Bad to worse

Why is everybody so quick to label Michael Jackson? Who among us can honestly say we haven't gone shopping and bought things we didn't really need? Who hasn't wished they could change their appearance a little? Who hasn't built their own private funfair, zoo and fantasy park and got 12-year-old kids to come over and stay the night in their bedroom? OK, so just Michael then.

Martin Bashir's documentary was certainly compelling entertainment, especially now those guided tours through Bedlam have been stopped. But it says something about the documentary maker that he was following one of the world's greatest superstars and yet he still managed to keep referring to himself. Personally, I always try to avoid talking about myself. (Oh damn!)

We learned that Michael wants his kids to have a happier childhood than he had. So he calls his son "Blanket". Yup, that sounds fine to me, I can't see any school bullies or sadistic teachers finding anything strange or laughable in that. In any case, when they're older, kids with unusual names always have the option of switching to their more conventional middle name, which in this case happens to be "Duvet".

Michael Jackson's attempt to bottlefeed the baby did not fill one with confidence. There was an incredible amount of shaking going on, probably coming from the baby who at that moment looked up to realise that this complete weirdo was his dad. "Ah look, he's got his dad's nose," said his relations. "No, his dad got his nose from the Argos catalogue." Nevertheless, young Blanket is rapidly growing up to be a normal toddler and should be moonwalking any day now.

Another great moment was the sight of Michael going shopping. He dashed around a boutique crammed with ornate gold vases and giant jewel-encrusted urns, each costing tens of thousands of dollars, buying everything in sight while the store owner rubbed his hands like Uriah Heep behind him. I wish this scene had been filmed in Britain. "Ooh no, sorry, that's a display model I'm afraid and we won't have any more of those for another six to eight weeks." "But look, here's a million in cash - just let me have whatever you've got." "Nah, sorry - you have to order those in advance."

The element which has grabbed all the media attention has of course been Jackson's relationship with a 12-year-old boy. The parents of young "Gavin" are apparently perfectly happy for their son to go and sleep in Michael Jackson's bed. They were going to let Gavin walk round to his friend's house on his own, but in the end they ran him there in the car because they didn't want him bumping into any strange men on the way.

We didn't find out whether Michael ever goes back for a sleepover at Gavin's house. "Hello Michael, we've put up the camp bed for you in Gavin's room, and got the oxygen tent down from the loft, and put up sun screens and hired a few aardvarks and camels to wander about the place to make you feel at home. Now, would you like some ice cream, dear - it's $5m a scoop?"

While it is not normal or healthy for a 44-year-old man to have 12-year-old boys over to stay, what is it about our society that makes us so eager to scream "paedophile" before we're sure what is really going on? It seems more likely that Jacko, as part of his rather tragic childlike behaviour, is having "other" kids over to stay. Yet since the film was broadcast there has been an almost tangible hunger to brand Jackson as a pederast, because in the modern Salem witch-hunts it's been a few weeks since the last public show trial and the mob are screaming for more.

We've had paediatricians attacked because people get "paediatrician" confused with "paedophile". Whose next? I've got relations in Ireland called "Paddy O'Farrell"; that sounds a bit like "paedophile", so maybe the mob will storm their houses as well. And as for Iraqi paedophiles posing as asylum seekers, well they're the worst of the lot.

The eagerness to tar Jacko with the worst possible brush is like one of the cheap thrills in his empty funfair. Yes, he is creepy and self-deluding, but that doesn't automatically mean he must be evil. Nothing is black and white - especially in Michael Jackson's case.

Apparently he was horrified by Bashir's documentary, saying: "I am surprised that a professional journalist would compromise his integrity by deceiving me." Blimey, he's even more detached from reality than we thought. Jacko's PR adviser should have warned him that doing this film was a bad idea, that it might be edited in a way that made the singer seem a trifle eccentric. Sadly, Michael's PR adviser is a llama and was unable to do this. And so now Bashir's really put the star's nose out of joint. Well, that should keep the plastic surgeons busy for a while.