Peter Aveyard: A Christmas naivety scene
Some people are just born mugs. And so Tony and Cherie came to Bethlehem but there was no room at the holiday villa they had borrowed from a friend.
Warning. Discretionary Content. This article may contain material that is either inappropriate or offensive to some audiences.
And so Tony and Cherie came to Bethlehem but there was no room at the holiday villa they had borrowed from a friend. "What will we do Tony" asked Cherie, heavily pregnant and looking like she would go into Labour any minute.
"Well, we’ll find some where don’t worry" Tony replied.
Cherie searched through her address book and said "Tony, I know someone who may be able to help us. He’s a nice Australian chap I met through my guru. Shall I give him a call"
"Yes darling we need all the help we can get at this desperate time."
So Cherie made her phone call and within an hour or two they had arrived outside a great weird looking mansion adorned with gargoyles. They rang the bell and a strange looking creature opened the door. It was dressed from head to foot in black. It’s hair was long and straw like. It’s evil eyes were hidden behind round sunglasses. Tony spoke, "Hello, we are looking for a Mr Osbourne, are you he?"
"Yeah who the f**k are you"
"We are Tony and Cherie and we can’t find a place to stay anywhere but I believe one of our nice Australian friends has purchased a barn from you"
"Oh yeah said Ozzy, come in. I’m the Prince of Darkness but your mate stitched me up good and proper the B*****d!, but anyway here it is. Sorry about the f**kin animals they keep s***ing all over the place. Well I’m going to bed good night"
"Good night Mr Osbourne" said Tony and Cherie and no sooner had they begun to settle down than Cherie went into labour and soon a baby was born.
Hearing about the miraculous birth, three wise men came from afar. "Hello My name is Gilchrist and I bring you the gift of an early settlement to the FBU dispute" said Gilchrist.
"Oh that’s very kind Mr Gilchrist about four and a half percent should do it"
"Twelve"
"Six"
"Ten
"Eight"
"Deal"
Then the second wise man spoke "I have nothing tangible to offer sir, only the promise of no effective opposition to you what so ever for the foreseeable future" said Duncan smith
"That’s very kind Smith but you shouldn’t have" said Tony
"I can’t help it" Smith replied. And then the wisest of them all brought forward his gift and announced "I am Bush and I bring you a franking machine"
"A franking machine" replied Tony
"Well my secretary said I was supposed to bring you something with frank in it but I can’t quite remember what it was."
"frankincense?" Tony suggested.
"Yes that’s it frankincense, oh damn. Well here, you may as well have this Frankie Goes to Hollywood LP I bought as a backup."
Suddenly the barn door opened and Mr Osbourne shouted "What the f**k is all this. SHARON there’s a load of f**kin hippies in our barn"
"I think you’ll find it’s our barn now" said Cherie
"Oh how nice" Said Gilchrist "How much did you pay for it"
"Ten grand" replied Cherie
"That’s well below the market asking price isn’t it" said Bush
"I smell a rat here" said Smith did you negotiate the sale of this barn through an Australian conman Cherie?"
"No"
"Yes you f**kin did" said Mr Osbourne
"Well err I might have"
"Well did you or didn’t you" asked Smith
"Yes, Well it was a return favour for offering legal advise on his deportation case"
"Aha!" Said Gilchrist "More sleaze, the deals off
"Yes and I’ll have my Franking machine back" said Bush scooping it up along with his Frankie Goes to Hollywood LP.
"You can have your money back and get the f**k out of my barn" said Mr Osbourne
And so poor Tony and Cherie were turned out into the cold winter night.
"Well thank you anyway for the use of your barn in our hour of need Mr Osbourne" said Tony
"oh f**k off" said Mr Osbourne.
And so Tony and Cherie came to Bethlehem but there was no room at the holiday villa they had borrowed from a friend. "What will we do Tony" asked Cherie, heavily pregnant and looking like she would go into Labour any minute.
"Well, we’ll find some where don’t worry" Tony replied.
Cherie searched through her address book and said "Tony, I know someone who may be able to help us. He’s a nice Australian chap I met through my guru. Shall I give him a call"
"Yes darling we need all the help we can get at this desperate time."
So Cherie made her phone call and within an hour or two they had arrived outside a great weird looking mansion adorned with gargoyles. They rang the bell and a strange looking creature opened the door. It was dressed from head to foot in black. It’s hair was long and straw like. It’s evil eyes were hidden behind round sunglasses. Tony spoke, "Hello, we are looking for a Mr Osbourne, are you he?"
"Yeah who the f**k are you"
"We are Tony and Cherie and we can’t find a place to stay anywhere but I believe one of our nice Australian friends has purchased a barn from you"
"Oh yeah said Ozzy, come in. I’m the Prince of Darkness but your mate stitched me up good and proper the B*****d!, but anyway here it is. Sorry about the f**kin animals they keep s***ing all over the place. Well I’m going to bed good night"
"Good night Mr Osbourne" said Tony and Cherie and no sooner had they begun to settle down than Cherie went into labour and soon a baby was born.
Hearing about the miraculous birth, three wise men came from afar. "Hello My name is Gilchrist and I bring you the gift of an early settlement to the FBU dispute" said Gilchrist.
"Oh that’s very kind Mr Gilchrist about four and a half percent should do it"
"Twelve"
"Six"
"Ten
"Eight"
"Deal"
Then the second wise man spoke "I have nothing tangible to offer sir, only the promise of no effective opposition to you what so ever for the foreseeable future" said Duncan smith
"That’s very kind Smith but you shouldn’t have" said Tony
"I can’t help it" Smith replied. And then the wisest of them all brought forward his gift and announced "I am Bush and I bring you a franking machine"
"A franking machine" replied Tony
"Well my secretary said I was supposed to bring you something with frank in it but I can’t quite remember what it was."
"frankincense?" Tony suggested.
"Yes that’s it frankincense, oh damn. Well here, you may as well have this Frankie Goes to Hollywood LP I bought as a backup."
Suddenly the barn door opened and Mr Osbourne shouted "What the f**k is all this. SHARON there’s a load of f**kin hippies in our barn"
"I think you’ll find it’s our barn now" said Cherie
"Oh how nice" Said Gilchrist "How much did you pay for it"
"Ten grand" replied Cherie
"That’s well below the market asking price isn’t it" said Bush
"I smell a rat here" said Smith did you negotiate the sale of this barn through an Australian conman Cherie?"
"No"
"Yes you f**kin did" said Mr Osbourne
"Well err I might have"
"Well did you or didn’t you" asked Smith
"Yes, Well it was a return favour for offering legal advise on his deportation case"
"Aha!" Said Gilchrist "More sleaze, the deals off
"Yes and I’ll have my Franking machine back" said Bush scooping it up along with his Frankie Goes to Hollywood LP.
"You can have your money back and get the f**k out of my barn" said Mr Osbourne
And so poor Tony and Cherie were turned out into the cold winter night.
"Well thank you anyway for the use of your barn in our hour of need Mr Osbourne" said Tony
"oh f**k off" said Mr Osbourne.
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