The Rookie

Last week, there appeared to be light at the end of the tunnel. But you know that old joke: now here comes the train. Sometimes, as you wander round the Free Internet Chess Server website, you come up against players who are just too good for you. This was one of my more depressing recent experiences in which by about move six I felt I was out of my depth and mentally more or less gave up.

"He’s played the Scotch - and it’s not on the rocks this time," says Short. Witty guy. The doc also pointed out that the name of the opening was nonsense. It was played by the London chess club in a correspondence match against Edinburgh in 1824, so should really be called the "London". So here’s me, under my nom de blunder "AlecHyne", getting thumped in the London opening.

My Nxd4 was, said Short, an early error. Taking the knight is bad, he says, because it concedes the centre. He suggests three possibilities: Nf6, a "tricky, complicated move"; Bc5, his preference; or Qh4, which wins white’s e pawn but leaves black vulnerable to a counterattack. "Interesting but not recommended" is his verdict on Qh4.

He was mortified by my willingness to give up the b pawn. So was I, in retrospect. It was a brainstorm. I sometimes do this in a rote kind of way to give myself a chance to pursue the queen with my rook, but in this position I’m both dropping pawns and allowing white to build an attack.

"You’re too disrespectful, disdainful even, of the proletariat," Short chides me. "You see the lower classes being attacked and you just cast them aside." This is his way of telling me not to chuck away pawns willy-nilly. You see how completely he has made the transition from Tory Telegraph to caring, sharing Guardian.

As I go four pawns down, Short laughs. "He’s taking the piss," he says after Bxa7. "That’s totally gratuitous. He’s just having fun." My position looks hopeless, but at 19. Bf6 (see diagram), Short gets interested. "Qxf6 - why didn’t you take this?" he demanded.

"You have to take this." That move, followed by Qxc3+ and Qxc2 or Rxc2, then Nd4, gives me powerful, possibly winning, counterplay. I, of course, missed it.

"He’s been utterly negligent," says Short. "He’s just given you a massive chance. He’d been taking the mickey for so long that he played one move too far. He should have castled. The fact that he hadn’t gave you a chance. You should have realized that."

I’m not sure whether to be encouraged or even more depressed by the discovery that, after all, I had an opportunity. Probably the latter. Not only did I play abysmally, but even after allowing my position to be wrecked I didn’t consider the one line that might have brought me salvation. No wonder Mr NeedleNum was taking the piss.