Setting Limits For Children

By Dianne Couris

Setting limits for your child’s behavior makes family life more pleasurable when children are young, but it also makes life more successful for your child in the long run. All of us as parents should begin to think of ourselves as teachers and coaches, as well as parents. You and your partner, as parents and teachers, need to define for yourselves what you believe to be right and wrong, and communicate those values clearly to your child, taking action when needed.

Take steps to improve the way you communicate with your child by developing a structure for you, as a parent, to clearly communicate expectations and limits. Your child may respond quickly to the new role you are initiating, but most likely your child will resist and test you, especially for the first few days. Your child will most likely challenge your commitment to setting limits and following through with action. But once you follow through with action consistently, your child’s behaviors will immediately improve.

Developing a Plan
The backbone of improving communication with your child is ensuring that you clearly communicate limits and rules so your child understands your expectations. Consistently teach positive alternative behaviors when your child misbehaves. Your child will begin behaving and communicating appropriately if you are sure of these things:

• Be sure your child knows exactly what he is doing that is unacceptable.
  
• Clearly communicate what steps you will take (the consequence) if the misbehavior continues.
  
• Teach him an appropriate opposite behavior you would rather him exhibit. It is helpful to also provide a quick reason WHY your child should not do the inappropriate behavior.
  
• Provide your child with a second (and possibly a third) chance before the consequence is implemented.

Dealing with Tantrums
If your child regularly throws tantrums, always check with your pediatrician first to rule out medical reasons behind this behavior. If there is no medical explanation, then it is important to determine the motivation behind the tantrums. Does your child tantrum to get your attention (positive or negative)? Does she tantrum to get out of a situation? For example, does she misbehave at the dinner table because she doesn’t want to sit still with the family? Does she tantrum to get an object, food, or a special treat? Does she tantrum more when she is at home, or in a playgroup?

Once you have determined the motivation behind a tantrum, it is important that she DOES NOT GET WHAT SHE WANTS when she tantrums. Do not give her your attention, the juice, the toy, or whatever is motivating her to misbehave.

During the tantrum, you should make sure that your child is safe and then you should ignore her until the tantrum is over. Don’t give eye contact, talk to her, or pay attention to her at all. If possible, leave the room and monitor the tantrum from around the corner. Tantrums don’t last long in an empty room. It is helpful to look at a clock when your child tantrums. Time how long the tantrum lasts. This will allow you to see a decrease in duration over time after the tantrums no longer receive any reaction.

The next step is teaching her an acceptable way of asking for whatever she is looking for. She needs to learn an opposite appropriate behavior for her inappropriate ones. Teach her the correct way to let you know "I’m frustrated and I need help."

Constructive Punishment
Positive discipline and limit setting are about teaching your child to think before making the choice to misbehave. As a parent, it is important to set limits with your child. When setting limits, you will sometimes need to resort to the more severe disciplinary approach of punishment.

Punishment includes taking away privileges that relate to the reason WHY your child is misbehaving. What is motivating your child to behave like this? Does she want attention? Does she want a toy? Does she just want a hug? Does she want to be alone? Does she not want to eat supper now? Does she not want to go to bed?

Punishment is most effective when it is used sparingly. Along with punishment, you should always teach your child what to do instead of misbehaving. Teach her at least two opposite behaviors that you would rather her engage in instead. Over-punishment, on the other hand, involves relying on the regular canceling or taking away of family outings, play dates, or bubble-gum for the next two weeks.

Sometimes when your child refuses to do something (such as get dressed) and she has to get it done, gentle physical guidance is needed. When you have to physically guide your child, always use a gentle touch and a calm demeanor, and zip your lip. No talking, scolding, debating, arguing, or getting the last word—regardless of how much your child attempts to tease you into a debate.

Effective Limit Setting
The most meaningful component of limit setting involves teaching children to make choices with the awareness that each decision has either a positive or a negative consequence. Your child will quickly realize that behaviors have consequences when you, as a parent and teacher, clearly explain the connection whenever learning opportunities arise. You will have plenty of learning opportunities with your little one. There are several things to remember when setting limits for your child:

~ Love. All limit setting and discipline should be backed with love.

~ Respect. As a parent, you should respect your child and show it through your behavior. As a result, your child will learn to respect you as well as herself.

~ Model Positive Behaviors. Part of your responsibility as a parent is to be a role model demonstrating positive behaviors for your child. This includes treating others with respect and courtesy, and using good manners.

~ Teach. Teach your child two or three new, positive behaviors to replace each undesirable one. Be very specific.

~ Follow Through. Back up your words with actions. When you follow through, your child will take your words more seriously the next time.

~ Consistency. When you have a rule, enforce it in the same way each time that it is broken. Children need and appreciate consistent structure with clear rules and consequences. This consistency should be provided in a loving environment. The consistency of backing your words with actions will have the strongest effect on maintaining your child’s desired behaviors.

Keep in mind that through limit setting, you ensure that your child understands exactly what you mean. It is up to parents to teach a child what is ‘off limits’. Also remember that for every ‘No’ you teach your child, you should introduce two or three ‘Yes’ objects. (A ‘Yes’ object is something that your child is allowed to touch or play with.) For every inappropriate behavior there is at least one opposite appropriate behavior that can replace it.

Effective limit setting is the use of positive influences, positive reinforcement, clear communication, and consistent rules in shaping your child’s behaviors. Your objective should be to teach your child self-discipline. You are teaching your child not only to make thoughtful choices, but also to think of the consequences that accompany her decisions.

Realistic Expectations for Improvement
Keep your child’s maturity level in mind when expecting her to independently complete activities. For young toddlers, it is probably unrealistic to expect a child to independently undress and dress by herself, while a preschooler should be independent in dressing. If your child still needs assistance undressing, provide the needed guidance with no talking. Don’t show frustration and anger with facial expressions. When communicating during limit-setting, present yourself as calm and cool. No amount of naughty behavior is going to bother you in the least. Give your child a "no reaction" attitude. In other words, fake it.

Your relationship with your child is like a dance. You both have become accustomed to regular patterns of behaviors and reactions. When you change your steps, expect to see an increase in misbehaviors with your little one. Your child will test your commitment to your new role. Once you demonstrate through your words and actions that this is going to be your response from now on, your child will stop misbehaving. Remember, YOU control the environment. You are leading the dance.

Dianne Couris, author of Who’s Running Things Around Here, Anyway?, has been a consultant and instructor for more than fifteen years, teaching parents and teachers how to effectively set limits with children. A frequent speaker in and around the Tampa Bay area, Dianne also facilitates Q&A sessions with parents on positive discipline and limit setting through her website at http://www.whosrunningthings.com.