Bad Day at the Register Office
John O'farrell: All the fuss over the wedding of Charles and Camilla obscures the real value of the royal family.
There are times when the establishment suddenly discovers it has finally pushed the people too far and an angry backlash erupts on the streets of Britain. So it was this week with the royal family's careless disregard for the Marriage Act of 1836. As buildings burned and angry mobs hurled missiles at a line of police officers, the government found itself totally unprepared for the depth of feeling on this issue.
"The heir to the throne is constitutionally barred from a civil marriage service," screamed the youths of Brixton over the noise of sirens and alarms. "Yes, it's not enough to have the marriage formally blessed by the Archbishop of Canterbury - the subsequent 1949 statute is very clear on this," shouted a masked anarchist as officers in riot gear found themselves forced back by sheer weight of numbers.
Finally the police had no choice but to unleash the ultimate deterrent. Crouched behind a burning van, an officer shouted through his megaphone: "Disperse now! Or we will send in constitutional expert Lord St John of Fawsley!"
"He's bluffing!" said a rioter. "They wouldn't dare."
Suddenly an armoured police vehicle reversed at speed towards the mob, the back doors flew open and out stepped a dandy looking grey-haired gent talking about his good friends Charles and Camilla.
"Arggh!" screamed the retreating crowd, blinded by his pink tie and blue striped shirt, but still he continued. "There is of course a royal precedent for the monarch not attending an heir's wedding; if you go back to when the Duchess of Rutland was engaged to the prince consort ..." he droned, as Jennie Bond did her best to nod and look interested. Five minutes later the streets were completely clear and the big clean-up had begun.
It's not been the easiest of months for Prince Charles. First he announced that he and Camilla were finally going to do the honourable thing and get married at Windsor Castle. Then they discovered that this would mean having to let Barry and Shaz who work at the drive-thru McDonald's get married in the Queen's bedroom while she was trying to have a lie-in. So now the heir to the throne is getting hitched at the local register office, and then it's all over to the Market Tavern in Slough for vol-au-vents and brown ale. This prompted the Queen to let slip that she would not be coming to the wedding after all, as she had discovered that she would be busy watching Channel 4 racing.
"But, mother, you have to come - we agreed the date. Camilla might think you are freezing her out."
"Camilla who? Never heard of her," pouted Her Majesty.
"Oh, don't be like that. Just because you caught her trying on your crown. I mean, she wasn't to know it was yours."
Like any Mum the Queen finds it hard to deal with her little boy loving anyone else, even if he is 56 and it's high time he settled down.
"What happened to that other girl you were seeing?"
"We split up, and then she died in a car crash, don't you remember?"
"Well sometimes you have to work at these things. Anyway, I bought the bride this little jar of something by way of a present."
"Sudan 1 food dye? Hmm, that rings a bell."
Finally it turns out that the whole wedding is illegal anyway, and Thames Valley police will wrestle Prince Charles to the floor the moment he tries on his morning suit at Moss Bros. But besides all that, the wedding preparations couldn't be in better shape. Look out for headlines revealing that the invitation to be best man has been accidentally sent to Andrew Parker Bowles, and Charles has booked the Paris Ritz for the honeymoon.
There have been question marks about the competence of Charles's advisers before this series of fiascos. Only last year there was that embarrassing evening when they'd been given the job of organising a piss-up in a brewery, and they turned up at the wrong brewery, without a bottle opener, having only invited devout Muslims. The lord chancellor did his best to patch up the embarrassment by concocting a ruling that this union was legal "because of um ... human rights, er yeah, that'll do".
Given their recent record, you would have thought the Human Rights Act might have been invoked to keep people out of the royal family. But what could have been a positive bit of PR for the royals has turned into a series of public humiliations. The newspapers of middle England have been completely consumed by this soap opera, with each twist and turn filling the front pages, and editorials on how the crisis might affect house prices. Thank goodness nothing important slipped through this week, like, say, the introduction of detention without trial, or most of the country might have missed it. I never quite understood the role that the royal family played in the British government until this week, but gradually it is becoming clearer.
"Thanks for all your efforts, Charles, much appreciated."
"You're welcome, prime minister. Oh and here's your invitation to the wedding."
"Um, hang on a minute, that wasn't part of the deal."
"The heir to the throne is constitutionally barred from a civil marriage service," screamed the youths of Brixton over the noise of sirens and alarms. "Yes, it's not enough to have the marriage formally blessed by the Archbishop of Canterbury - the subsequent 1949 statute is very clear on this," shouted a masked anarchist as officers in riot gear found themselves forced back by sheer weight of numbers.
Finally the police had no choice but to unleash the ultimate deterrent. Crouched behind a burning van, an officer shouted through his megaphone: "Disperse now! Or we will send in constitutional expert Lord St John of Fawsley!"
"He's bluffing!" said a rioter. "They wouldn't dare."
Suddenly an armoured police vehicle reversed at speed towards the mob, the back doors flew open and out stepped a dandy looking grey-haired gent talking about his good friends Charles and Camilla.
"Arggh!" screamed the retreating crowd, blinded by his pink tie and blue striped shirt, but still he continued. "There is of course a royal precedent for the monarch not attending an heir's wedding; if you go back to when the Duchess of Rutland was engaged to the prince consort ..." he droned, as Jennie Bond did her best to nod and look interested. Five minutes later the streets were completely clear and the big clean-up had begun.
It's not been the easiest of months for Prince Charles. First he announced that he and Camilla were finally going to do the honourable thing and get married at Windsor Castle. Then they discovered that this would mean having to let Barry and Shaz who work at the drive-thru McDonald's get married in the Queen's bedroom while she was trying to have a lie-in. So now the heir to the throne is getting hitched at the local register office, and then it's all over to the Market Tavern in Slough for vol-au-vents and brown ale. This prompted the Queen to let slip that she would not be coming to the wedding after all, as she had discovered that she would be busy watching Channel 4 racing.
"But, mother, you have to come - we agreed the date. Camilla might think you are freezing her out."
"Camilla who? Never heard of her," pouted Her Majesty.
"Oh, don't be like that. Just because you caught her trying on your crown. I mean, she wasn't to know it was yours."
Like any Mum the Queen finds it hard to deal with her little boy loving anyone else, even if he is 56 and it's high time he settled down.
"What happened to that other girl you were seeing?"
"We split up, and then she died in a car crash, don't you remember?"
"Well sometimes you have to work at these things. Anyway, I bought the bride this little jar of something by way of a present."
"Sudan 1 food dye? Hmm, that rings a bell."
Finally it turns out that the whole wedding is illegal anyway, and Thames Valley police will wrestle Prince Charles to the floor the moment he tries on his morning suit at Moss Bros. But besides all that, the wedding preparations couldn't be in better shape. Look out for headlines revealing that the invitation to be best man has been accidentally sent to Andrew Parker Bowles, and Charles has booked the Paris Ritz for the honeymoon.
There have been question marks about the competence of Charles's advisers before this series of fiascos. Only last year there was that embarrassing evening when they'd been given the job of organising a piss-up in a brewery, and they turned up at the wrong brewery, without a bottle opener, having only invited devout Muslims. The lord chancellor did his best to patch up the embarrassment by concocting a ruling that this union was legal "because of um ... human rights, er yeah, that'll do".
Given their recent record, you would have thought the Human Rights Act might have been invoked to keep people out of the royal family. But what could have been a positive bit of PR for the royals has turned into a series of public humiliations. The newspapers of middle England have been completely consumed by this soap opera, with each twist and turn filling the front pages, and editorials on how the crisis might affect house prices. Thank goodness nothing important slipped through this week, like, say, the introduction of detention without trial, or most of the country might have missed it. I never quite understood the role that the royal family played in the British government until this week, but gradually it is becoming clearer.
"Thanks for all your efforts, Charles, much appreciated."
"You're welcome, prime minister. Oh and here's your invitation to the wedding."
"Um, hang on a minute, that wasn't part of the deal."
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