Children's Adjustment to Divorce: Things You Need to Know

1. Children are resilient. You bet they are…much more so than adults.

2. Children’s adjustment to divorce is greatly influenced by the way their parents conduct themselves. Children guide their own behaviour and how they respond to things based on what they observe in their parents. When they see their parents upset and angry, they will respond to the instability.

The "rule of thumb" is… when parents settle down, so will the kids!

3. It then follows that … since children look to their parents for guidance, support and comfort, the sooner the conflict between the adults is resolved the sooner children will adjust.

4. Some children may have difficulty expressing how they feel. Many of these children show their distress in other ways such as disturbances in sleeping and eating patterns or in somatic complaints such as headaches or tummy aches. This is how children let their parents and others know that they are upset. Children simply don’t have the ability to process things as well as adults.

Think of it this way… divorce is something adults have a hard time dealing with – why should it be any easier for kids? Especially when they don’t have the capacity to understand what the heck is happening!!

5. Even very young children (under age four) sense the change in routine and their parents’ distress. For young children, their upset often comes in the form of increased irritability, regression in toilet training and changes in eating patterns.

6. Sometimes, a parent’s upset is so overwhelming that they aren’t able to recognize the impact it has on their children. Parents should make every effort not to expose their children to any divorce related discussions or remarks about the other parent.

7. Children feel extremely vulnerable to any criticisms of one parent by the other. In fact, this is about the worst thing you can expose your child to. Remember, children’s perception of their parents’ relationship is very different from one spouse’s perception of the other. When children are exposed to criticism of their parents, this makes them feel insecure, upset and confused.

More importantly, hearing a parent being criticized puts kids in a "no win" situation when they feel that their love for one parent is at the expense of having to hear criticisms about the other parent whom they also love.

8. When children are exposed to disparaging remarks about one parent by the other, it has profoundly negative effects on them. This is because children see themselves as extensions of each parent, which when you think of it – it’s absolutely true!!

It then makes sense that any negative remarks children hear about their parents actually raises doubts about their own self-concept and self-worth. For example, when a child hears the remark, "Your mother/father is nothing more than a stupid and lazy oaf", they actually internalize it as a reflection upon themselves.

9. Unless a child’s physical and emotional well-being is threatened by having contact with a parent, every effort should be made to insure that children have frequent contact with both parents. Children should not be punished by losing an important person in their life just because their parents choose to end their relationship.

10. The younger the child, the more frequently they should have contact with both parents. For example, for children under two years of age, contact should occur daily, even if it is for a few minutes at a time. Some parents are able to arrange this by sharing the transportation of a young child to and from daycare or carpooling to extracurricular activities.

The length of time is less important than the frequency of contact!

As your family takes on a new form, remember that your children are likely to be just as confused, upset and even as frightened as you are. Although their experience of divorce will be very different than yours, their pain and upset is just as real!

Copyright 2003: Reena Sommer, Ph.D.