The Abuser in Denial

Abusers regularly deny the abuse ever took place - or rationalize their abusive behaviors. Denial is an integral part of the abuser's ability to "look at himself/herself in the mirror".

There are many types of denial. When confronted by his victims, most abusers tend to shift blame or avoid the topic altogether.

Total denial

1. Outright denial
Typical retorts by the abuser:

"It never happened, or it was not abuse, you are just imagining it, or you want to hurt my (the abuser's) feelings"

2. Alloplastic defense
Common sentences when challenged:

"It was your fault, you, or your behavior, or the circumstances, provoked me into such behavior"

3. Altruistic defense
Usual convoluted explanations:

"I did it for you, in your best interests"

4. Transformative defense
Recurring themes:

"What I did to you was not abuse - it was common and accepted behavior (at the time, or in the context of the prevailing culture or in accordance with social norms), it was not meant as abuse"

Abusers frequently have narcissistic traits. As such, they are more concerned with appearance than with substance. Dependent for narcissistic supply on the community - neighbors, colleagues, co-workers, bosses, friends, extended family - they cultivate an unblemished reputation for honesty, industriousness, religiosity, reliability, and conformity.

Forms of denial in public

4. Family honor stricture
Characteristic admonitions:

"We don't do dirty laundry publicly, the family's honor and repute must be preserved, what will the neighbors say?"

5. Family functioning stricture
Dire and ominous scenarios:

"If you snitch and inform the authorities, they will take me (the abusive parent) away and the whole family will disintegrate"

Confronting the abuser with incontrovertible proof of his abusive behavior is one way of minimizing contact with him. Abusers - like the narcissists that they often are - cannot tolerate criticism or disagreement.