2003 Preseason Baseball Awards

I love Hollywood. I really do.

Name another industry that's so willing to fail. Give me another multi-billion dollar industry that is willing to offer the public such weak fodder as "The Adventures of Pluto Nash" and promote it heavily, despite the obvious fact that it's one of the worst films ever made.

The closest industry I can think of is Major League Baseball, especially in the spring.

Spring is that magical time in professional baseball when even teams like the Brewers and Tigers can say things like, "We can shock some people this season." You have to love such bald-faced lies.

It's out of that love that I present to you my 2003 Preseason Baseball Awards, which combine my undying love for Hollywood's worst with my utmost respect and admiration for the bottom-dwellers of Major League Baseball.

"The Adventures of Pluto Nash" Worst Player Award

Before I announce the winner of this prestigious award, I have to give some background on Eddie Murhpy, the "star" of "Pluto Nash." Murphy's last five films are "Disney's The Haunted Mansion" (currently in production), "Daddy Day Care" (due out later this year), "I Spy," "Pluto Nash," and "Showtime."

Three questions keep popping into my head when I think of "Pluto Nash."

1. Has a once-bankable star ever had such an awful stretch of movies (and this doesn't even include the "Dr. Doolittle" movies)?

2.Who sold their soul to have "Pluto Nash" see the light of day?

3.Is there any way to calculate how much self-respect a person sacrifices when he tells the kid at the movie theater ticket booth, "I'll take two for 'Pluto Nash' please?"

Enough about the movie already, it's time to announce the winner.

And the winner is: Rey Ordonez of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Any time a player has the term "addition by subtraction" attached to his name, it's a pretty good indication that he isn't very good. As if that wasn't enough, Rey Rey's numbers back it up, too. A career .245 hitter, Rey's career "high" in batting average came in 1999, when he hit a whopping .258 to go with his one homerun. But adding to the mystique of this year's "Pluto Nash" award winner is his me-first attitude, an attitude, which forced the Mets to pay nearly his entire 2003 salary just to get the Devil Rays to accept him in a trade.

The Guy Ritchie You've Lost Your Manhood Award

One of the worst films of 2002 was "Swept Away," a romantic comedy starring Madonna and directed by her husband, Guy Ritchie. Before making this manhood-stripping tragedy of a film, Ritchie was best known for making classics like "Snatch" and "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels." However, proving himself to be the most whipped man since Doug Christie, Ritchie went ahead and made "Swept Away," which established him as the namesake for this award.

And the winner is: Ken Griffey, Jr., Cincinnati Reds.

In my book, there's nothing more pathetic than when a man cries, especially in public. Taking a page out of the Tim Couch notebook, Griffey has been reduced to tears and pouts seemingly throughout his career in Cincinnati. "This game is not about being happy. It's about wins and losses," Griffey recently said. He's right, so quit crying and win you pansy. And, please, someone tell Guy Ritchie to relocate his manhood and get divorced.

The Robert DeNiro What on Earth Happened to You Award

For quite some time now, there has been a popular debate about who is the better actor: DeNiro or Pacino? While Pacino hasn't exactly been taking the world by storm (as "Simone" and "Any Given Sunday" can attest), at least he has yet to turn his back on moviegoers everywhere and make a film with Billy Crystal (which DeNiro has done twice). In my mind, this debate is dead. For every comedy DeNiro makes, a year is taken off my life. It's gotten to the point where I struggle to watch "Good Fellas" because it reminds me of that dark place DeNiro is today. With that being said, I announce this year's Robert DeNiro award winner.

And the winner is: Jason Giambi, New York Yankees.

A few years back, Giambi, decked out in his long hair and goatee, was on the cover of Sports Illustrated being touted as "The New Face of Baseball." And I loved the guy. He was candid about going out and partying every night and he still was the best player in the game. Now, he's a Yankee, a shell of his former self, and has short hair, covers his tattoos and does commercials for Head and Shoulders shampoo. His transformation from outlaw to the embodiment of a sellout angers me so much that I can no longer even talk about it. It's one of those "you're walking on eggshells" type of discussions that just isn't brought up at my dinner table.

"Half Past Dead" Most Aptly Titled Team Award

This Steven Seagal film has to be the most ironic film title of all time. It's almost as if the film was about Seagal's career, but it wasn't (although it very well could be, and I would have no idea). Has a film's title ever been so easy to associate with its star?

Enough, it's time to hand out some hardware.

And the winner is: the Milwaukee Brewers (with an honorable mention to the Devil Rays, who are in for pure hell as long as they exist).

The Brewers' front office has put out an ad campaign this season that essentially says, "We won't be any good this year, but that means we have to be better next year, right?" Brewers' fans (perhaps the smallest subculture our society has to offer) will need all that delicious booze Milwaukee has to offer and then some this season, earning them this award.

"The Banger Sisters" Worst Duo Award

This award needs explanation. It gets its title from "The Banger Sisters," a terrible film starring Goldie Hawn and Susan Sarandon as two very old and unattractive former rock groupies who reunite and try to relive their youth. Does this concept appeal to anyone? Thanks, Hollywood, I'm really pumped about the concept of two old women telling tales of their past sexual experiences with rock stars for nearly two hours. (I think I just vomited in my mouth typing that.)

So this award honors the two superstars (for the sake of argument I'll call Hawn a superstar, even though she's married to the star of "Captain Ron") who have combined to accomplish next to nothing.

And the winners are: Nomar Garciaparra and Manny Ramirez, Boston Red Sox.

Two future Hall of Famers who are amongst the league leaders in hitting every year, and, yet, have they ever accomplished anything? Whenever Ramirez made the playoffs with the Tribe, his team would lose (sometimes even to Garciaparra's Red Sox). The same goes for Garciaparra, whose teams always find a way to win just enough games not to make the playoffs. Now that they've been together for two years in Boston, the results have been one embarrassing season and another where 93 wins left them out of the playoffs.

The "Master of Disguise" Award

One of 2002's biggest flops was the Dana Carvey film, "The Master of Disguise" (which also doubles as one of the most insulting movies Hollywood has ever presented to an audience). I can't even begin to explain my reaction when I first saw a preview for this film in the theaters. All I remember is asking myself, "Who backed this?" and "Dana Carvey must have one hell of an agent to keep getting films and TV shows." So the "Master of Disguise" Award goes to the player, who despite his obvious lack of contributions to both his team and the game of baseball as a whole, keeps getting contracts.

And the winner is: Steve Trachsel, New York Mets.

Trachsel has never been associated with winning, from his time with the Cubs to his days with the Devil Rays and now his tenure with the Mets. Yet, there he is, getting raises left and right and still in the majors despite his 90-108 career record and 4.31 career ERA. When I heard the Mets signed Trachsel three years ago, I knew that it was all downhill from there on out. Was I right? Well, the Mets finished in last place in 2002 and then re-signed Trachsel for more money for 2003. But, hey, why lose if you can't lose big, and baseball's biggest loser goes by the name of Trachsel.

The "Like Mike" Movie I'd Most Like to See Award

Defying all logic and business sense, "Like Mike," a film starring rapper Lil' Bow Wow about a teenager who tries on sneakers and is suddenly as good as Michael Jordan, was a big success in 2002. Which got me thinking, why not a sequel and which athlete's shoes could Lil' Bow Wow try on next? I've put a lot of thought into this, so, as a result, the "Like Mike" award goes to the athlete who best embodies the film I so desperately want to make.

And the winner is: Mo Vaughn, New York Mets.

I'm a strong believer that with every great film comes a great plot twist. So "Like Mo" could feature a youngster who finds a pair of Vaughn's old baseball cleats, puts them on, and then is instantly transformed into an overweight, underachieving Major Leaguer who loves strip clubs, post-game buffets and alienating fans with his lackluster efforts. Call me crazy, but this project has potential written all over it.

So that's it. My 2003 Preseason Baseball Awards, which honors the worst that both Hollywood and Major League Baseball has to offer. When you look at it, for every one of Hollywood's Steven Seagals, MLB can counter with their very own handful of Steve Trachsels.