The Virgin Bio Engine

When Richard Branson was a small boy his parents bought him a train set to play with. Within minutes the budding entrepreneur had wired it up to the mains to make it go faster and was charging his friends 2 chocolate biscuits to view his super fast train set. "The lad will go far" said Branson senior and he was right. There’s no denying Richard Branson has to be admired for his success but I think his greatest achievement is yet to unfold. Beneath the cheesy grin and woolly jumper lurks a sharp business brain, always pushing the boundaries for commercial success. Branson has done it again and I think I know what his next move is.

Whilst finding a seat on one of the new Virgin Voyager trains I could not help notice the dreadful smell of poo. It wasn’t the first time I’d been aboard this multimillion pound investment in new technology, I’d notice the pong before and thought it was just a faulty loo but no, this was common to every Voyager I’ve now been on. Now you might say it’s a simple design fault that leaves Richard in the embarrassing position of having to admit that his sparkling new trains smell like Corfu town centre in the height of the holiday season. WRONG! What is actually going on here is a covert experiment into the new Branson Bio Engine. Ever looking for that competitive edge, Branson has spotted a gap in a future market. When fossil fuels run out Branson will be there with the ultra sophisticated Bio Engine capable of running on dung power. All the new Voyager trains are powered by the Bio engine and when the time is right it will be thrust in our faces as the answer to all our power needs. The Marketing machine that is Virgin will spring into life with slogans like ‘The more you crap the faster we go’ and ‘Travel with Virgin. Excellent in excrement’ If you don’t believe me take a look at the virgin trains web site at http://www.virgintrains.co.uk/redirect.asp?69 notice the extraordinarily large compartment for the loo. On a standard train it’s about a third of the size. Why the big bog Richard?

The Sun will no doubt be the first to attack the project with headlines like ‘Craps on the Tracks’ but quickly the technology will spread as oil becomes an expensive material to process. When petrol prices start soaring vehicles of every kind will want a bio engine and Branson’s glory day will have arrived. This could be a great solution to help with our under funded military. No more dangerous nuclear powered subs. They will have to be refit with a bio engine. Britain will once again be in the fore front of innovation as our military gain the upper hand on the battle field. Colin Powel will phone Tony Blair to ask if we can send in a squadron of Stink Jets to attack Al Qaeda. As the jets swoop down the enemy will be reaching for their gas masks saying "for God’s sake don’t shoot it down’. No shots need be fired, just a low pass over the enemy will have them puking uncontrollably whilst the Para’s move in to take them prisoner. It need not stop there, further refinements may mean we can have a sustainable energy source for space travel. We can build space ships like The star ship Voyager on Star Trek. A crew of about 600 people can easily power a bio engine. Fantastic stuff.

I believe that one day we will be whizzing around the galaxy like the Voyager crew, exploring and dumping spent bio fuel onto far distant eco systems. It’s all perfectly feasable but what gets me when you watch Star Trek is how every one is a bloody expert on everything, I mean that’s the bit I find impossible to believe in. Yes I think we will be able to travel at the speed of light and yes I think we will have transporters but have you ever noticed that no matter who it is who has to save Voyager they know all the systems inside out. Come on that’s just not possible is it. I’d like to see a bit of realism in the program like if Voyager is being attacked by the Borg and Torez can’t make it to engineering because she’s too busy topping up the bio engine and Tom Paris has to get them out of trouble, why can’t we see him going "err well it’s been a while since I did this and it think it’s this red button."

"But won’t that send a tackyon beam feed back loop into the conduit sir" says a junior officer
"Well what about this conical shaped device if I insert it here, maybe it will send an anti matter surge back along their tractor beam" At that point Captain Janway would arrive in the nick of time to say "Look you dick heads the ship is under attack, we are all about to be assimilated and your stood around my coffee percolator" That would add in a real human dimension wouldn’t it. People just can’t remember every thing can they. What about the guy that operates the transporter, he’s’ got to be off sick some time. "All right Tuvok I’m going to beam you onto the surface of the planet just hang on cause it’s a while since I’ve done this….here goes.. done"
"You’ve failed Mr. Aveyard I’m stood behind you"
"Oh sorry let me try again….there"
"No..now I’m on top of the fridge"
"one more go"
"Now I’m in the slurry tank of the bio engine"
"Shit"
"Precisely"

It’s going to happen believe me. It doesn’t matter how clever our technology gets people with still be operating it but just remember it all started out with a secret project on a Virgin Voyager.