The Lunchification of Charles

From yesterday's White House press briefing:

"Scott, some of our British friends take this very seriously. And Prince Charles has signaled that he wants to talk to the President, preferably tomorrow, about climate warm - climate change, and about treatment toward moderate Muslims? Does President Bush want to discuss these topics with Prince Charles?

Mr McCLELLAN: "The President is looking forward to the visit. He'll be glad to talk about whatever issues Prince Charles may want to bring up. This is a social visit. The President and Mrs Bush are looking forward to hosting their Royal Highnesses at a social lunch tomorrow."

And so it came to pass ...

CHARLES: Mr President, I don't think you've met my - my wife, Camilla.

BUSH: Laura and me were thankful to hear you'd celebrated your bond in the eyes of the Lord, Charles. There's nothing like it.

CHARLES: Er, quite.

BUSH: At this time of day, we generally take time for a short prayer in thanks for what God has supplied us. Would you join us?

CAMILLA: Darling, would you mind awfully if I nipped into the kitchen for a very quick cigarette?

LAURA: This is a non-smoking household, Princess. If you take Barney's leash he'll show you a spot out back where Jenna likes to take a rain-check.

CHARLES: Off you go, Duchess. (Pats her rump affectionately

CAMILLA: Ooh! I won't be a seccy, Charlie.

BUSH: How's that ranch of yours at Highgate, sir?

CHARLES: Wonderful. Absolutely thriving, as it happens. Quite extraordinary thing, you know, how much one can charge for a packet of biscuits, and it all gets ploughed back into the soil - in every sense, really. Quite amazing how the whole cycle renews itself - that is, if one helps nature take its course, in a holistic way, I mean to say.

BUSH: Nature's a holy thing. But cycling's off the table, if I can be straight with you. Laura won't let me back on the bike since I took a hit on the home run.

CHARLES: Hunting's the thing, Mr President. Nothing moves like Camilla on a horse.

BUSH: Yeah. We've got Ofelia on the ranch in Crawford.

CHARLES: Is she organic?

BUSH: Far as I know. Vitamin, vetaminarian, checked her last month. Nothing missing.

CHARLES: (removing a small pot from his coat pocket) Understand you're rather land-locked in Texas - thought some fish pate might go down rather well - sustainable, of course.

BUSH: Kipper and lemon! Laura, Barney is going to love this flavour. Real great of you to think of him.

LAURA: Isn't that the kindest thing.

CHARLES: The disturbances, you know, the winds, the floods, in the South. Camilla and I were deeply troubled by what - by what was going on, and the dreadful effects one sees from the ravages. One reaps, you know, what one sows.

BUSH: Yeah. But, you know, what I did was, I flew over the state that was afflicted, the whole area. And then I came back the next day. And I think I got a pretty good idea of what was going on down there. And I think I can say, and your president Tony Blair got this right, that what you saw on the BBC did not give an impression that was truthful, that was accurate, about what was going on, on the ground, in the water.

CHARLES: Photographers. Bloody people.

BUSH: You said it.

CHARLES: They'll appreciate us when we've gone, you know. What we did. But as hard as one tries, all one gets is criticism.

BUSH: Couldn't agree more.

CHARLES: I've been trying, you know, to convince Tony that when I, when my mother, when it's my turn, we should do something really quite radical, and show those wretched Anglican bishops who's in charge. What I've been proposing is that we, I, should be Defender of the Faiths, not just the Faith. Because there are so very many diverse ways of believing, you know, of celebrating one's faith in a deity - or perhaps, as some would have it, in several deities, possibly even a large number - and one doesn't wish to exclude. I had such a fruitful, encouraging discussion, you know, with an imam who helped me come up with the design for my Islamic tiles at Highgrove. It makes one realise that they don't all, you know, want to blow themselves up.

BUSH: Yeah. Tony's having a bad day, Scott was telling me. I told him he can come over any time. I like the sound of this Defender of the Faith, Charles. I like the sound of it. In many ways, God tells me He'd like me to do something like that over here.

CHARLES: Difficult, of course, damn difficult to change things back to the way they were, really since the Boston Tea Party, if one thinks about it.

BUSH: Yeah. Yale's in Connecticut, though. But I'll look into it, I'll have a word, a word with Dick. If we can't do it here, there's a lot of jobs going in Iraq.

CHARLES: One doesn't want to impose, of course.

BUSH: Tell me about it.