Humans, Cellfish and the Cinema

Freedom of speech is a tricky thing. We all recognize the importance of being allowed to criticize our government without fear of retribution. On the other hand, we all know the danger posed by standing up and screaming "Fire!" in a crowded place. A new issue that skirts the line of free speech has evolved in recent years from an inconvenience nuisance into an everyday occurrence that is sowing the seeds of violent behavior.

How many times have you been inside a movie theater and someone’s cell phone rings? Unless you are living in some kind of hidden paradise, the answer is probably every time. It used to be that the twittering ringing was annoying, but with the growing sophistication of ringtones, moviegoers are often forced to listen to fifteen to thirty seconds of hell ranging from Michael Bolton to Eminem. That’s bad enough and, fortunately, most people are considerate enough to get up and leave the theater before answering the phone. Let’s call those people Humans.

Unfortunately, another breed exists. A breed that seems to be multiplying exponentially. Let’s call them Cellfish. Cellfish are those who actually answer the phone during a movie and proceed to carry on a conversation. Cellfish are those who may actually attempt to talk in a whisper-like volume, but who nevertheless can be heard by anyone in close proximity to them.

A Human understands that people paid good money—often ridiculously good money—to sit in a comfortable environment in front of a huge screen and listen to their favorite actors spout dialogue in THX sound. Humans understand that going to the movies is a communal experience that encompasses more than merely enjoying a flick. You can enjoy a flick at home where you press the pause button on your DVD when the phone rings. The reason we pay big money to see a film and even bigger money to enjoy refreshments is because we want to share the experiences and emotions that a movie offers with a large group of other people. Moviegoing is as close to the primal experience of storytelling around the fire that most people are likely to get.

Imagine how many legends and myths and folktales would have made it to the written word if our ancient ancestors had kept interrupting the storyteller around the fire by answering their cell phones? How many important parts of the story might have been forgotten if those who had continued the tradition had passed the story down after missing key plot points and characters because they were so busy talking with Brittany from the village down the road?

The moviegoing experience cannot be duplicated at home. No matter how big your screen and how nice your sound system, it isn’t the same thing. Watching a film in a theater is one of a kind experience and it should not be ruined by some rude Cellfish who doesn’t have the courtesy to step into the lobby for a few minutes. If you are one of those Cellfish you need to remember something. Something very important: Nobody in that theater paid to listen to your conversation. They paid to hear the movie.

Lest you think this is simply a matter of pure etiquette, think again. Cellfish have become so prominent among the rest of polite Humans that governmental agencies already have or are currently considering changing their telecommunication rules to allow cell phone radio waves to be blocked. Think about what means for minute. People who politely put their cell phones on vibrate and quietly get up and leave to answer emergency calls will now have to wait until the movie ends before they even find out there was an emergency. And all because some Cellfish just had to carry on a conversation with their friend about how Nick is now available because he just broke up with Jessica.

Of course, there is an alternative. There exists another breed apart from Humans and Cellfish. They are a small minority, true, but you can’t distinguish them physically from Humans. The look like us, they dress like us, they laugh and cry like us. We’ll call them Movie-Loving, Cellfish-Hating Face-Punchers.

You figure out how they fit into the scheme of things.