Shape Up or Chip Out: A Humorous Healthy Living Commentary by Hallmark Character Maxine

Dear fitness buffs:

Pretty much everyone in America wants to lose weight, and frankly, I don't think people need to worry about it so much. As far as I'm concerned, until you need more than a three-way mirror to see your entire butt, you don't really have a problem.

When people say things like, "I eat healthy because it makes me feel better," they're lying. Eating broccoli may make you look better. Unless you get it stuck in your teeth. Or unless it makes you gag, which is likely. You don't look too good if you're gagging. Know what tastes great on veggie burgers? Lettuce, tomato and beef. For feeling better, though, chocolate wins every time. Nobody should cut chocolate out of their diet. At least, nobody who's a woman. Chocolate is our reward for putting up with men.

And what's up with people saying, "I exercise so I'll have more energy?" What kind of logic is that? Do they go on daily shopping sprees so that they'll have more money? In the winter, do they take off their coats to get warm? The last good run was in my pantyhose. If you need energy, here's what you do: drink lots and lots of coffee. Try it, it really works!

If you want to lose weight: Don't inhale the contents of your fridge. Oh yeah, and keep in mind that muffins don't qualify as healthy snacks if they're bigger than your head.

Diet is a four-letter word

If you need a more complicated diet plan than that, there's no shortage of 'em. The other day, I was looking through as many magazines as I could before they threatened to kick me out of the bookstore. Too bad it wasn't one of those giant chain bookstores. You could move into one of those places and they'd never complain, as long as you occasionally bought one of their six-buck coffees. Or a muffin bigger than your head.

Anyway, from the magazines, I was able to determine what the "experts" consider the perfect diet for someone of my age, height, ward, precinct, and trash-pick-up day. As I recall, it went something like this:

Breakfast: unbuttered toast, orange rind, 1/4 cup of decaf, and one fried egg (smelled, not eaten).

Lunch: 3 medium-length celery stalks, lick the lid of a skim milk bottle, and a raisin. Then, for dessert Oh, wait, the raisin was the dessert.

Dinner: Any combination of the above plus fat-free soy-based, plain yogurt with a cherry on top (cherry for decoration only).

If I actually ate what I'm supposed to, I'd lose weight, because I'd never feel like eating. Do the weight-loss wackos who come up with these diets actually try them?! I don't see why my favorite foods are never included. Jelly donuts, for instance. They've got fruit in them! How could they not be healthy?

Remember, "healthy" starts with "hell"

They're always changing what's healthy, anyway. Pork rinds, for instance, are now healthy. They have nine grams of protein. Wine is now healthy; a little wine is good for the heart. (And a great big whine is good for the attitude.) Ice cream -- I mean the real kind, not frozen yogurt; freeze yogurt all you want, it's still not ice cream -- is not healthy, but give it a couple of years.

The fact that no one's quite sure what is actually good for you doesn't stop you from being bombarded with diet advice. "You can put salsa on anything!" one diet guru says. Sure you can. It just doesn't always taste good. "Eat more vegetables!" another says. I intend to -- as soon as they make them taste like pepperoni pizza. Who says biotechnology is bad? "Drink six to eight glasses of water a day!" The only way I could do that would be to put a water cooler in my bathroom. "You should treat your body like a temple." I do. One where junk food comes to worship.

Right now I'm on the no-carb diet. I don't eat any carburetors. Okay, the diet is a little more restrictive than that, but it's still not a bad one, as diets go. Basically you eat meat. Lots and lots of meat. Meat trucks pull up to your door. Birds of prey circle your garbage disposal. After three weeks on that diet, you begin to pack a club and look for mastodons.

Get in shape? I say get used to the shape you're in

Of course, if diets aren't your thing, the other way to lose weight is to exercise. I remember that once, when I went out early to get the neighbor's paper, I saw people running down the street. Naturally, I looked for the rabid dog or the invading army tanks or something that would make seemingly sane people get up and run like crazy people. Turned out they were crazy people.

I know someone who goes to a gym. She drives a mile to get there to walk on a treadmill. And she pays to go to this place. As far as I'm concerned, "gym" is for 5th graders who can't figure out how to forge a doctor's note to get out of it.

Don't get me wrong. There are a few kinds of exercise I actually enjoy. Hang-gliding is exhilarating and it gives you a chance to see which of your neighbors has a pool, and when it's left unattended. Bodysurfing seems like a great idea, though so far, none of the guys at the beach will let me ride 'em. Kayaking is also fun, even if it does sound like the noise you make when you're trying to clear phlegm out of your throat in the morning. I don't make that sound quite so much since I quit smoking. Yeah, I did it. Yeah, it was hard. But it was worth it, because now I get to make fun of people who smoke. I suppose it might have been easier for me to quit than for some. I've always been pretty good at kickin' butts.

Which brings me to the one workout I really enjoy: Tae-Bo. Kickin' butt to music? I should have thought of that years ago!

Can't get enough wit and wisdom from America's premier blue-haired smart mouth? My advice is to visit your local Hallmark Gold Crown Store and check out my latest greeting cards, gifts and my newest book, Maxine: Yelling It Like It Is. I think you'll find it fascinating. I know I do.

With attitude,

Maxine,

Your queen of quips

Courtesy of ARA Content, www.ARAcontent.com, e-mail: info@ARAcontent.com

EDITOR'S NOTE: For more information, contact Lana Hovey, Hallmark Cards, at (816) 274-5883.