Sports Media: Welcome to ESPN's "SportsCenter," wherever that is

"Who the hell is Kevin Walker?"

I'll never live that sentence down for the rest of my life, after I blurted it out in the later innings of a San Diego Padres game a couple years back.

A graphic had come up on the Jumbotron listing all the pitchers in the Padres' bullpen. Tt the bottom of it was the name Kevin Walker.

I had no idea who that was, hence the exclamation.

(Kevin, by the way, is now referred to in my house as Kevin "Who the hell is that?" Walker. Sorry, Kevin. I know who you are now.)

Just like I had trouble figuring out who Kevin Walker was, I'm having a hard time keeping straight the anchors on "SportsCenter."

This time I didn't choke on my nachos -- I just froze and became very scared indeed. I may have gone white.

Let me explain...

Starting from a very young age, we're talking single digits here, I became an ESPN addict. I would literally spend my weekend nights, from maybe 10 at night till the sun came up watching ESPN (or later, any of its spawn channels). It didn't matter what was on.

I'd watch lumbersports. I'd watch "Inside The Senior PGA Tour." I'd watch the same "SportsCenter" back to back to back and repeat the dialogue before the anchors could get to it.

After a couple years of this, I was murdering the competition in sports trivia games, and I pretty much had the anchor rotation memorized.

I knew when to tune in to get my Dan Patrick-Keith Olbermann fix, when Craig Kilborn would be around, and later on, where to go to seek out Stuart Scott and Kenny Mayne.

I really didn't care what the highlights were either. I was used to having Dan, Keith, Craig, and the others around. They were like people I kind of, sort of, knew who showed up to the party now and then.

I turned on the Big Show the other day during my lunch and recognized Dan, but not Cara Capuano next to him.

In the gym the day before, I'd been watching the morning show, and I remembered Steve Berthiaume, but I had no idea that the guy next to him had even worked there.

More and more often, I turn ESPN's crown jewel on to figure out that I know neither anchor, or if I know one, they're not one I know well.

Keith and Craig are gone, I lost Kenny somewhere, and I don't know where Dan and Stuart are.

(Well, Stuart's hosting "Dream Job" these days, but that doesn't count. I need my "Big up to the selection committee for vibin' down south.")

Where did my "SportsCenter" of old go?

This was the premiere sports news show of legend, the hour that inspired a Bowling Green student to write a paper on its metatextual viewing.

Before Aaron Sorkin's "Sports Night" rocked my world, it was "SportsCenter" that fueled my love for sports. Even the infamous "This Is SportsCenter" ad campaign has deteriorated into sporadic spots that sometimes are just weird.

It's natural that over years, talent moves on.

Olbermann, after God knows how many fits, has his own news show over at MSNBC, which still looks like he's trying to do "SportsCenter" since it contains hockey brawl highlights.

Kilborn launched the popularity of "The Daily Show" before Jon Stewart and now is doing his late-night gig on CBS.

Rich Eisen now anchors the fab "NFL Total Access" on the NFL Network.

Yet the true horror, sports fans, is that it took me a few months to realize he was even gone -- that's how out of the loop "SportsCenter" has thrown me.

Back in the old days, I probably would have lost a remote control to that one.

New blood can be a good thing. Without the advent of ESPN2, I wouldn't be able to revel in Stuart's poetic phrasing.

Don't even get me started about "Dream Job" -- despite my own failure to make it there, I have my money on Casey taking the big prize already. He reminds me of me, albeit much more talented, obviously. Now that would be a reason to watch "SportsCenter" again.

It just seems that The Big Show isn't quite so big anymore.

Since ESPN was bought by Disney way back when, viewers have been force-fed a new stream of blatant and awkward cross-promotions of ABC Sports on ESPN, weird marriages of ABC Sports products to ESPN ones (note the "NFL Prime Time" look having been changed to reflect that of "Monday Night Football") and other horrors from the House of Mouse.

I think I choked on my soda the first time I heard an anchor using the phrase "logged on to the Gone Network" to describe a home run.

With its network having lost its independence to this corporate giant in turmoil, the boundaries of what "SportsCenter" can get away with have changed, too.

There was that hilarious incident years back when Kilborn was presenting a story on David Cone and the over-the-shoulder graphic had the most hideous picture of Cone you could imagine -- eyes bulging out of his head.

Without breaking stride, Kilby commented, almost surprised, "And what was he thinking when he gave us this picture to use?"

No doubt he would never get away with that now, if only because they'd be trying to find another way to throw key Disney names into catchphrases which they can then turn around and market.

I remember the first ever "SportsCenter" with Lee Leonard and George Grande in the horrible studio with the red and orange jackets.

When "SportsCenter 25K" -- that is, the show's 25,000th episode -- aired, I realized I'd probably dropped off somewhere around 20,000 or the time they used a clip from "Ally McBeal" in an intro.

I still love ESPN, and I still watch "The Big Show" from time to time, but it's not appointment TV and it no longer carries the thrill it used to.

I'm still trying to tell anchors John Anderson and Scott Van Pelt apart. I can't distinguish between the two of them, both tall white guys with similar looks, glasses and the same dry humor. I wouldn't notice if one of them left, and maybe that says it all.

At least I remember Kevin Walker.