Bowls that the NCAA turned down for 2001

OK, I admit it. I was rooting for LSU to beat Tennessee just to see the BCS turn into a royal mess, which is exactly what happened.

In honor of what the BCS has become, here is a humorous look at some suggested bowls that were turned down by the NCAA and the teams that could have filled those bowls this year.

And, let's be honest...some of these matchups may just be better games than the Miami-Nebraska snoozefest we will all be subjected to in Pasadena.

The Loser Bowl Navy (0-10) vs. Houston (0-11) The records say it all. Someone has to win, but only because college football has an overtime system in place. If there weren't, I would easily predict this contest as a 7-7 tie. Both teams should be able to score at least one touchdown by accident. The loser of this game gets to play one quarter against the winner of the BCS national championship game. The point spread going into that game should begin somewhere around 60-65 points, even given the fact just one quarter will be played. The halftime festivities will be provided by Beck.

The Osama Bin Laden Bowl Army (3-8) vs. Air Force (6-6) In honor of our servicemen in Afghanistan and in other locales across the world, this game has been indefinitely delayed until Bin Laden has been captured. This game will be played in Kabul, Afghanistan with the winning team getting the honor of executing Bin Laden at midfield. New wartime reporter Geraldo Rivera will provide exclusive coverage of this game.

The No Aloha Bowl Hawaii (9-3) vs. Middle Tennessee State (8-3) This bowl is for teams that wish there was still a bowl in Hawaii. Since Hawaii was usually one of the schools picked for either of the bowls staged in Hawaii (the Aloha and Oahu Bowls were discontinued after last season due to poor attendance), they are a natural choice for this bowl. And, since 5-6 North Texas was chosen as the Sun Belt Conference's representative for the New Orleans Bowl, I'll reward the Blue Raiders with a trip to paradise.

The History Bowl Penn State (5-6) vs. Mississippi State (3-8) JoePa vs. Jackie Sherrill -- what a great matchup this would be for a bowl game -- in 1991. Rumor has it that this bowl already had a broadcast contract set up with ESPN Classic. The History Channel also had been in the bidding for broadcast rights.

The Real Alabama Bowl UAB (6-5) vs. Troy St. (7-4) Forget Alabama and Auburn, these two teams might just be the best college teams in the state of Alabama this year. UAB put TCU in danger of not being bowl eligible by beating them 38-17 on November 10. Unfortunately, TCU still managed to steal what should have been UAB's bid to the galleryfurniture.com Bowl in Houston (yes, this is a real bowl and will be contested on December 28 in the Astrodome).

Troy State beat Mississippi State in Starkville, while MSU was still considered an SEC West contender, even if the game was played in enough water to drench a desert. They also gave Miami and Nebraska fits in game they played against the two schools. Against Miami, the Hurricanes led just 17-7 at the half before finally pulling away for a 38-7 win. And Troy State was down just 28-14 at the half against Nebraska before the Cornhuskers scored twice in the second half for a 42-14 final.

The Shaft Bowl Bowling Green (8-3) vs. South Florida (8-3) Both of these teams beat schools that are currently in bowls, and probably deserve to be in bowls as much as, if not more than, the schools they beat. Therefore, they feel they were shafted. Bowling Green's last two games this season were a 43-42 win over Northwestern in Evanston and a 56-21 blowout over MAC champion Toledo.

South Florida nearly ruined the season of the Pittsburgh Panthers and had the best record of all Division I-A independents. This was despite the fact that this was the Bulls' first season in I-A.

The Basketball Bowl Kansas (3-8) vs. Temple (4-7) This would definitely be a good game...if it were played on a basketball court. And, if Duke weren't already slotted for another bowl, they would definitely have made it here. There is no word on the ability of KU's Jeff Boschee to hit Drew Gooden on an out pattern, nor on the running ability of Temple's Lynn Greer. Who wouldn't love to see Roy Williams vs. John Chaney on the football field?

The Drunken Quarterback Bowl UCLA (7-4) vs. Ohio State (7-4) As much as I tried not to use teams currently participating in bowls, this matchup was too good to avoid. The rules will be made different for this game. After each snap, both UCLA's Cory Paus and OSU's Steve Bellisari will be required to drink shots. The first team to have a quarterback unable to pass the Breathalyzer test will be declared the loser. The game will be held in New Orleans, and the players will go to the French Quarter during halftime rather than to the locker room.

There is no truth to the rumor that UCLA's DeShaun Foster will serve as honorary bartender, but he will present the winning team with a brand-new SUV after the game.

The Louisiana Branch Bowl Louisiana-Lafayette (3-8) vs. Louisiana-Monroe (2-9) This will be the second half of a doubleheader featuring a third 2001 matchup between Louisiana high school powers Evangel Christian and West Monroe, who have split their two meetings this year. Louisiana-Monroe did offer West Monroe's team some players on loan for their game, however the Rebels politely declined, citing the fact that their players have more talent than the players at Louisiana-Monroe.

The No-Defense Bowl Nevada (3-8) vs. Idaho (1-10) This game will not be timed. Instead, the first team to reach 100 points will win the game. Nevada gave up an average of 39.2 points per game on their way to a 3-8 record, while Idaho gave up 45.0 points per game. Idaho would undoubtedly be the favorite, with a game against Middle Tennessee State in which they scored 58 points but still lost. Nevada gave up less than 30 points on two occasions, while the Vandals never gave up less than 33 points in any one game.

The Former Pro Bowl Virginia (5-7) vs. Oregon State (5-6) Both head coaches were pacing NFL sidelines recently. Virginia's Al Groh left the New York Jets to accept the job at Virginia, his alma mater. Former Seattle Seahawks coach Dennis Erickson saw his OSU team, which was ranked No. 1 in the preseason by Sports Illustrated, end up not even making a bowl. However, if this game were to be played, Beavers' running back Ken Simonton would have his chance to become the first running back in Pac-10 history with 1,000 yards or more rushing in all four seasons. Simonton finished with 971 yards this season.

The SWC Bowl Rice (8-4) vs. Baylor (3-8) Ahhh, the Southwestern Conference. What memories that conference brings back. The winner of this game will have their team become the focus of an official NCAA inquiry and will face a long-term probation in honor of the scandal-ridden SWC.

The Wildcat Bowl Arizona (5-6), Kentucky (2-9) and Northwestern (4-7) All three teams will take part in a round-robin aggregate score format. The winner gets a best-of-three showdown with Kansas State's Wildcats for the Wildcat Championship.

The Politically Incorrect Bowl San Diego St. Aztecs (3-8) vs. Central Michigan Chippewas (3-8) The NCAA decided against this bowl due to inadequate staffing. The issue was not staffing for the bowl game itself, rather, it was due to the fact that the NCAA office is spending all of its time and resources defending the horribly bad BCS system that doesn't work and, therefore, cannot contribute the resources necessary to defend the Native American protestors that would protest the mascots of these two schools.

The Green Bowl Tulane Green Wave (3-9) vs. North Texas Mean Green (5-6) This bowl game will be played at Green Stadium in Kobe, Japan as an attempt by the NCAA to globalize the only thing they really truly care about -- green money.

The Cowboy Bowl Oklahoma St. (4-7) vs. Wyoming (2-9) A long trip will be in the works for both schools in this game -- the Saddledome in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Teams will be permitted to ride a mechanical bull at halftime for extra points for their team.

The Weather Channel Bowl Tulsa Golden Hurricane (1-10) vs. Iowa St. Cyclones (7-4) The Georgia Dome will need to be opened for this one. Since the Weather Channel is the sponsor, the game will need to be played in Atlanta. Jim Cantori will be the sideline reporter and hurricane expert John Hope will provide the play-by-play.

The Satan Bowl Duke Blue Devils (0-11) vs. Arizona State Sun Devils (4-7) Borrowing from a Florida State tradition, the winner of this game gets to stick a flaming pitchfork into midfield. The winning team of this game gets an added bonus -- a one-way ticket to hell. Thanks to the Church Lady from Saturday Night Live for volunteering her services as public address announcer.

The Women's Basketball Bowl Connecticut (2-9) vs. Vanderbilt (2-9) The Huskies take on the Commodores in a classic matchup. Maybe to make the game more interesting, they can play the game at Vanderbilt's Memorial Gymnasium so the benches can be on either baseline. Is Vandy center Chantelle Anderson (6'6") too tall for wide receiver?

The Aggie Bowl Utah St. (4-7) vs. New Mexico St. (5-7) That's right, Texas A&M is not the only Division I-A school full of Aggies. Not that ESPN's Sidelines program about Texas A&M would want you to think differently. This game will be played in College Station, Texas in an attempt to educate A&M fans that there are other Aggies in this world.

The Toliet Bowl Arkansas State (2-9, 236.875 BCS points) vs. Eastern Michigan (2-9, 237.75 BCS points) Finally, the granddaddy of them all -- the Toilet Bowl! Yes, I actually took the time to find out which teams had the worst BCS ratings in Division I-A. To figure these, I took an average of the Associated Press and ESPN/USA Today polls, all the computer polls used by the BCS, the quotient for schedule strength, amount of losses, and quality wins...the exact same formula the BCS uses.

Of course, there were no quality wins over Top 15 BCS opponents. The average for the polls was calculated to be at 41. Both polls had 40 teams voted on, therefore both teams were given the next number in line since neither team received any points. The computer averages were very close between both schools. Arkansas St. had a computer average of 157.625 and Eastern Michigan had a computer average of 158.75. By comparison, the top-ranked team in the eSports Media Group Top 25, Miami, had a computer average of 1.0.

Eastern Michigan had a schedule strength of 116th, good for 29 BCS points, while the 117th ranked schedule of the Indians was good for 29.25 points. Each team had nine losses, which gives their totals. The third-worst BCS team was Navy (0-10, 226.5 points), who will appear in a later bowl. A courtesy flush will be required of the loser of this epic tilt.

Please feel free to contact the NCAA offices in Indianapolis regarding any displeasure to the fact that none of these bowl games will be played. And, while you are demanding that these games be played next year, please also feel free to let them know that a playoff system is the only true way to determine a national champion.