At least we've got our health

March comes along every year. This is a good thing, because it gives people a chance to contract their favorite disease -- March Madness.

March Madness outbreaks are limited to the continental United States. It affects all men, regardless of age. Most women, or at least the ones I know, are immune to the disease.

March Madness is easy to diagnose. Symptoms include, but are not limited to, watching a lot of basketball, and talking a lot about basketball.

March Madness is in no way related to Spring Break Madness, even though they occur in the same month. Spring Break Madness is much worse, and is often referred to as Chlamydia.

Most people believe that March Madness is a nation wide epidemic, but that is not the case. The state I live in, Alabama, goes virtually untouched by this disease every year. I wondered why this was the case, so I set out to do some research.

My research led to the uncovering of some upsetting information. There is a vaccine for March Madness. The vaccine was created by Jonas Salk's lesser-known brother, Tim Salk. Tim was commissioned by the state of Alabama to create a vaccine that would help its recipients fight the urge to care about basketball.

This vaccine has been a success. Since 1957, every baby born in the State of Alabama has been given the MM shot, and has gone on to live a March Madness free life. I was lucky. I was born in North Carolina and moved to Alabama at the age of two.

But why does the state of Alabama not want its citizens to care about basketball? Dozens of calls to the Governor's mansion went unreturned, so I went to see Governor Bob Riley in person. I knocked on the door, and waited for the Governor, or attack dogs. Luckily, Governor Riley came to the door, on a horse, and asked what he could do for me.

"Governor Riley," I said, "Why do we vaccinate our babies to keep them from liking basketball?"

"It's really simple if you think about it" Riley replied, "This state gets absolutely nothing accomplished from August to January because of football season. If we let our citizens go crazy about basketball from January to March, over half of the year would be wasted. And if that were the case, we would certainly drop behind Mississippi in almost every national category. So you should thank God for that vaccine and thank God for Mississippi."

He went on to tell me that March Madness wiped out the dinosaurs, and that it is the Black Plague of the 21st Century. This seemed a little far-fetched, but you cannot argue with a man that rides a horse in his house.

As state troopers drug me off the Governor's porch for trespassing, I began to think Riley might be right. This immunization plan seems strange to me, but you cannot argue the numbers. We do rank 49th in every national category, so the plan must be working.

So if you live in one of the other 49 states, I hope you are enjoying your illness. Take a few days off work, watch some basketball, and your disease will be gone by April 8th. And if you happen to live in Alabama... Get back to work! Mississippi is gaining on us!