Ways to market today's NBA

By Pete Sweigard Sports Central Columnist

David Stern can't be entirely pleased with the state of the NBA.

The Kobe Bryant case continues to plague the league. Tracy McGrady's star has dimmed this season as Orlando got off to an abysmal start. Everybody "loves" parody in the NFL, yet the press and fans keep knocking the inferior Eastern Conference. Multiple arrests have fueled fan perception of widespread drug use among players.

Meanwhile, this past week in an incendiary interview, Rasheed Wallace ripped Stern, the league's treatment of young players, and just about everything except the bald patch on the back of his head.

Yet, I'm sitting at my desk moronically staring at a NBA PR packet trumpeting the league's partnership with Build-a-Bear Workshop. Teddy bears, along with puppy dogs and ice cream, aren't the first word association I'd have kick out for the current Association.

The bears will wear bear-sized NBA jerseys and hold replica teddy-riffic Spalding balls. I just coined "teddy-riffic." How did the good people at Build-a-Bear-Workshop let that one slip through the cracks?

Select cities will have NBA players on hand for bear-building and such. Send 'Sheed!

"Yo, this is 'Sheed. I ain't no dumbass fool out here. Teddy bears are a tangible symbol of love, security, and friendship. The commissioner of the league makes more than three-quarters of the players, but not me ... You know, CTC, cut the check, yo. That's an adorable bear you got there. Stay in school, kids."

Enough. Despite some negative press, a quick perusal of the NBA's web site revealed 14 corporate mentions on just their home page. 14! Speed Stick, Real One, Lego, Nike, Gatorade, Reebok (you can skip to the end of the list now), Nestle Crunch, got Milk?, Xbox, Staples, Southwest, Upper Deck, Fleer, and Topps.

To a much greater extent than the other Big Four sports, the NBA seamlessly combines their site's contents with corporate promotions. Stern hasn't been keeping young players down, to paraphrase Rasheed Wallace, because he's been too busy maximizing the potential of the NBA's marketing juggernaut (already thriving largely due to the Michael Jordan era).

By the way, due to the influx of foreign players and fans, the NBA's website lists all players' weights in kilograms, in addition to pounds. So you can find out K.G.'s kgs (Kevin Garnett is 108.9 kg). It certainly makes sense for Damon Stoudamire's weight to be listed in kilos...

In case things really turn sour for the NBA, I've thrown together a couple alternative-marketing concepts for Stern and the boys. Just give me a teddy bear and we'll call it even.

1. Kobe Bryant, the NBA's wonder boy prior to the rape allegations this summer, has unexpectedly switched shoe companies, opting out of his Adidas deal to shill for Nike. Nike's first Kobe spot will be an extension of the recent Jordan brand "I am his" spots, which featured Warren Sapp (alter ego), Eddie George (fight), and Carmelo Anthony (student), comparing themselves to Jordan qualities. Referring to Jordan in his commercial, Kobe will say, "I am his fidelity."

2. Shaq's back in a sequel to the Burger King commercial where he proclaimed, "You've gotta get a Shaq pack!" This time around, the home of the Whopper has broken new ground in the fast food industry, introducing the long-awaited, flame-broiled BK hotdog. With Shaft music playing in the background, this go-round Shaq will say, "You've gotta get Shaq's wiener!"

3. Subway has decided that Jared's 15 minutes are up, but they will only slightly tweak the "What would Jared do?" commercials. Surprisingly, Ron Artest replaces Jared. "What would Artest do?" commercials plan to show the volatile Pacer randomly attacking an old woman on the street, hysterically screaming at inanimate objects, and enjoying a low-fat chicken teriyaki on honey oat bread (Artest's favorite food when he's lucid).

4. Paul Pierce has announced that he will sign a lucrative endorsement deal with Ginsu Knives, the hot-selling TV kitchenware that can cut through just about anything. In the commercial, Pierce explains, "If that dude who stabbed me had used a Ginsu, I'd be dead."

5. Finally, Kenyon Martin will become a spokesman for the National Kidney Fund. In an attempt to "scare kidney people straight," Martin will scowl, make chicken sounds, and taunt, "What? Does your kidney hurt?" How can Martin be so cold? The star power forward released a statement saying that "kidney people creep me out."

That's all, folks. I'm extremely impressed if there's anybody out there who managed to get through the whole piece unscathed.

Article courtesy of Sports Central.