Handin' out some hardware to the hard workin' boys of the NBA

Before I begin, allow me some room for introductions. For all one of you out there who might have read my previous columns, let me begin by telling you this column will be a far cry from anything I've written before. I also feel it's necessary to give you a better idea of who I am, so here it goes.

When it comes to sports, I root for some of the worst organizations in professional sports. Now don't get me wrong, I didn't choose to root for terrible organizations, they've just become terrible since I started rooting for them. Among the teams that hold my allegiances are the Washington Redskins, the New York Mets, and the New York Knicks.

You may recall the Redskins' glory days in the 1980s. I sure don't. I'm young enough to only really remember the time I like to refer to as "The Mark Rypien Era," which preceded the disastrous "Heath Shuler Era," which, sadly, the Redskins are still feeling the ill effects of.

You may also recall the 1986 Mets. Once again, I don't (except from countless airings of Game 6 on ESPN Classic). The team I most associate with when I think of my Mets is the early-1990s Mets, who boasted such upstanding citizens as Bobby Bonilla and Vince "The Firecracker" Coleman.

But, the epitome of my lack of luck with respect to my favorite teams is this year's New York Knicks. Their best player is currently not allowed to associate with the rest of the team and their latest star-in-waiting, Antonio McDyess, won't play a single game this season.

Alas, this column's not about me, so without further adieu I give you my preseason NBA Awards:

George Dzundza Award

This award is named after master thespian George Dzundza. Who is George Dzundza, you ask? Allow me to enlighten you. Dzundza played the fat, bartending friend in the classic 1970s film "The Deer Hunter." From there, he went on to several more pounds and a role as the fat cop in the original cast of "Law & Order." After his run on that show, Dzundza went on to play Christina Applegate's fat, bartending Dad in the short-lived sitcom "Jesse," and now plays a morbidly obese priest in the CBS show "Hack." Notice a pattern, here?

So this award honors the NBA player, who, no matter how many times you see him, is fatter than the last time you saw him.

This year's Dzundza Award winner is Orlando Magic forward Shawn Kemp. With honorable mention to Nets point guard Chris Childs (who's currently suspended without pay until he loses enough weight to be in playing shape), Kemp wins this hands-down. Graceful he ain't. I don't know if there's anything more entertaining in the NBA right now than watching Kemp attempting to make plays or even jump. Here's hoping the Magic win it all this year just so we can all watch Kemp plod through the playoffs.

"Magic Hour" Award

This award is named after Magic Johnson's sadly short-lived talk show, "The Magic Hour." This was the most awkward show in the history of television, so this award honors the most awkward new TV personality in the NBA. (On another note, if there are any network heads out there reading this, please put reruns of "The Magic Hour" on in syndication. Please.)

This year's winner is new ESPN analyst and former NBA All-Star Tim Hardaway. Did anyone audition him or was he just given the job? Here's a few of Tim's quotes from Friday night's "NBA Shootaround," where Hardaway is paired with ESPN anchor Kevin Frazier (who must've broken up with his boss' daughter to get this awful assignment):

* "What I wanna say?" (this after he stuttered for several seconds as he stared blankly into the camera.)

* "Ain't nobody gonna score 100 points in the East."

* "Yeah, you right." (recanting the previous quote.)

* "They outscored the Grizzlies and gave them a bunch of points." (analysis at its best.)

I'm speechless. On to the next award.

The "What to Do in Denver When You're Dead" Award

This award's namesake is the film "What to Do in Denver when You're Dead" and honors the NBA team with the most entertaining ensemble cast. The film featured Andy Garcia, Treat Williams (a.k.a. "The Greatest Screen Actor of Our Time"), Christopher Lloyd and a masterful Christopher Walken as The Man with the Plan, a role he was born to play.

This year's winner is the Portland Trail Blazers, who just get more and more entertaining by the minute. With the most entertaining asset in the NBA, Shawn Kemp, now gone from the mix, it didn't look bright for the Blazers to win this award. Then came draft night and the Blazers' chance to pick up a headcase. CUE QYNTEL WOODS!!!

Lots of talent? Questionable work ethic? Heart's not really in the game? Welcome to Portland Mr. Woods. Woods joins fellow outcasts and frequent police blotter guest stars Damon Stoudamire, Ruben Patterson and Rasheed Wallace to form the most entertaining team in the NBA.

This failed chemistry experiment is so entertaining to watch I'd love to see their clubhouse turned into a reality show along the lines of MTV's "The Real World." This would be classic television if for no other reason than to watch the look on Arvydas Sabonis' face throughout the season. (Now I'm beginning to ramble and I'm sensing another column in the wings. We'll get back to this, but, for now, there's more awards to present.)

Craig Sheffler Award

Named after former Seattle Supersonics 12th man Craig Sheffler, who epitomized the phrase "garbage minutes" throughout his career. Sheffler played on the early-mid 1990s Sonics teams that boasted the likes of Kemp and Gary Payton and he'd never play until the Sonics would either be killing someone or getting killed themselves.

This year's Craig Sheffler Award winner is the Lakers' Mark Madsen. Now, you're probably thinking, "But he's on the Lakers, he must be better than the 12th man on the Grizzlies." Not so. You see, a Sheffler Award winner has to be on a winning team, a team so strapped for cash from paying their superstars that they'll pay the bottom two or three guys in the league just to fill up league-mandated roster spots.

And nobody means less to his team than Madsen, who you get the feeling is only around to give Shaq a big goofy white guy to toss around in practice and then make fun of. And Madsen, with his overall lack of coordination and non-existent sense of awareness on the court, is a poor man's Craig Sheffler.

The David Caruso "What Were You Thinking?" Award

The inspiration for this award came from former "NYPD Blue" star David Caruso, who left the show at the height of its popularity for the more attractive world of obscurity and B movies.

No one in professional sports is more deserving of this award than the portly Kemp, who left $16 million on the table in Portland to begin his career anew in Orlando. It's almost as though Kemp called Caruso to ask his advice on what to do. There's no other explanation.

Well, there it is. This season's NBA awards. All I've done here is give you things to look for in what could be a very entertaining NBA season. And, please, if there are any network heads reading this, there's at least four weeks of "Magic Hour" episodes that syndication would love to have. Just a thought.