Lord-U-Like is now open for business

When the young man from the Sunday Times telephoned to ask how much I would charge to attend a Christmas party, I made the obvious assumption. Rupert Murdoch was in town and wanted to add a little intellectual distinction to Sky's yuletide celebration. Before the call I assumed that bribing guests to turn up and smile must be the last desperate expedient of the rich and unpopular. Not a bit of it. The young man was investigating what has become a burgeoning trade in small talk and charm. Apparently some catering companies include in their list of items for hire cutlery, table linen, glasses, Peter Mandelson and Michael Portillo.

I am assured that their suave presence is, in itself, sufficient to heighten the social status of the evening. All that their hosts expect of them is "the same behaviour of any other guest". That must mean that, if there is music and a band, they dance. I am trying to put out of my mind the memory of Doris Day playing a night club hostess and telling an importunate James Cagney, "My company is all you get".

Lest it should be thought that I disapprove of such innocent moonlighting, let me make it clear that I am considering entering the market. I shall not attend parties myself. My role will be entrepreneur of what will expand from a cottage industry into a multi-national enterprise. For I have discovered a winning formula. Apparently some people will pay a thousand pounds to attract a mere MP to their parties. So peers of the realm will be able to charge at least twice as much. Cheques made payable (in advance) to Lord-U-Like.

Unfortunately, an invidious scale of charges would be unavoidable. Paying guests who could both walk and talk will be at a premium. Willingness to dress in a way which enhanced the occasion (Old Etonian ties for peers at lunch, tiaras for peeresses in the evenings) will carry a bonus. A promise not to insist on addressing the gath- ering will qualify for a supplementary payment (made after the assignment had been completed as agreed).

I have no doubt that the government will gladly endorse the idea. It supports anything that can be described as a public-private partnership. To make sure of Tony Blair's cooperation, I propose to combine the scheme with a plan which will solve his dilemma over constitutional reform. It is caused Peers Swap.

I have for some time considered a novel scheme for truly democratising the House of Lords. I may well propose it to the select committee on constitutional reform when I give evidence next month. Implementing my plan would result in a real injection of "ordinary people" into the upper house of parliament. Its essential feature is Title Twinning. On payment of a suitable fee, a commoner would for a week assume what the letters patent call the "name, state, degree, style, dignity, title andhonour" of a member of the House of Lords.

Again charges would vary. To become an earl would be more expensive than merely becoming a baron. Some weeks would cost more than others. A period which included the state opening of parliament would be the top tariff (hire of robes extra). At the bottom would be any session in which Baroness Blatch led for the opposition on any subject. On payment of a supplement, a seat next to Lord Bragg or Lord Attenborough would be guaranteed. And all this could be achieved without a perceptible reduction in the democratic legitimacy of the House of Lords.

When I first had the idea, I did not imagine that the individual peers would keep the money. But as it seems some people will charge for anything, I now think that Peer Swap should be run as a non-profit company - Lord-U-Like - "the chance to give upper class to your party". That would still enable the participants to earn huge directors' fees though my bonus would depend on making sure that the hired help was suitable for the occasion. Baroness Young would have to be kept away from raves and Lord Lloyd-Webber would not be allowed to appear at any event which included music. But I have long believed that we have as least as many peers as we need.

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