Peter Aveyard: Will the real Saddam please stand up?

According to Tony Benn a historic meeting has taken place between him and Saddam Hussein. The object, as Mr Benn puts it, was to explore "what the paths to peace may be". Channel 4 screened the encounter but I can now reveal the real unedited version of the interview.

It is a well known fact amongst the allied intelligence community that Saddam is fearful of assassination attempts and so he employs dozens of look-alikes. During Tony Benn’s talk with the Iraqi dictator suspicions were aroused as to whether or not he was in conversation with the real Saddam. Mr Benn asked, "Do you have links with Al Qaeda?" Saddam put his right hand to his ear as if receiving instructions through an ear piece. "err… yes, I mean no … I mean if we did we would be ashamed to admit it… I mean we wouldn’t be ashamed to admit it" Mr Benn asked. "Do you have any weapons of mass destruction?"
Saddam replied "Yes…err.. we did have… I mean we got rid of them…… no, no definitely not, never seen or heard of them" Then Saddam's moustache fell off. Tony Benn gasped with surprise. Saddam scrambled around on the floor while Mr Benn tried to uncover the deception he said, "Is that a fake moustache Mr President?"
"No, most definitely not" replied Saddam who had now stuck his moustache back on the wrong way up. "I’m not sure I am dealing with the real Saddam Hussein here?" said Mr Benn looking quizzically at the camera. "Yes I can assure you I am he" said Saddam who now had his head tilted back curling his top lip upwards in an effort to keep his fake moustache on due to the failing adhesive. The interview was interrupted by an Iraqi official who apologised to the camera for the ruse and explained the reason for the decoy and that the real Saddam was now here for the interview. A new Saddam arrived dressed in full combat gear, sunglasses and soldiers helmet whilst the fake Saddam was lead away. Once the doors closed behind him a single muffled gun shot was heard. There was a close up of Mr Benn’s startled expression and then Saddam said "Please continue.." Benn fumbled with his questionnaire, cleared his throat and said "Can you honestly say that you are fully cooperating with the UN weapons inspectors?" Saddam attempted casually to cross his legs but accidentally kicked the coffee table between the two men. The drinks on the table crashed onto the floor and as Saddam bent forward to pick up the mess his helmet slipped from his head revealing his blonde curly locks. "Oh s***" exclaimed Saddam. At that point the doors burst open and the two armed guards who had led his predecessor away marched forward and escorted him out of the room whilst he screamed "but I didn’t have enough time to prepare" Another shot was heard. Mr Benn picked his coffee cup off the floor and asked the official in attendance if he could swap it for a very large brandy.

Two more Saddam stand-ins bit the dust before the real Saddam arrived. By now Mr Benn was very agitated and failed to spot the authenticity of his interviewee. Saddam tried to bring the interview back on track. "Mr Benn I am pleased to be with you at last. Allow me to apologise for the deception but it is necessary in these troubled times. Please ask your question" Benn laughed as he rocked back in his chair. "Do you expect me to fall for this one" he said "You don’t look anything like Saddam, for a start your too fat, you’ve got piggy eyes and that moustache…" Benn lent forward and gave Saddam’s moustache a good hard tug. "Better glue this time eh!" laughed Benn as he tapped the contents of his pipe out onto Saddam's beret. "There’s your smokin' gun Mr Powell..ha ha" quipped Benn, smiling at the camera. The dictator burst into a rage and Mr Benn was soon dragged from his chair and put on the next flight out of Baghdad.

So just as Nostrudamus had predicted it’s the pacifists who will fan the flames of war.