Bat Boy Lives: Idiots Forming National Union

by David Perel and the Editors of the Weekly World News
Published by Sterling; October 2005;$12.95US/$18.95CAN; 1-4027-2823-9

Excerpt
The following is an excerpt from the book Bat Boy Lives!

Weekly World News began covering American politics and U.S. foreign affairs with its own brand of kickass, take-no-prisoners journalism more than two decades ago -- and the world hasn't been the same since!

While its stodgy competitors dished up only the most yawn-inducing account of each day's news, WWN 's network of brash, highly skilled reporters has managed to ferret out the ugly, often titillating, truth behind the headlines, sending jittery officials around the globe scurrying for cover.

By exposing the mind-boggling secrets and underhanded shenanigans that world leaders have tried so desperately to conceal, WWN has repeatedly changed the course of human history -- for the better, most would say.

--When Weekly World News revealed in 1994 that 12 U.S. senators were space aliens, the senators readily admitted having extraterrestrial origins. Their cover blown, the politicians from Planet X vowed to work harder than ever to improve conditions on Earth.

--When WWN reported that then-First Lady Hillary Clinton wanted to paint the White House blue to leave her mark on Washington, an outraged public demanded that she settle for painting her toenails and leave the White House . . . .well, white.

«And when the tabloid disclosed that Al Qaeda was secretly implanting bombs in the breasts of buxom lady terrorists to blow American buildings and American citizens to smithereens, Osama Bin Laden's own followers were so disgusted by the affront to womanhood that they forced the idiot terror chief to back off his ghastly plan.

" Weekly World News has put government big shots everywhere on notice that there will be no more secrets," one insider said.

"If the President plots to abolish Social Security or the First Lady is having her way with some scrawny little E.T. or Saddam Hussein tries to shrink the penis of every American man or Teddy Kennedy is turning tricks with a Bigfoot hooker, you can bet that Weekly World News will spill the beans every time.

"Public officials have to act with more caution these days because they know Weekly World News is watching them -- and that makes the world a better, safer place for all of us."

The newspaper's unceasing quest for the truth has been fraught with danger, however -- and, on occasion, marred by tragedy.

--In 1989, agents of Cuban kingpin Fidel Castro -- angered over WWN 's revelation that the dingbat dictator was madly in love with TV fatty Roseanne -- burst into the office of the newspaper's Havana bureau and dragged two hapless reporters into the street. They were never heard from again.

--In 2001, Chinese fighter planes forced the Weekly World News corporate jet to land on a small island in the East China Sea, where Commie airmen held WWN reporters and photographers at gunpoint for six terrifying hours while attempting to dissuade them from opening a news bureau in Taiwan. The Chinese finally allowed the jet to go on its way after reporters regaled them with stories of their adventures around the world.

--In 2004, a correspondent who had slipped into North Korea to report on Kim Jong's decree that all citizens do the Hokey-Pokey or be executed on the spot choked to death while chewing on a stringy shih tzu leg in a posh Pyongyang restaurant.

The risks have been great -- but WWN's hit-'em-where-it-hurts reporting has changed the way the world does business. Its journalists have been so dogged and so dedicated, in fact, that Russian President Vladimir Putin insists that Weekly World News almost single-handedly brought about the collapse of Communism beginning in 1989.

"Communism requires a closed and secret society, and it simply proved impossible to operate in secrecy with Weekly World News badgering our government night and day," Putin said. "Finally, Communist leaders just threw in the towel and said, `You win.'"

Copyright (c) 2005 David Perel and the Editors of the Weekly World News