NBA: Mascot is Latest Wizard Casualty

In a press conference this afternoon, Washington Wizards’ President of Basketball Operations Michael Jordan announced that he had traded the Wizards’ mascot, G-Wiz, to Vancouver for its mascot Grizz and a cheerleader to be named later.

"Many of us felt that G-Wiz didn’t quite fit in with the team concept that I have outlined," explained Jordan. The move makes sense in light of the wholesale changes that Jordan has made over the last two weeks, in which he has traded or waived almost every starter from the beginning of the season. The only player remaining is Rod Strickland, whose contract the team recently bought out.

Many are praising Jordan’s shrewd business savvy for foisting the team’s questionable talent onto other organizations. Others, though, question his own ability to spot talent, given that he spoke highly of these same players at the beginning of the season. A few see the personnel moves as a distraction from Jordan’s lack of foresight. "After all," whispers a Wizards’ insider, speaking on the condition of anonymity, "weren’t we supposed to judge him on the success of this year’s team?"

An even smaller segment of NBA-pundits think that Jordan is trying to remove all evidence of his only professional failure, aside from his stint at professional baseball, and his penchant for losing millions of dollars gambling. "For one," explains Robert Hanssen, another Washington insider speaking on the condition of anonymity, "Jordan has written to David Stern for permission to change the team’s name." Providing in-depth documentation of Jordan’s behind-the-scenes activities, Hanssen revealed that Jordan plans to change the team’s uniforms, colors, and mailing address. "It will be like the Wizards never existed."

Attempts to ask the Wizards’ owner Abe Pollin for comment were unsuccessful because the team’s phones had been disconnected.

In the meantime, G-Wiz continues to have an up-beat outlook. "Vancouver is a nice enough town," he explains. "And it’s not like the team will be there long." Similarly, Grizz is getting used to his new surroundings. "Washington D.C. is a hard place for a bear. And the Wizards aren’t much to cheer for. In fact, last night I found myself booing right along with the crowd."

"My main goals right now are just to fit in, do my part, and not get called to testify at congressional hearing."