Santa Claus

1. Hi. Ho ho ho ho. Just to let you know, I'm still here - reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

2. So there I was, sat in Lapland and looking at some things on the internet during my mid-morning mince pie break, when I read that some vicar had said I'd carked it.

3. It turns out he'd swallowed whole something he'd found on the net that said I was a scientific impossibility and the reindeers would burst into flames if they flew fast enough to get round the world in one night.

4. What do scientists know anyway? They say they put a man on the moon (though I'm not too sure about that one, check out what I've just been reading) but they can't stop Rudolph's nose going red.

5. Anyway, let me tell you a bit about myself. I'm an elderly-ish gentleman who gives presents to kiddies at Christmas. I live in Lapland, a very beautiful part of the world.

6. I'm not too sure about some of the tourists we get round our way now, but I don't think me and Mrs Claus will ever leave - we love to sip our cream sherry on the patio and watch the aurora borealis.

7. I also do a bit of work in the north pole getting ready for the big day, so it's more or less Christmas all year round. You can do that on the computer now, but I tend to think that anyone who actually does might be a few needles short of a pine tree, as we say round here.

8. But it's getting to my busy time again so it's ok for you to start getting a little more festive - if you feel like getting in touch, I'm going to be on this website again on the Friday before Christmas for a bit of chat.

9. That should also reassure you I'm not dead, which is where we started. If you need more proof, the US military follows my movements. I like to point out to people that, if you think about it, that makes me more real than Osama bin Laden.

10. Anyway - it's time to get back to packing the sleigh and brushing the reindeer ready for Christmas. I'll maybe see you in a couple of weeks' time. Provided you've been good.