...a package of memories!

I glanced at the place that had been my room till date…everything was in its place.. undisturbed. I had to start packing. I was leaving a life behind to start a new home. It had been six years since I had left this place.. but, that was different. Every time when I had left it, it was to come back to it ..I knew, I would be coming back to it. That feeling was different. In fact, was quite excited to leave it…had to meet up friends in college . .had so much to talk to them…yeah, there was a slight twinge.. but never this pain. …

Life has it’s own weird ways. All through these years had been struggling for independence, had been craving for a life of my own and now .. and now when I have it I feel as if I am not prepared to take up the challenge head on. What’s wrong? I had been waiting for this day since years. . We had been dreaming about it.. Planning, saving ….yearning for the day when we would start on our home building exercise…

Where should I start packing? What all should I pack…What all can I take away from this place?.. What all would I need for the turbulent days ahead?…

Papa, can I make a bundle of your hugs…Ma, can I get those pickles that u make..?? Hey, the two naughty siblings can I pack a few of our frequent fights ..and the happy ‘make up’s ‘ (?) later

I slowly remove the painting on the wall…..Would I have the heart to take it away from this wall?…it belongs here ..I had spent so many nights on it .. lonely nights….!…

Do you remember Papa? We used to sit through the nights. Me painting, you talking…. about life the inane stuff ..the philosophical details ..the revelations the experiences ….can I pack those moments??

Talking about my dreams, planning about my future…Is Economics better as a career option or Psychology…A government job or a private management course….(the perennial debate)..Had you thought about my marriage then..? Were you prepared that a stranger would finally enter your little girl’s life and would practically snatch her away from you ..Did you regret it when I stopped sharing my daily life with you ..when my trips from college started becoming rare. .when I started to yearn to go back to the college…… when slowly, without me realizing we gradually lost our space….. Did you realize that , without me knowing it, I had replaced ,a father as a friend ,with a friend who would later turn into a soulmate…You knew it..? perhaps, even before we acknowledged and accepted it….!

I have heard that when you are about to die your entire life flashes before you.. you regret things that you wanted to do but you never managed to find enough time to follow your heart…. Is it similar to what I am feeling right now??

Why do I feel that I should’ve had hugged you then, when you were bidding me goodbye at the station.. trying desperately to hide that pain of separation…..but I was afraid that one more glance at you and I too might break down…. Then what would happen to my resolve of carving a niche for myself in this world?….not a comfortable government job but would prefer to walk on the road less treaded….

Why do I feel that I should have had told you then that though I might be going against your wishes yet I respect them… that though I was laughing at the station amidst all the friends and numerous cousins who had come to bid adieu while I embark on my new life…I was crying inside…. That not once but I thought of quitting n number of times ..but then, you do know that your little girl was never the weak one…It was my decision and howsoever I might regret it ..I would go ahead with it…. How can I accept that my decision was a mistake? How can I accept that, anyday , I would prefer the comfort of the home to the uncertainties and the perils of the world outside….how can I accept that the brave front was a farce .a façade. .but I guess, you knew and hence you had tried your utmost to prevent me from taking that plunge. …
Because, you wanted to protect me from the traumas which I was yet unexposed to….
Because, you knew that the real world was in stark contrast to what a safe haven home had been to me till date….
Because you wanted me to get to my dreams but not at the cost that it would entail…
Because you were aware of what the world had in store for me…
Because you loved me …
But, I was a rebel .. and an egoist!!. .Yeah, I finally accept !
. .but a fighter! ..You agree??

What else can I take along ?
Numerous cassettes and CD’s . Each song linked to a special memory ..each melody reminding of a particular phase in life . Do you remember, how I had saved for each cassette?
The soft toys …. the huge teddy , the one I used to dance with , (within closed doors. )
My very first Barbie, yeah, I still have it…You gifted it to me when I had stood fourth in class…. Yes, fourth position…I still wonder why had you given it to me? Was it a prize, an encouragement or just a reminder that there are a lot more gifts in store but for that I need to work.. ..

Can I make myself to take all this with me to a new home ..to MY home. Perhaps, no.

But, I’ll always have the memories with me…Right??

Memories of our numerous cold wars ..remember the one we had over Rocky? The cute (yeah, I still insist it was cute’n cuddly) little street dog that I’d picked up from somewhere and almost managed to get it accepted in the household after numerous protests from mummy… Remember , the way I had refused to talk about the issue when I heard on phone that you had given it to some servant, after I left for college ..your subtle , numerous attempts at convincing me that it would be taken care of, that it is in good hands….. you couldn’t have had kept it at home because mummy hates dogs and you compromised and sent it away .though gradually, I know you had started to love it..Yeah, I had seen you cuddling him late in the night when the entire household was sleeping….I was very angry with you and had wondered that why do people get married when they are not free to do simple things in life …what they would have had otherwise loved …. Am going to get in your shoes and honestly, papa..I still, have no answers.!

Now, I realize that the reason behind me not getting close to any other male, all these years was you…………..was looking for a father in a friend!