General: Top 10 athlete arrests of all time

Every man, no matter what some might say, would love to have a son who grows up to be a professional athlete. It's the ultimate way of saying, "Hey, that's my kid."

I must admit I am no different. Although I don't have any kids, I would love to someday have a professional athlete son who I could live vicariously through.

But Friday's news coming out of Portland that two Trail Blazers had been arrested for marijuana possession got me thinking about my yet-to-be-conceived super athlete of a son. For instance, as I mold my son and slowly transform myself into the second coming of Todd Marinovich's dad, I hope all that work doesn't result in my son being drafted by the Blazers or the Dallas Cowboys.

Not that these are bad franchises. It just seems that their players are always having run-ins with the law. This, in turn, got me thinking again (I know, I need a break from all this!) about my all-time favorite athlete-police altercations.

So here they are, my Top 10 Athlete Arrests of All Time.

1. Eddie Belfour, goalie, Dallas Stars, 3-21-2000. The crime: assault and resisting arrest. The details: After a drunken scuffle at his hotel, Belfour kicked two police officers in the chest, spit in another officer's face, and begged the cops not to arrest him by offering them a bribe of $1 billion. When the cops declined to accept his bribe, Belfour was placed in a squad car, where he put his cowboy boots on the dashboard before vomiting on himself.

Without a doubt, this is my all-time favorite run-in between The Man and a professional athlete. It has everything you look for in a hilarious arrest: drunkenness, the "do you know who I am?" mentality, the vomiting. It's all there. The best part about this arrest was that Belfour initially attempted to bribe the officers with $100,000, and then progressively raised the amount until he reached $1 billion. $1 BILLION! You have to give him points for persistence. I can only imagine his drunken thought process as he continued to raise the amount of money he was willing to fork over to avoid being arrested: "They're holding out for the billion. Alright, I'll play that game. $1 billion it is." Priceless. Way to go, Eddie! You have raised the bar for all would-be felons who also happen to play professional sports. I salute you.

2. Eugene Robinson, safety, Atlanta Falcons, 1-30-1999. The crime: solicitation. The details: The night before his Falcons were to play in the Super Bowl, Robinson offered an undercover officer $40 for oral sex.

On the surface, an athlete being arrested for solicitation is not all-that unique. However, when that athlete is Robinson, whose devout religious beliefs earned him the nickname "The Prophet," it's an arrest for the ages. Add to that the fact that it was the night before the Super Bowl, when players are not even allowed to let their wives sleep in the same hotel rooms as them, and Mr. Robinson earns the number two spot on this list.

Alas, Robinson's awful timing does not stop there. Twelve hours before his arrest, Robinson received the Bart Starr Award from a Christian group called Athletes in Action. The award honors, among other things, an athlete who exhibits high moral character. Oops! But Robinson did end up getting smoked that weekend, after all, as the Broncos pummeled his Falcons 34-19.

3. Dick Williams, former Oakland A's and Seattle Mariners manager, 1-17-2000. The crime: indecent exposure. The details: Police were called to Williams' hotel after several guests reported that the 70-year-old was walking naked and masturbating outside of his room in Fort Myers, Florida, where he was attending a Fantasy Baseball camp.

About the only thing that equals the hilarity of this incident is how disturbing it must have been to witness it. I cannot imagine returning from the ice machine at a Holiday Inn only to see a naked and wrinkly old man masturbating on the sidewalk. However, I must admit, it would be great to see this type of thing advertised on the hundreds of commercials that air for these fantasy baseball camps throughout a typical Major League season. "Act now and we'll even book you into the same hotel as former Reds and Tigers manager Sparky Anderson, who enjoys regularly masturbating in public." Needless to say, Williams' career as a public figure is probably over.

4. Pedro Guerrero, former St. Louis Cardinals first baseman, 6-7-2000. The crime: conspiracy to distribute narcotics. The details: Guerrero reportedly agreed to pay up to $200,000 for a shipment of cocaine.

The best part of this run-in is not the arrest itself, but the manner in which Milton Hirsch, Guerrero's attorney, went about getting his client acquitted. Hirsch argued to a jury that Guerrero dropped out of school in the sixth grade and his IQ of 70 made it impossible for him to understand that he agreed to pay for cocaine. Furthermore, as proof of his client's subpar intelligence, Hirsch claimed that Guerrero did not even know how to make a bed or write a check. And all of this worked!

This defense brings new meaning to the stereotypical dumb jock. There was a time when I thought it was impossible for athletes to be any dumber than Manny Ramirez. I stand corrected.

5. Michael Irvin, wide receiver, Dallas Cowboys, 8-8-2000. The crime: misdemeanor possession of marijuana. The details: When the FBI arrived at a Dallas apartment to arrest a woman for heroin trafficking, they found Irvin, a stripper, and less than two ounces of marijuana.

In one of many arrests of Irvin over the years, this is not anywhere near the most serious. However, it is Irvin's comments after being arrested which make this one of my top five.

"They tore the house up and found I guess what you would call a roach, a half a joint, and that's why I got arrested," Irvin told reporters.

I wonder what drug Irvin was on when he was able to keep a straight face as he pretended he did not know what a roach was. For a man who would come to re-define the rocky relationship between athletes and the law, this is a crowning moment. At least, for now.

6. Kevin Mitchell, former Major League outfielder, 8-31-1999. The crime: felony battery. The details: As he was attempting to evict his dad because his father had failed to pay rent for living in the former slugger's house, the younger Mitchell punched his father in the face.

I don't know which is funnier here, the fact that Mitchell punched his dad or that he was trying to evict him for not paying rent. Or maybe it's the fact that Mitchell, who earned millions of dollars while playing professional baseball, was willing to put his own dad on the street for missing a month or two's rent. Any way you look at it, this is hysterical.

7. Mark Ingram, wide receiver, Miami Dolphins, 1-23-2001. The crime: grand theft auto. The details: Ingram was arrested for driving a stolen Ford Expedition and, at the time of his arrest, was in possession of more than $3,000 in counterfeit money, as well as former teammate Lawrence Taylor's checkbook.

The best part about this is the connection to LT. Taylor more than likely woke up that day and tried his best not to do any crack or have any of his own signature run-ins with the law. Unfortunately, that would not be the case. Just picturing LT squirm while the cops question him as to why Ingram had his checkbook is like watching a bad buddy cop movie when one guy plays the good cop and the other plays the overly aggressive, "I need to go get a cup of coffee" cop. This is almost too much like a movie to even believe.

8. Ruben Patterson, forward, Seattle Supersonics, 9-20-2000. The crime: felony assault. The details: Upon leaving a nightclub in Cleveland, Patterson broke a man's jaw after the man allegedly scratched his car.

When I first heard this, I could not believe it. A former University of Cincinnati Bearcat was in trouble with the law? Nah, can't be that Ruben Patterson. Sure enough, it was, and Patterson was convicted of misdemeanor assault and sentenced to work with a city basketball program. Just what the city of Cleveland needs: its youth in the hands of Ruben Patterson.

Patterson, by the way, has since left the Sonics to play for, who else, the Portland Trail Blazers.

9. Rasheed Wallace and Damon Stoudamire, co-captains, Portland Trail Blazers, 11-22-02. The crime: misdemeanor possession of marijuana. The details: After an impressive road win over division-rival Seattle, Wallace and Stoudamire were pulled over for speeding on their way back to Portland when the officer noticed the strong odor of marijuana emanating from the vehicle.

Where to begin? There are so many comical elements of this arrest that it is nearly impossible to list them all. Perhaps the best is that each of these guys are team captains and apparently the three-hour drive back to Portland was a far too daunting task to tackle unless they were high.

(On a side note, how great would it be to play for the Blazers? Just the opportunity to negotiate the "Anything Goes But Imprisonment Clause" that all Blazers seemingly have in their contracts would be one of the more enjoyable experiences of my life.)

10. Kareem Abdul-Jabaar, former LA Lakers center, 7-18-2000. The crime: investigation of driving under the influence of marijuana. The details: Similar to the Wallace and Stoudamire fiasco, Abdul-Jabaar was pulled over for speeding when the cop noticed marijuana smoke billowing out of his car.

Kareem makes this list simply because he is Kareem. After his arrest, Kareem, who apparently suffers from migraine headaches, said, "I use it to control the nausea which comes with the headaches."

Couldn't have said it better myself, Kareem.