NFL: Clinton Pardons Ray Lewis

In a surprising development this week, lawyers with the U.S. Department of Justice discovered that just prior to exiting the White House, former President "Bill" Clinton extended a pardon to Baltimore Ravens’ middle linebacker Ray Lewis.

When asked for comment, President Clinton stated that he "just had a certain sympathy for someone who went through the ordeal of a lengthy and costly investigation, when it turns out that all he really did was provide slightly misleading testimony to the authorities."

The pardon went unnoticed for a number of reasons, including the sheer number of last minute pardons and the fact that Lewis was not a large contributor to Hillary Clinton’s campaign for the U.S. Senate. Lewis’ award of the Super Bowl Most Valuable Player, however, drew the attention of lawyers who noticed his name on the extensive list.

Ray Lewis, who had been serving parole for obstruction of justice for his misleading of police regarding his participation in a double murder, is now free from his sentence. Although he had no official comment for the press, others expressed their relief that the pressure is off.

O.J. Simpson, for example, stated that the presidential pardon "proves that he, like me, was finally innocent, regardless of the crime committed."

The move outraged others, though, including Marc Rich. "Presidential pardons are for white-collar criminals," said the pardoned commodities broker who had been indicted for fraud and tax evasion. "To lump people like me—who paid my dues quite literally, in the form of monetary gifts to the president and his family—in with common street thugs is just reprehensible."

Similarly, Bill Romanowski wondered aloud where his pardon was. "I’ve still got a trial coming up," complained the Denver Broncos linebacker charged with illegally obtaining prescription drugs. "I have probation ahead of me, and it’s not going to be a picnic. I guess I have to place my chips on becoming the Super Bowl MVP."

The Baltimore Ravens, however, are apparently not satisfied. "Having Lewis without this cloud over his head is all fine and good, but frankly it doesn’t mean anything unless the president can also pardon his hit on the salary cap," complained owner Art Modell. "I mean Clinton should have understood that we aren’t really worried about the justice system. It’s cash that does the talking in this league."