General: A new spin on an old favorite

Somebody help me. As I sit here and watch my beloved New York Knicks tank yet another game, I can't help but ask why they just can't stop playing now and wait till it's time to draft LeBron James in June.

At least I have your 2002 edition Santa can, which gets me thinking: why can't I create my own Santa cans? Clearly, Coca-Cola can't have a monopoly on Santa Claus.

So, with a special story-telling twist, here are a few of my suggestions for the 2003 Santa can, featuring some of my favorite sports personalities in the role of Santa.

Albert Connell-a Claus: Buy a twelve pack of these one-of-a-kind cans and your loved ones will fall in love with Albert Connell-a Claus. With each can you can follow Connell-a Claus throughout the house as he searches for jewelry, loose change, and any other valuables that might be lying around. And you won't want to miss the twelfth and final can, where Connell-a Claus is caught with his hand in the cookie jar and explains that "...it was all a joke. I was just tryin' to be like that green motherf@#%*#* in the Jim Carrey movie."

Shawn Kemp-a Claus: This set of cans is designed to get you in touch with the real meaning of not only the NBA, but Christmas, too. Each can shows Kemp-a Claus going from room to room impregnating any female he can find. Then, after downing a few gallons of rum-laced eggnog, leaving immediately, never to speak to any of the women, or resultant children, ever again. HO HO HO!!!

John Madden-a Claus: Nothing marks the return of John Madden to this holiday better than these Madden-a Claus cans. Rather than risk getting stuck in the chimney, Madden-a Claus uses a lock pick set he bought at Ace Hardware to clumsily break into the house. Upon hearing someone jimmying the front door lock, the children wake up, only to be frightened by the leprosy-indicative features that characterize Madden-a Claus' grotesque appearance. Madden-a Claus then uses his telestrator to circle where the kids' presents are under the tree, despite the fact the kids were aware of this obvious fact.

Theo Fleury-a Claus: Nothing brightens up a White Christmas better than an NHL star. Follow Fleury-a Claus as he drunkenly crashes his sleigh in the front yard, revealing that his "sack of toys" is nothing more than a Styrofoam cooler jam-packed with a few dozen empty cans of Schlitz beer. Sure, Fleury-a Claus might pass out on the front porch before even making it into the house. But, the kids, as well as those of you lucky enough to snatch up these limited edition cans, will have something that lasts a lifetime.

Mark Corey-a Claus: While Corey-a Claus might be the least known of the new Santas, he also has the potential to be the most popular. This unique set of cans displays Corey-a Claus on Christmas Eve tokin' up before what promises to be a long night ahead. Unfortunately, for both Corey-a Claus and the millions of kids counting on him, Corey-a Claus suffers a marijuana-induced seizure right outside his North Pole hotel. Oops! It's puff, puff, give Corey-a Claus.

Tom Berenger-a Claus: Thanks to such renowned name recognition, this can promises to be a consumer favorite. This unique set of cans begins with Berenger-a Claus at the top of his game on a Coca-Cola can. The set then spirals downward as Berenger-a Claus accepts any can, regardless of quality, put on his desk until the twelfth and final can, a Shasta Diet Grape Soda, which features Berenger-a Claus telling anyone who will listen that he "has a great script."

Portland Trail Blazer-a Claus: The only set of cans that features 12 different Santas, these cans represent "The 12 Blazers of Christmas." Each can features a different Blazer-a Claus breaking the law while simultaneously alienating adults and children alike in his own unique way. Like the Ruben Patterson can, which features Patterson physically abusing one of his elves for scratching his sleigh. And you won't want to miss the Damon Stoudamire can that illustrates the correct way to drive a sleigh and roll a blunt at the same time.

Kordell Stewart-a Claus: Sure to be a favorite in Pittsburgh, these cans star Steelers' quarterback Kordell Stewart. When the kids catch Stewart-a Claus under the mistletoe smooching one of his male elves on the first can, the following 11 cans are devoted to covering up just what it was the kids "think" they saw. Dad, a devout Steelers fan, promises to keep a tight lip so long as Stewart-a Claus promises to bring a Super Bowl ring next Christmas.

Well there they are. Just a few suggestions for us all to enjoy Coca Cola and Christmas even more next year. A Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night...