NBA: Meet the all-stars

Ahh, the NBA All-Star Game, a regular who's who of roundball stars. Actually, it's more like a 'Where's he?' of basketball's finest. Shaq's out with a bad wheel, Vince Carter and Kobe Bryant are doubtful, and two players who've combined to play about five minutes this year, Grant Hill and Alonzo Mourning, were voted in by the fans. Must have been some five minutes. This is all coming off last year's MLB All-Star Game in which about a dozen future Hall of Famers skipped the event, leaving us to enjoy classic matchups like Bob Wickman versus Brad Ausmus. This past weekend's NHL festivities were relatively well-inhabited by actual All-Stars, but still missed names like Jagr, Pronger, MacInnis and Mogilny. And lest we forget the Pro Bowl, which is annually skipped by so many NFL stars, it ends up looking more like an XFL game – but without the strippers. So what's the answer? Well … nothing. An exhibition game is exactly that. It's a nice diversion for fans, players and media alike during the dog days of your typical eight month sporting campaign, but totally insignificant in the end. Enjoy it for what it is – and don't worry, whoever does show up could still kick any of our asses on the court, field, etc., on a moment's notice.

Not including Hill and Mourning, who all basketball fans hope to see back playing like their old selves next season, here's a quick thumbnail sketch of who'll be in Washington, D.C., this weekend. Hey, maybe even Michael Jordan will be enticed to actually watch a game there this season, once he realized the Wizards won't be involved. I just hope he doesn't catch a ride with Rod Strickland, though.

EAST STARTERS Vince Carter, Toronto Will Carter play in the All-Star Game? More importantly, will he bail on the Raptors at the earliest possible convenience for a team that's more … hmm, what's the word … American! Not that Canadians are pessimistic, but word is the Raptors will replace Carter with that poor French dude he pole vaulted over at the Olympics.

Tracy McGrady, Orlando Hmm, maybe the kid had a point with all that whining about how he wanted to finally be 'the man' at the ripe old age of Without cousin Vince around, and with Grant Hill lost for the season, McGrady's stopped running his mouth and is flawlessly running the Magic show.

Allen Iverson, Philadelphia Sure, Iverson is among the league leaders in scoring, has led the unheralded Sixers to the best record in the NBA, has played gutsily through injuries all season, and is actually showing up for (some) practices, but where are the Grammy nominations? The answer for The Answer, 'Stick to basketball, will ya.' Dikembe Mutombo, Atlanta David Stern's selection to replace Alonzo Mourning, he's the league's leading rebounder and sixth leading shot blocker, and he can trash-talk in nine languages. Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo also is – ah, nuts, I'm out of time!

Latrell Sprewell, New York Another of Stern's injury replacements (for Grant Hill,) and this one had to sting the Commish, don't you think? If another year had gone by with Sprewell well-rounded game being overlooked, all of the Eastern Conference coaches were going to wear protective neck guards whenever they left the house.

EAST RESERVES Ray Allen, Milwaukee Game, he has got. Allen's progressed from starring in the last Spike Lee movie anyone saw to doing it all for one of the best teams you never see.

Allan Houston, New York A straight arrow off the court and straight shooter on it, Houston seems to have no problem coexisting with Sprewell in the NBA's version of Felix and Oscar.

Stephon Marbury, New Jersey The swamplands are home to the best point guard in the league who doesn't need a legal defense team. If you need a reason to watch the Nets (and doesn't one always?) here he is. Anthony Mason, Miami Either the coaches thought they were picking the menacing Mason for the All-Stare Team, or the oldest first-time All Star since Sweetwater Clifton (look it up) won 'em over with his tenacious D.

Theo Ratliff, Philadelphia The high-flying Sixers' unsung (insert your own Iverson joke here) hero. The association's leading shot-blocker chips in with 12 points a game and generally makes scoring against Philly harder than the Veterans Stadium's 'turf.'

Glenn Robinson, Milwaukee The Big Dog has apparently stopped playing defense like one, and the coaches have noticed with two straight All-Star selections for he and teammate Allen, but I still say Sam Cassell is the most deserving Buck.

Jerry Stackhouse, Detroit Forget MJ, Tar Heel fans. Stackhouse is neck and neck with Kobe Bryant for the scoring lead and, he punched out Christian Laettner last year! They might rename the Dean Dome after this guy.

WEST STARTERS Shaquille O'Neal & Kobe Bryant, Lakers Big Shaq will miss the game with a nagging foot injury. No truth to the rumor he broke it off in Kobe's backside. Like most Hollywood power couples, Shaq and Kobe once seemed so happy, bringing a title to L.A. for the first time since '88. Now they're just a taller version of Cruise-Kidman, fighting over 'Kazaam' residuals and royalties from soft drink commercials. Who' s at fault for demanding the ball? They both make good arguments – one's the most dominant inside force since Wilt, but even worse from the foul line than Dudley; the other is the NBA's chosen 'Air' apparent, with all the moves except one – the simple pass to an open teammate. The Lakers' stars can only thank their lucky stars for the experienced voice of reason on the bench. Of course, I'm referring to Isaiah Rider.

Tim Duncan, San Antonio You've gotta like a guy who turned down (slightly) less money on the open market to resign with San Antonio, and drops 25 and 15 on you without saying a word. Is there anything wrong with this pure Spur? Word out of San Antone is yes, he doesn't always say 'excuse me' when dunking on some poor stiff's coconut or swatting shot attempts all the way to the Mexican border.

Chris Webber, Sacramento The Fab One has led the surprising, entertaining Kings to the best record in the loaded West before the best fans in pro sports. (Hey, it's a slam dunk. They filled the arena to capacity to watch Pervis Ellison!) Too good to be true? Probably. Webber's likely to trade in rural California pastures for the greener pastures of a mega-market at season's end. Fun while it lasts, though.

Jason Kidd, Phoenix Usually, this space is reserved for humorous (hopefully) and caustic (but harmless) comments about the player in question. But you know, it's hard to crack wise about one more athlete slapping his wife around. Whether this was an isolated incident or not, it would be nice if we treated this stuff as seriously as we treat stuff like a redneck relief pitcher shooting his fool mouth off.

WEST RESERVES Michael Finley, Dallas How 'bout them … Mavs! With all the publicity going to their annoying owner, it's good to see Dallas represented, and the best part is this spot could just as easily have gone to Dirk Nowitski or Steve Nash.

Kevin Garnett, Minnesota A grizzled veteran at 25. We knew he had the talent, but when a guy leads the T-wolves through the Malik Sealy tragedy and the Joe Smith fiasco to a franchise-best record, he sounds like an MVP to me.

Karl Malone, Utah The grumpy old man of the NBA just keeps the motor running year after year. A testament to hard work, dedication, professionalism, playing with John Stockton - and really sharp elbows.

Antonio McDyess, Denver As the Nuggets have somehow rebounded from a near-mutiny to nearly in the playoffs, his powerful game has the led the way. And his quiet nature is a nice balance with Nick Van Exel around.

Gary Payton, Seattle By day, he gets coaches fired. At night, he's chucking the knuckles with teammates. An incredible talent, but something has snapped in that Afro-covered dome of his. Too much Starbucks coffee, maybe?

David Robinson, San Antonio You've known him as the Admiral, but he keeps sailing along in his new role as first mate of the Good Ship Spur. Captain Duncan steers the ship, but Robinson's rebounding and defense are the rudder.

Rasheed Wallace, Portland It takes a special player to be judged the sole All-Star on a team overflowing with past honorees. It also takes a special kind of jackass to keep losing your cool at inopportune times. Rasheed, if you don't have anything nice to say…