Mulling It Over -- Baseball edition

Wow. It's a long, three-day weekend, I have nothing to do, and it's February. (Cue the tumbleweed.)

Does it get any worse than this? I don't think so.

Fighting one off one of these weekends isn't very easy when all there is on TV is bowling, Steven Seagal and an NBA regular season game that has no true entertainment value, unless, of course, it somehow managed to turn into a gang war.

Luckily, there are not many weekends like this one left since March Madness is coming and Opening Day is only 42 days away.

I know a lot about that last tidbit because I spent an inordinate amount of time Sunday morning (that's right, morning) online buying tickets for the Mets' opener. (In case you're interested, I'll be the guy along the first-base line double-fisting nine-dollar beers and cracking wise about Mo Vaughn's weight.)

My painful time online got me to thinking though, and I'm pretty sure all of you know what that means. So without further adieu, I present to you my Major League baseball version of "Mulling It Over."

The biggest winners of all this offseason don't call New York or Chicago home. Instead, the boys from Beantown have to be thanking their lucky stars they won the "Kevin Millar Sweepstakes." How could the Red Sox have even entertained the idea of catching the Yankees without an overweight, 31-year-old utilityman? I can only imagine GM Theo Epstein's thought process: "Well, he's no Ron Coomer, but we can't all be the Yankees"...

Here's hoping the Dodgers sign Tony Clark. Just seeing a lineup that features Clark and Todd Hundley at the heart of the order would be a dream come true...

I would love to be a fly on the wall during a board meeting for the Devil Rays. After a team loses 106 games (as the D-Rays did last season), does it really think it's headed in the right direction when it brings in Steve Parris and Rey Ordonez?...

Speaking of Ordonez, if Clark (who is currently unsigned, believe it or not) does not land with a team by Opening Day, Rey Rey will then take over as the absolute worst value in all of professional athletics...

Now that Tom Glavine is a Met, I fully expect him to become standoffish with the media, ignore fans, and develop an unhealthy dependency on an illegal narcotic, all the while seeing his skills diminish rapidly...

Since the Expos are most likely playing their last games in Montreal this season, I have a possible solution to their relocation dilemma -- New Orleans. I guarantee players like Ken Caminiti, Steve Howe, and Darryl Strawberry would be lining up to play for the new Expos, who could be managed by a newly reinstated Pete Rose. Major Leaguers and New Orleans. If that's not a match made in heaven I just don't know what is...

When the next slice of life, rags-to-riches baseball movie comes out, here's hoping it's about the life and legend that is Hensley "Bam Bam" Muelens...

Along the lines of the great philosophical questions such as "If a tree falls in the woods...," I ask my loyal readers this: if Todd Hundley were to retire tomorrow, would anyone care?...

I wish MTV got as pumped up for Opening Day in Major League Baseball as they do almost every other sport. Who wouldn't love to see Busta Rhymes and Fat Joe beat-boxing "Centerfield" by John Fogerty? You know you would...

Well, our five-month hiatus from the senile ramblings of Tim McCarver is quickly drawing to a close. Damn you, Father Time, for once again failing to catch up with the original T-Mac...

Since it's becoming more and more evident that the networks will not comply with my repeated requests to air "The Magic Hour" in syndication, try this one on for size all you Hollywood bigwigs: "The Manny Ramirez Show." It could be filmed live in Boston and feature such things as "Southie of the Week," "Buckner's a B@#$%," and "Guess Which Grade(s) Manny Failed to Complete"...

I wonder which costs more by the end of the season: Barry Bonds' steroid habit or Mo Vaughn's room service tab?...

I know this is a column about baseball, but I simply must express my deepest gratitude to NBA commissioner David Stern for reinstating Shawn Kemp...

One more thing before I end my rant: Please God, get "Fastlane" off the air by the end of this baseball season or heaven help us all.