Boxing: What would Tyson say?

"I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children." -- Mike Tyson

Whenever the name Mike Tyson is brought up, who can't help but think of his outlandish quotes?

When I think of Mike Tyson, I not only remember such quotes, but also his glory days.

The main item that is conjured in my head when I think of his glory days is the popular Nintendo game "Mike Tyson's Punch Out!"

Who could forget such characters as the always feisty Glass Joe? Or the suave Don Flamenco?

Reminiscing about the game, I could recall quotes various fighters would state before you entered the ring. Most of the quotes I recalled easily except for Tyson's.

Curiosity would have me searching internet sites until Tyson's quote was found! After about twenty minutes the quote was in my hands. I was expecting hilarity, instead I found this.

"Hey! Is this kid a joke? Where's the real challenger? You think the speed of your fingers can match the strength of my fists? Your experience doesn't match mine. Go home and practice! They say I can't lose. I say you can't win! If I knock you down, don't get up!" What? Where's the eating children? Where's the stomping on testicles? Where's the raping? Where's the improper usage of words?

This quote is obviously not from Iron Mike. Now I'm not one to be calling people liars, but it sounds like some Nintendo slave in Washington State made that quote up himself.

Knowing the quote wasn't real, I thought to myself, what would Tyson really say about the fighter's in the game?

The prospects of humor involved in this thought were higher than the ratings for the last episode of "Joe Millionaire," so without further ado, here is what the "Punch Out!" characters say, and what Tyson would say about them:

Glass Joe: "Make it quick...I want to retire! Do I have time to take a nap before the fight? This is my last match! I'm too old for fighting! Watch the jaw!! Don't hit my jaw!"

Mike Tyson: "Don't worry! I won't hit your (expletive) jaw! I will just kill you and make orphans of your children."

Von Kaiser: "Surrender! Or I will conquer you!! Your punch is soft... just like your heart! I was a boxing teacher...at the military academy! I'll teach you a lesson! You will fall down!"

Mike Tyson: "My heart is soft? I am going to tear yours out and concentrate (supposed to be consecrate) it to the African tribe, which my facial tattoo pays respect to. And I'll teach you a lesson in me (expletive)(expletive)(expletive). (All while making gratuitous gestures to the crotch."

Piston Honda: "Sushi, kamikaze, Fujiyama, nipponichi... I'll give you a TKO from Tokyo! Where is the NHK TV camera? Hello, Tokyo! You should wear a helmet when you fight me!"

Mike Tyson: "I don't speak (expletive) German Yao!"

Don Flamenco: "Flamenco strikes back!! Return of Don! Hey! Mr. Referee Mario. I like your hair, People like my hair. Don't mess my hair! Carmen, my love... I dance so sweet for you! I'm a beautiful fighter. I have such a style!"

Mike Tyson: "Uze a (expletive/adjective) (expletive) Don Flamingo (meaning Flamenco). Uze like Paparazzi. (meaning Pavarotti). Same with you referee Luigi (meaning Mario)."

King Hippo: "Do you like my new trunks? They are size XXX large! (Ha, ha, ha!) I have my weakness. But, I won't tell you! (Ha, ha, ha!) I feel like eating. After I win, let's go to lunch!" (Ha, ha, ha!)

Mike Tyson: "I feel like eating too. But I feel like eating your ear followed by a side of your children."

Great Tiger: "A kitten is no match for a tiger! So a pussycat wants to fight a tiger? Beware my Tiger Punch!"

Mike Tyson : "The only tigers I like are the ones Sigmund and Freud have." (Meaning Siegfried and Roy.)

Bald Bull: "This time I'm gonna charge right over you! Hey, Tyson! Maybe Doc should throw you a towel! Doc can't help you now. Will you beg me for help? My barber didn't know when to quit... Do you? Zip your lip, Doc! Tyson is mine now."

Mike Tyson: "Bald Bull?......I thought I was fighting the Black Rhino?"

Soda Popinski: "After you lose, we'll drink to your health! (Ha, ha, ha!) Would you like some punch to drink? (Ha, ha, ha!) I drink to prepare for a fight. Tonight I am very prepared! I'm going to make you feel punch drunk! I can't drive, so I'm gonna walk all over you!"

Mike Tyson: "After you lose, I am going to drink malt liquor until I make international (meaning irrational) quotes. And then I am going to drive home...on your family."

Mr. Sandman: "Hey! Tyson Baby... Say Goodnight! Welcome to dreamland baby! I think you're gonna have a nightmare tonight!"

Mike Tyson: "Oh no! Not another nightmare! Please don't hit me that hard Buster! Lennox, the rate at which you are hitting me is uncontainable!"

Super Macho Man: "I work on my tan harder than I'll have to work on you! I don't smoke... But tonight I'm gonna smoke you! My Super Spin Punch is totally tough! My body is just so totally cool!"

Mike Tyson: " You think uze hard because your boobies shake? After punching your nose through your brain I am going rip your (expletive) off, and paint my boat with it."

Don't worry Mike! Your glory days will never fade into bolivon (meaning oblivion) with me!