Trail Blazers hear fat lady warming up

Do you hear that sound?

Maybe it's Roseanne Barr singing the "Star-Spangled Banner."

It could be Rosie O'Donnell belting out "Oops! ... I Did it Again."

Maybe it's Camryn Manheim's version of "I am Woman."

Whatever the song, the sound is crystal clear -- it's the fat lady singing.

Or in this case, three fat ladies, and they're singing to the Portland Trail Blazers.

They are declaring the race for the Western Conference's eighth and final playoff spot all but over.

Goodbye playoffs. Hello NBA draft lottery.

The Blazers have lost five of their last six games, after winning a season-high five straight.

I guess there was something to all of that talk a couple of weeks ago regarding the Blazers getting fat on weaker opponents during that winning streak.

Well, the schedule has gotten tougher, and five of Portland's last six opponents are living high off the hog after slaughtering the Blazers.

What in the name of Nell Carter is going on here?

Sure, the losses to Houston and Dallas during the last weekend in Texas were hard to swallow, but losing to Bonzi Wells and Rasheed Wallace on consecutive nights last week was the icing on a rotted cake.

In fact, if I didn't know any better, I'd have thought I was watching Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ," the way the Pistons beat up on the Blazers last Thursday night.

Was that a Cat O'Nine Tails the Pistons were using to carve up the Blazers' defense?

Nope. Just a game plan.

The Pistons sauteed and filleted the Blazers up one side of the court and down the other, to the tune of an 83-68 basting.

The Pistons just plain had the Blazers for lunch.

Wait, I take that back... It was a night game, so I guess the Pistons had the Blazers for dinner.

Either way, it was sad to watch. I had to switch channels and I think I started watching some program on The Food Network.

Just one night earlier, the Memphis Grizzlies had their chance to dine on the Blazers... And dine they did... divinely.

While the Grizzlies played like prime rib, the Blazers played like rump roasts.

The beating wasn't as hard to watch as Thursday night's, but Wells got in his share of punches on the punch-drunk Blazers. He scored 28 points, the Grizzlies won the game and the Blazers were left to lick their wounds.

Things were a bit better for the Blazers on Saturday night. They were able to defeat the Utah Jazz, 91-70, but in the process, lost Zach Randolph for one game after an incident with Raja Bell in the fourth quarter.

While Randolph was serving his one-game suspension, the Blazers were at it again on Sunday night, letting the Clippers feast on their defense as if it were a Sunday afternoon potluck.

OK, we can all agree the defense has been horrendous. However, something more disturbing has emerged as the season winds down.

Like Poindexter on prom night, the Blazers can't score.

Sometimes it looks like the Blazers have no clue where to find points. I mean, come on -- 71 points against the Clippers? Did somebody forget to turn on the shot clocks? Was I watching the Syracuse Nationals play the Rochester Royals from 1950?

Even though the Denver Nuggets are fading like a pair of denim jeans, the Blazers are fading faster.

And nobody has even mentioned the Utah Jazz and playoffs in the same sentence. The Jazz is in the running for the final playoff spot, while the Blazers are crawling.

So, as the curtain falls on the Blazers' string of 21 consecutive playoff appearances, let's chew the fat about a couple of other glaring problems with the Blazers.

Who starts at power forward, Zach Randolph or Shareef Abdur-Rahim? There's an easy solution to that one. Shareef should start. Bench Randolph. Just make sure a member of the coaching staff is on hand to serve some cheese to go with Zach's whine.

Both are 20-10 guys, but Abdur-Rahim plays defense and Randolph doesn't.

Trade one of them this summer, but for the remainder of this season, Shareef should be the starter at power forward.

Unfortunately, that obviously is not going to happen.

Also, so as not to keep Philadelphia fans in suspense over who their next head coach will be, let me be the first to introduce him.

Your new head coach Sixers fans? Maurice Cheeks.

It's a done deal, as far as I'm concerned.

Who can the Blazers get if they lose Cheeks to the Sixers? Maybe they should go after Arthur Fonzarelli. After all, somebody needs to teach these guys how to score.

Whatever happens this summer with off-season player moves, coaching changes and lottery picks, one thing is certain -- stick a fork in this season. It's done.