It's the gift that counts

Yesterday Prince Charles's right-hand man Michael Fawcett resigned after the publication of the report on the selling of royal gifts. One constitutional issue remains unclear; if "Fawcett the fence" gets a leaving present from Prince Charles, will he be allowed to flog it? It would make for an interesting farewell speech. "I'd like to thank you all very much for clubbing together to get me this splendid clock to remember you all by. Now what am I bid for this lovely timepiece? I'll start the bidding at 50 quid..."

The report by Sir Michael Peat was ordered after the collapse of the Paul Burrell trial, during which Diana's former butler described the widespread practice of selling on of the gifts that were presented to our royal family.

I can't imagine Prince Charles telling the visiting ambassadors exactly what was happening to their carefully chosen presents: "This is a most superb gift your excellency. I shall pass it on to my valet immediately who'll take it down to a car boot sale so he can pay off his MasterCard bill."

The report calls for an end to this practice and from now on the Queen will have to keep every single bunch of flowers she is given on royal walkabouts: "Mother, come on, it's the state opening of parliament."

"Hang on - one is just putting these flowers in water..."

"And then it's the banquet at the Guildhall..."

"No, one won't have time, one will still be looking for more vases for all these bloody chrysanthemums."

(Before now all the bouquets used to get sent to a local hospital, which seemed like a nice thought. Apparently they've got a bigger incinerator than Buck House.)

What was scandalous about the practice of selling royal gifts is that these valuables were presented because our Queen is head of state and so they should be seen as the property of Great Britain plc.

Instead of being flogged off by royal servants, they could have been passed on to the neediest of Her Majesty's subjects in lieu of benefit payments. "So you've got your income support, your child benefit and there's your ceremonial gold dagger from the Sultan of Brunei."

"Right, and has my application for the pair of onyx hunting dogs come through yet?" "No you need to fill out form DSS/7RB/a for them."

The Peat report has made a number of recommendations. From now on the royal family will have to pretend they are really delighted with each gift even if they've already got one, and what's more they are going to have to write proper thank you letters.

"Dear Sultan of Oman, Thank you very much for the lovely pair of full-size ornamental marble leopards. I was just saying to Camilla the other day that what Highgrove really lacked was a pair of marble leopards and so you can imagine our delight when we unwrapped your present and saw that it wasn't a Playstation 2, because we wouldn't have wanted one of those."

If overseas visitors insist on giving presents to our head of state they could at least bring things that we actually need. "Your majesty - I have brought a gift for your country; a working telephone box!"

"How splendid - at last, something useful. And look at this Philip, the Canadian PM has given us a new sheet of reinforced glass for that bus shelter in Gateshead that keeps getting kicked in."

In fact, visiting dignitaries could choose their gift from a list that was drawn up beforehand; there could be a special section in department stores next to the bride's book desk.

"I want to give a present to Her Majesty the Queen. Can you tell me what you have left?"

"Well, there's the resurfacing of the A38 outside Droitwich, that's a million and a half..."

"Hmmm. I didn't want to spend quite that much..."

"Well you could get them a nice big sign to put up in Derbyshire saying 'Welcome to Peak Practice Country'. Or if you're really strapped there's a couple of traffic cones that need replacing near the university halls of residence."

This episode has taught the royal family that from now on they have to be seen to be completely truthful and above board. To symbolise this new honest regime, we've been told that Michael Fawcett has resigned. His duties will apparently be taken over by this new chap Michael Fawcett who's going to be working for Prince Charles on a freelance basis. He's sounds a bit like that chap who resigned after another scandal in 1998 and was then reinstated and promoted a week later.

Honestly, the royals really should stop giving all these gifts to Britain's republicans.