Justin and Britney: The Malfunctioning Valentine’s Day Ex’s from Hell

For singles, Valentine’s Day is usually a time of romantic regret provoked by a string of bad relationships. The saccharine overload only makes one feel that they are living inside a nuclear winter of loneliness. Occasionally, a couple - even an ex-couple - comes along that makes one grateful for lonely nights spent watching infomercials at 2am.

This Valentine’s Day should be dedicated to Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears who - even in breakup - manage to obsess over one another in an increasingly creepy fashion. Although both would vehemently deny it, like many bad breakups, these ex-lovers have one eye directed towards the other. What elevates this out of the ordinary pile of corpses we call ‘bad breakups’ is that they both have the ability to grab international headlines with their antics. No midnight, drunken phone calls for these two - instead it’s dueling spots on Entertainment Tonight or MTV for their latest wacky stunts.

Even though the two have separated and pursue their own careers, one can’t escape the feeling that their media stunts are carried out with the other in mind. Like that other past couple from hell - Charles and Diana - one is left with the unmistakable whiff of competition and oneupsmanship.

If this is the holiday of idealized love then their weird relationship must surely emanate from Dante’s sixth circle of hell. For those who joined the game late - let us review.

In the beginning was the word. The word was virginity. Spears maintained a wholesome image publicly professing her virginity and desire to wait until marriage to ‘give it up’ so to speak. Her beau - Justin - was at the time the lead singer of the bubblegum group NSYNC whose own public image was that of the non-threatening teenage boy that pubescent and pre-pubescent girls like to swoon over.

Their meeting was the stuff of Disney films and summer camp. Supposedly gaga over one another since the days of the Mickey Mouse club, they finally came together (no pun intended) in late adolescence while both pursued singing careers and found stardom.

We now know that this was all a sham and Spears virginity pledge was as genuine as Bush and Blair saying they thought Saddam had weapons of mass destruction. Nudge nudge, wink wink.

This was followed by their publicized breakup for reasons which remain unknown but seem to have to do with one or the other - or both - suffering from an inability to keep their pants or thong on (respectively). Shortly thereafter, the gloves came off and Timberlake made reference to performing a certain sexual act on her during a New York radio show. Mickey Mouse must have cringed at the revelation. Timberlake dealt with his frustration by writing and singing about it - his video "Cry me a River" was supposedly a not so subtle message to ex-squeeze Britney. Most of us have to rely on late night phone calls or nasty e-mails. Timberlake dished his dirt on MTV.

Spears has responded by apparently leaving enough mystery lyrics in Toxic that seem to refer to a cheating ex. Is Timblerlake toxic? Is she? Are we? Who killed Kennedy? The mind boggles.

Throw into the mix a Britney "joke taken too far" (i.e. wedding to the sane world) in Las Vegas to Jason Alexander. The marriage was quickly annulled (and, if Jason was smart, quickly consummated) but the publicity was achieved. Spears had previously made headlines around the world for her open mouthed kiss of Madonna at the MTV music awards. In fairness, Timberlake was somewhat hampered by a suitable response to the Spears-Madonna smooch. If he had turned around and -say - locked lips with Bruce Springsteen, it is doubtful that the publicity might have been of the same quality. Ah, lesbian chic can be so unfair.

What’s a jilted boy to do? The answer came during last week’s Superbowl when Timberlake exposed the right breast of Janet Jackson - whoops - it was a "wardrobe malfunction". The malfunction may have been Timberlake’s decision to protest later and claim it was unplanned or it may have been his befuddlement at the negative publicity.

Malfunctions aside, it was curious to see Timberlake in his deer in the headlights expression as he fought to explain himself. Like so many things it must have seemed a good idea at the time. He went so far as to resort to ‘wholesome college sophomore going for a job interview’ attire at the Grammy Awards. He professed his love for his mother who, it should be noted, was sitting in the audience looking like she was in the midst of a double wardrobe malfunction if you get my meaning. Is there no law against women over a certain age letting it all hang out?

Spears also received her share of public bashing for her marriage. Can it be that both popstars have badly miscalculated their own status? Say it ain’t so, Joe. In a twisted way it manages to give one respect for Madonna who - now on the north side of 40 - must look at the antics of these two with something like glee and well-deserved self-satisfaction. In her heyday before spawning, Madonna managed to pull things off that make these two look like - well - like a couple of Mousketeers caught sipping out of their parent’s liquor cabinet.

This escalation between the two reminds me of why it is okay to be single on this Valentine’s Day. Or at the very least, why it can sometimes be fun to watch other people break up.

Or perhaps my obsession should be a clue that I need to get a date of my own.

I wonder if Britney’s free this weekend.