Peter Aveyard: We ain't going without a fight

Michael Jackson has been spotted wearing only one shoe. The wacky singer famous for pioneering cosmetic surgery to the point where he is now composed of 72% silicone claimed to have been bitten by a common spider. "It's real bad." Said Jacko " If I showed it to you, you'd be shocked. It hurts very much right now as I squeak…, I mean speak."

Jackson, ever the eccentric is said to be suing the spider for industrial injury. The spider said "Well I just got fed up of all that bloody moon walking. I live behind the dado rail in the corridor and every time he goes to the fridge he’s doing that silly dance. You can’t get a wink of sleep for all the oooh!, and ow!, he does." Jackson’s lawyers are pressing the judge for and eviction order, when asked to comment the spider said. "He can’t get rid of me that easy. Four generations of us have lived in that house and we ain’t going without a fight, and I resent being referred to as a common spider. You should see the way he eats. He doesn’t use a knife and fork. The monkey has more manners than him" Shortly after the interview the spider collapsed and was taken to hospital with suspected silicone poisoning.

During a recent court appearance Jackson made fun of his own surgically-altered appearance. Jacko was seen wearing pink lipstick and rouge on his cheeks, that he’d borrowed from bubbles. Pulling daft faces at a photographer he used his fingers to make horns above his head. "Great footage for the next video" said Jacko's manager.

Later when asked about the incident in London where he dangled his baby from a fourth-floor balcony, he said, "It's my child. I love my children," and then gave the boy a banana, put both arms in the air and began making chimpanzee noises, before running off into the distance with his underpants on his head shouting "back to never land children, back to never, never land yee hee."