Humor: Ode to Bill Simmons

There's something about him. Maybe it's his hysterical sports journalism or east coast flair; I'm not too sure. I just know that I'm addicted to Bill Simmons, aka the Sports Guy on ESPN.com's Page2.

During finals week I was up till one in the morning reading his stuff (an Asian not doing his homework -- sound the alarms!). I haven't been this addicted since the Diablo II expansion went on sale. I have quotes of his on my instant message profile (not that people read that stuff anyway).

Lately, I've been up watching "Jimmy Kimmel Live" and I must say that "goat milk" idea was pure gold, so Bill Simmons-esque.

In honor of the great Mr. Simmons here is my article dedicated to the incomparable Sports Guy.

Being infatuated with Anna Kournikova does not make you a tennis fan.

One of my sports friends didn't know Jayson Williams. Freaking "Shotgun" Williams! How could a basketball fan not know "Shotgun" Williams? Well at least he knew Jason "White Chocolate" Williams and Jay "The player formerly known as Jason" Williams. By the way, my friend also thought Bison Dele's real name was Jason Williams (it's actually Brian Williams)... What if there was another Jason Williams and it was Bison "Gone Fishing" Dele? FOUR Jason Williamses. Creepy.

Every day at school during lunch I walk out to my '91 Mazda MPV, stretch out on the backseat and listen to the "Dan Patrick Show." Sometimes it gets to be 100 degrees, but I dare not ever open the windows. I deal with enough crap at school as it is and I don't want to give those monkeys an opportunity to get on my nerves even more, although it would be nice if an attractive girl came by knocking. *sigh* I've read Oedipus Rex and I'm still convinced I'm the biggest loser ever. I am SO not going to prom.

I watched "Seven Samurai" a few weeks ago and it's obvious that Kyuro is up there along with Bickle and Montana as three of the coolest movie characters ever. Kyuro came up clutch every time the village needed him: Robert Horry with a katana.

Could "Pardon the Interruption" possibly be losing speed? I've seen only one full episode in the past few weeks, but I can tell that the show's wheels are becoming undone. It's "Mail Time" everyday now the show! I've heard Tony Kornheiser say "Welcome to the show boys and girls." approximately 5,341 times.

While I'm on the topic of sports shows going bad, why the hell is Fox's "Best Damn Sports Show Period" still on the air? All of the hosts (Chris "I worked for the now defunct-as-the-XFL CNNSI" Rose, John "I won championships with the Lakers but that's it" Salley, Tom "I married Roseanne, yet didn't try to deny it" Arnold, and Michael "I loooove crack, especially in the morning because I'm that kind of guy" Irvin) are rejects in every sense of the word, yet people still love their show. It is absolutely baffling. Fox Sports really pulled one out of their collective sphincters.

I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this before, but watching Ray Lewis's friend dance on ESPN's "The Life" was the funniest thing I've ever seen. Ever.I feel very strongly about this.

J.J. Redick: I'm on the bandwagon. I watched last year's McDonald's high school All-Star game thinking he would be great at Duke. I never imagined him becoming such a freshman force.

Los Angeles Clippers: I am officially not a fan. They might be the most unlovable team in sports. It's like watching all the reality shows on TV at once in the tundra naked with commentary by Anna Nicole Smith and Dikembe Mutombo.

I'm going to be serious for a moment. There has to be netting above the dugouts during baseball games. I don't want to see a MLB version of Columbus anytime soon. The same for rushing the field: get rid of it. People are getting hurt; schools are paying for the damages. Enough is enough. Let's just have the players play the games and the fans have a good time. Please?

At the start of the school year my friend (the "There's a "Shotgun" Williams?" friend) found NBA stickers on the ground. The Lakers sticker was already gone (damn bandwagon). My other friend (the "Yao Ming is King" friend) snatched up the Mavericks sticker (bandwagon) and "Shotgun" friend took the Clippers sticker and put it on his folder. I pleaded with him desperately to give it to me. With every NBA team left (minus LA teams and Dallas) I slowly peeled off the Vancouver Grizzlies sticker and proudly placed it on my graphing calculator. I got a "B" for the semester (which is the equivalent of having Mike Piazza still available in the 62nd freakin' round) You couldn't make this stuff up.

There's comedy, there's high comedy... and then there's Vanilla Ice on VH1's "Behind the Music" trying to explain how "Ice Ice Baby" didn't sample off "Under Pressure" by Queen. Every time I think about Ice saying "Ours goes 'dun-dun-dun-da-du-dun-dun-TING-dun-dun-dun-dun-da-du-dun-dun.' See? Ours have that TING in it. It's not the same beat!" I bust out laughing.

What if Linda Blair from "The Exorcist" reported on the football sidelines? Would Jill Arrington get jealous?

The Angels won the World Series. Let me type that out again. The Angels WON the World Series. Try saying aloud, "World Champion Anaheim Angels." People will be saying that for another nine months. I will now light myself on fire.

I'm watching "The Wedding Singer" right now. I love it when David Stern punches out Melancholy Robbie Hart. It's about time cable television realized that Adam Sandler movies + Seinfeld = Good ratings!

The Shawn Michaels/Razor Ramon ladder match at Summer Slam '94 was the greatest wrestling match EVER. I will not argue about this.

Watching the Super Bowl was like grabbing a sandwich from a tray only to find out its tuna after biting into it: it helped relieve the hunger but left a lingering bad taste in my mouth.

If I ever get the opportunity to make love to a woman (it'll happen the day Rey Ordonez wins a batting title) I want to listen to "Eye of the Tiger" while doing it. That song is so epic and motivating and... umm... Why is a 17 year-old discussing sex in a sports article? Is this kind of stuff allowed? As of now I've completely lost my mind.

Actually I've been delusional for awhile. Bill Simmons just pushed me over the edge.