Am I really a sucker?

So,
I woke up this morning craving a cigarette so bad.
Since I have made the commitment to quit or keep trying until I die. I have smoked 4 days out of 13, or is that 14.
It all seems such a haze.
It's a little easier not smoking during the days since I have decided the TV would not be on during daylight hours.
The only exception is to watch news while eating.
Talk about your aperitif.
Although, I'm not quite sure I was tired of being a sucker yet.
It was the news that gave me the desire to quit smoking.
And I heard about the man who got a lung transplant and is now running in marathons.
As much as I smoked I would need new lungs.
But I just can't see myself running anywhere.
And honestly I am not sure why I am quitting.
I know that I will die and in some ways I have outlived my life expectancy.
I thought I was quitting so I would have money to drive into Los Angeles to perform at various open-mics around town.
Only to have a local venue start a Wednesday night open-mic.
I am quitting for me.
When it all comes down to it, under all the hoopla and reasons and excuses it comes down to self-motivation.
How can it be that my first few days where actually easy?
And as the days progressed the pull of the addiction got stronger.
I caved in like the Jack-O-Lantern 3 days after Halloween.
I felt like I stunk inside for not sticking with it.
But it's OK to fall, or have a relapse or just be human.
It often takes more than one attempt for us to learn anything
Even a chimp can pick out numbers, words and signs through repetition.
There's no place like home,
There's no place like home,
There's no place like home.
You just start over and try again.
"Work on keeping your eyes on the prize and not what you are giving up and maybe you will succeed" I say to myself
At least I am finding time to accomplish things in my life.
I have a feeling that eventually TV and Cigarettes and my belly will become novelty items in my life.
Flashbacks of days gone by.
I am starting to keep the eyes on the prize I want in my life.
Self-made man comfortable and secure in his life and surroundings.
It takes work.
I will fall
But I will never stop till I succeed or die
Being gay and a non- smoker will allow me to say
I am not a sucker