio missed two lay-ups in the final seconds. This further supports my theory that Vegas odds-makers are the smartest men on the planet, and if only more philanthropic, could fix many of society's ills. There is now a 27-minute break until the next game, providing just enough time for a shower, some beef jerky, and phone calls to loved ones, in no particular order.

5:11 p.m.: Four new games: Duke-Alabama St., Michigan St.-Nevada, Connecticut-Vermont, and Princeton-Texas. With three of the last five national champions tipping off simultaneously, you would think choosing what to watch would prove difficult, but you would be wrong. The only reason to EVER watch Duke is to root for them to lose, and since that just isn't going to happen today, why bother? Michigan St. was impossible to watch when they were good, so now that they're awful, that game is out. On the other hand, Princeton-Texas intrigues me as the latest installment in the age-old battle of intellect versus athleticism, and I've got some loot on Connecticut to score 20.5 points before Vermont gets to 14.5. Using that indisputable logic, the GO BACK button on my remote is all set. 5:22 p.m.: It's 15-12 Vermont. I would have been better off spending my money on magic beans.

5:35 p.m.: Connecticut just went on a 9-0 run to take a 21-15 lead, meaning I lost my wager by half a point. I've said it before and I'll say it again -- odds-makers... kings among men.

5:50 p.m.: For some unknown reason, the overwhelmingly pedestrian Vermont players continue to challenge Connecticut All-American center and athletic marvel Emeka Okafor, even though he's already got four blocks. The last rejection prompted my brother Mike to call and ask, "Don't they get Cable TV in Vermont?"

6:04 p.m.: At the half, Connecticut, Duke and Michigan are all up big. Meanwhile, Princeton is shocking Texas 25-22, and to add insult to injury, the Ivy Leaguers have Jedi-mind tricked their Longhorn counterparts out of much of their meal money.

Unrelated Halftime Musings #3 Some soon-to-be-cancelled show called "Century City," which is apparently set in the year 2030, just ran a promo for an episode that poses this ethical conundrum: Should an athlete be allowed to play in the major leagues if he has a bionic eye? Let me get this straight... in 2004, guys are taking so much HGH (which is said to improve eyesight) they can see through bank vaults, and they're concerned that a bionic eye 25 years from now might provide an advantage?

6:45 p.m.: Duke and Connecticut are rolling, so I'm focused on Princeton-Texas. (Did I mention that I was supposed to go to Princeton? Yup. I just didn't get in.) Texas has run up a 13-point lead, reminding us of one of the immutable laws of sports: While brains and hard work can take you to the brink of success, once you're there, you will inevitably be pummeled by those more genetically gifted. 7:08 p.m.: Man, Matt Daughterty was right -- Duke DOES have the ugliest cheerleaders in college basketball.

7:27 p.m.: With Duke, Connecticut and Texas advancing easily, I feel obligated to check out Michigan St.- Nevada. I say obligated because, to be honest, after nine straight hours of basketball, I fear I'm starting to show the effects of overexposure. I just spent 15 minutes trying to download the NCAA jingle to my broken cell-phone. Steve Lappas' hair cut, once an object of ridicule, has become strangely appealing. Inane marketing strategies are starting to appear frighteningly plausible. (The McNuggets switched to white meat?? Then I can change for the better too!) I think I need a hug.

7:44 p.m.: After temporarily clearing my head with five minutes of "Booty Call" on FX, I flip back just in time to see Nevada finish off the upset of Michigan St., 72-66. Like a PEZ candy replaces its consumed brethren, the moment one game ends, a new one slides into its place. In this case it's North Carolina-Air Force, another fascinating match-up of style versus system.

8:10 p.m.: Finally! After 13 games, the one I've been waiting for has finally arrived -- Arizona-Seton Hall. Despite having never stepped foot inside Arizona state lines, my basketball allegiance shifted to 'Zona during the Sean Elliott/Steve Kerr years, and has remained there ever since. I am already dreaming of a second round upset of hated Duke. Other games: Dayton-DePaul and Gonzaga-Valpairso.

8:25 p.m.: The thing about Arizona is, they clearly have the highest talent/IQ ratio in the country. That's not a good thing. Imagine an entire team comprised only of Ricky Davis clones -- freakishly athletic, yet incapable of rational thought. They've managed to parlay the former into an eight-point lead, but I imagine the latter will play a role before it's all said and done. 8:50 p.m.: After a look-in at the Air Force game, I'm left with this thought: If they played Princeton, would anyone score, or would there just be an uninterrupted string of shot-clock violations?

9:06 p.m.: Arizona's still up six at the half, so my roommate's possessions are safe for the time being. Elsewhere, Air Force is surprising Carolina, Gonzaga is pounding Valpo, and Dayton leads DePaul. Unrelated Halftime Musing #4: This might be the drowsiness talking, but this new PowerAde commercial with Lebron shooting 80-foot fade-away jumper is a new addition to my Top 5 All-Time Sports Commercials. But that's another column all together.

9:37 p.m.: Arizona just went up 14. This can't last... 9:40 p.m.: It didn't last. The lead is down to six. 9:50 p.m.: Never underestimate the predictability of stupidity. Arizona is down four points.

10:00 p.m.: Arizona's out. Done. Gone the way of Michigan St. The only consolation is now I don't have to suffer the indignity of watching Duke pound them by 30. In other games, Gonzaga won big, and North Carolina came back to beat Air Force. This result is particularly unsettling. Many of these same Air Force players will go on to fight for our freedom in battle. Many of these same North Carolina players will go on to fight for THEIR freedom in paternity suits. There is no justice in this world.

10:28 p.m.: Have you ever read Joseph Conrad's "Heart of Darkness?" I should have guessed. What about the Cliff's Notes? Fine. How about this -- have you ever seen "Apocalypse Now?" Good, now we're getting somewhere. Well let me tell you this -- while 12 hours of watching basketball in my basement may not the traumatic equivalent of a journey up the Nung River, either way, you wind up in the darkest recesses of the human psyche. I can now fully understand how the seclusion and sense of irrefutable power drove Colonel Kurtz mad. Heck, if I thought visitors were even a remote possibility, I'd have the heads of natives adorning sticks lining the top of the stairs. Oh, by the way, DePaul and Dayton just went to overtime -- I've got at LEAST 20 minutes left.

10:34 p.m.: Andre Brown of DePaul just missed two more foul shots -- he's now 0-10 from the line. The game is going into a second overtime. "The horror! The horror!" (Read the book.) 10:51 p.m.: DePaul wins in double OT. It's over. It's finally over. All I want to do is go to bed, but I can't shake the sound of Billy Packer's voice. When I close my eyes, I see Bonnie Bernstein. While I was on the phone with my girlfriend, I grew weary and asked for a "TV Timeout." Despite my complaints, and to much my surprise, I am comforted by one thought: I get to do this all over again in less than 12 hours.

Thanks for reading... hit me up at nittiaj@hotmail.com with any questions or comments.