General: A sports Christmas wish list

I was asking what the members of the Detroit Lions wanted for Christmas Wednesday for the magazine that I write for, "Real Detroit Weekly," and in asking this question numerous times, and getting responses such as rims for my car, warm weather in Detroit, etc., I came up with what I want for a sports' Christmas of my own.

Rocking around the Christmas tree or the Chanukah bush, as I will call it I think, I want Bill Ford Jr. or Bill Ford Sr. to fire both head coach Marty Mornhinweg and president Matt Millen. These two guys have won a total of five dame in their two-year regime with the Detroit Lions, they have an already made a bad franchise look worse than the Arizona Cardinals.

I want a world a where we can walk into 7-Eleven without an interpreter, oh wait a minute that is what Police Squad's Frank Drebin wanted in "Naked 2 and a 1/2."

I want O.J. Simpson to look in the mirror and finally find the real killer.

I want the Lakers to start playing better and contend in the NBA Western Conference. This is because if the Sacramento "Queens" as Shaq calls them, win the NBA Championship, and the Lakers miss the playoffs, everyone will say that the Queens only won it because the Lakers had a down year.

I want Michigan State basketball coach Tom Izzo to stop yelling and screaming about how his team played bad even though they might have won. Look at the bright side, at least you guys do win on a semi-more-than-regular basis, as opposed to the basketball team in Ann Arbor.

I want Jared Lorenzen, the Kentucky quarterback, to catch the eye of NFL scouts because a 300lb quarterback in the NFL sounds too cool.

Even though I am a Michigan alum, I want Ohio State to beat Miami in the Fiesta Bowl and win the National Championship. I am sick of hearing how the Big Ten is weak or overrated, and that they have no athletes. Hey, rest of the nation, how about you try to recruit players for schools that require at least a 2.0 GPA.

I want the entire Oregon basketball team to cut their hair. It is like Dan Dickau has been cloned and he accounts for eight members of the Ducks' basketball team.

I want the for the entire sports world to rid themselves of the evil sport of soccer. Except Afghanistan because they used to hold public executions in the soccer stadiums.

I want a women to be allowed membership to the Augusta National Golf Club. I also want that women to find a way to pee in the woods on that golf course to be just like most men when they go golfing.

I want for my knee to get better so I can play pick up games of lacrosse.

I want a camera so I can take pictures of Tiger Woods and his caddy can take away from me and throw it in the lake.

I want to see more Lebron James games on TV because seeing a guy six-feet, eight-inches, and 215 pounds dominate against guys that are barely six feet is all too convincing for me that he'll be a NBA star.

I want the Minnesota Wild, Vancouver Canucks, Dallas Stars, St. Louis Blues and Edmonton Oilers to continue their stellar play in the NHL's Western Conference because the regular season has been to boring here in Hockeytown without some competition.

I want Lance Armstrong to keep continuing to win Tour de France's and to inspire Americans and to continue to piss off ignorant Europeans. You can't put a dollar or a euro on what his accomplishments have meant to people.

That is my sports Christmas wish list -- a Happy New Year and a happy new Lions' coach and GM for me, for all through the night for the kids to see, Santa deliver presents grace upon thee, and how does the next line of that Christmas poem go?

I think that I had a line of the Canadian National Anthem in there...