Why we must ban all fun now

This evening, hundreds of thousands of British children will be maimed for life in that orgy of sectarian hatred which is Bonfire Night. Some - probably about four - will be injured by the untimely or malicious detonation of fireworks. The majority, though, will be psychologically scarred through being coerced to participate in an event which is as ideologically repellent as it is outdated.

The better news, though, is that Bonfire Night is nearing the end of its run. Its fuse lies spluttering on the ground and will soon be extinguished by a potent coalition of progressive minds.

This coalition includes government ministers, accident-prevention charities, the fire service, insurance loss adjusters, and even BBC Radio 4's Thought for the Day. Against such enlightened forces the irresponsible populace will, eventually, crumble. There is evidence this year that they are already doing so.

In the village of Sherston in Wiltshire they will be proceeding with their evening's ill-advised celebrations as usual but, crucially, without a bonfire. The insurance people have hiked the premium for the event from £200 to more than £2,000 because of the very real risk of a destructive, all-consuming conflagration. So the organisers have been forced to create a consensual, risk-free bonfire-like structure which will not, actually, be lit. Brightly coloured tinsel - a danger to nobody - will mimic the inferno. This is a good start, but it does not go far enough.

Every year politicians implore us not to hold our own ad-hoc firework parties because a) we are too irresponsible and stupid to do so safely and b) we do not have the required training, qualifications, first aid badges, knowledge of the appropriate regulations, paperwork etc. So it was heartening this year to hear the call come from government level, in the person of the charismatic Minister for Stopping People Doing Things, Nick Raynsford. Mr Raynsford was particularly worried that there might be a firefighters' strike tonight; but we would be kidding ourselves if that was the full extent of his disaffection with Bonfire Night. It is surely something more instinctive and visceral than that.

Clifford Longley, on Thought for the Day, perhaps best encapsulated the enlightened view of these hideous, archaic proceedings. What a foul thing it is to throw the crudely constructed effigy of a freedom-fighter upon a flaming mound, screaming: "Burn the popeish bastard!" What lesson does this send out to our children? Is it beyond our imagination to create a new game for the evening, whereby youngsters could be encouraged to retrieve the Guy from the flames and enter into a healing, consensual discourse with it, stressing the desirability and richness of religious diversity?

It's pretty clear that, with the benefit of admittedly four centuries of hindsight, Guido Fawkes should not have been hanged at all but instead, released from prison after a nominal sentence to serve in a democratically accountable Irish Assembly. Perhaps as education minister. This is the message we should be conveying to our young people.

Of course, most of the children in attendance this evening will already have been rendered hyperactive, obese and brain-damaged by the comestibles on offer. Hot dogs are rich in sugar, salt, carbohydrates and saturated fats. What's wrong with a nice salad? Why not serve up rocket - an appropriate choice of leaf, I think - in a light yoghurt dressing? Having poisoned our children's minds must we poison their stomachs too?

You see, Bonfire Night offends on almost every level (and I haven't even mentioned the genocide wreaked upon hedgehogs, field-mice and shrews which, each year, find temporary accommodation underneath the logs and branches and smashed up bits of Ikea and MFI sofas and coffee tables).

I suggest the government convene a committee - headed, perhaps, by Lord Birt or that chap who played Baldrick - to create a new celebration for the autumn months commensurate with the richness and diversity of British life in the 21st century. Something inclusive, which would offend nobody. And most importantly, something run by the appropriate authorities.