How to fix network television and the NBA

You know how, every now and then, a great idea pops into your head that just makes you sit back and think, "Why am I not heading a major television network?"

Well, this happens to yours truly on a seemingly daily basis. Not that all the ideas are great, but, hey, neither was "Girls Club" or "Bram & Alice," and they somehow managed to make it to the networks.

So here are just a few of those ideas that could help boost both the networks' and the NBA's waning popularity.

The Kemps

If you like the one Mom, one Dad, and two kids formula of MTV's "The Osbournes," then you'll love "The Kemps." It's nine times the moms and five times the kids as NBA superstar Shawn Kemp and all nine of his baby's mothers move into the same suburban Orlando house. You'll love the newest reality series that NBA players are already raving about:

"It's coach-chokingly hilarious," says New York Knick guard Latrell Sprewell.

Quipped L.A. Clippers forward Lamar Odom, "I smoked weed and laughed for hours."

You will, too. So move over, Ozzy, America's new favorite family is coming to a television near you.

According to Don

Forget that other network with its other Belushi. CBS has a new face and a new attitude, and both belong to Don Swayze. You'll fall in love with his signature blank stare as the younger, less-talented Swayze brings his unique comic timing and deadpan delivery to the Eye on the Dial. Co-starring Dan Lauria, Manute Bol, and Estelle Getty as "Mother Hen," this can't-miss hit is sure to leave no doubt as to who is the less talented of the coattail-riding younger celebrity siblings.

Double Double

Anything can happen when a codgety veteran detective (Ernest Borgnine) and a young, brash, street-smart NBA star (Allen Iverson) get partnered up on a Philadelphia homicide unit.

TV Guide says, "This is the best buddy-cop vehicle since 'Cop and a Half.'"

Iverson may be an All-Star on the court, but Borgnine's the best at collerin' the perp. You won't want to miss this slam dunk police drama. Only on the WB.

Cancers in the Clubhouse

One beautiful Pacific Northwest city. Eleven out-of-place social outcasts. And one lost foreigner. From the network that brought you "Greed" and "Costello," comes a new reality series that will leave NBA fans on the edge of their seats.

The Portland Trail Blazers are a team in turmoil, but you ain't seen nothin' until you follow them through their locker room antics, court appearances, random league-mandated drug tests, and run-ins with the law.

Co-starring Maurice Cheeks as "The Coach," Microsoft billionaire Paul Allen as "The Owner," and Qyntel Woods as "The Rook," "Cancers in the Clubhouse" is one reality series you can't afford to miss.

Also, be sure to catch comedic newcomer Arvydas Sabonis, whose broken English and deer-in-headlights gaze have Entertainment Weekly magazine calling him "TV's funniest foreigner since Balki Bartokomous."

So there they are, a few ideas for those of you who actually are out there running your own television networks. And be sure to stay in touch, because tomorrow's a new day, and that means new ideas.