Who is Buying All the Diana Kitsch?

Occasionally in courtrooms around the world, judges and juries are exposed to some pretty horrific images. Violent scenes from security cameras, graphic descriptions of cruelty and neglect or horrific photographs of murder victims. But in a courtroom in LA last week, even hardened police officers winced as Exhibit A was put on display. It was the porcelain Princess Diana tea set, featuring the exclusive English rose motif and gold-effect embellishment. Worse was to come, as the cover was whisked off Exhibit B: a 10in-tall Queen of Hearts collectable china doll, in the dress Lady Di wore on her wedding day, perfectly capturing her unmistakable blue eyes and bright red lips, individually hand painted at some sweat shop in Costa Rica.

Some in the courtroom were forced to avert their eyes, others wanted to be sick, as each one of these stomach-churning over-priced pieces of tat was passed around the courtroom. No one had seen anything as ghastly since finding themselves unable to look away from QVC, the shopping channel.

Perhaps it was to avoid months of this trauma that the case was settled out of court this week. The Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fund had looked set to lose millions after an ill-advised attempt to block Franklin Mint, one of America's biggest memorabilia companies, from marketing souvenirs in the late princess's image. To help get some of that money back, Camilla kindly offered to allow her own image to be put on souvenir plates, but the charity said, "No. I think we're all right, thanks..." Meanwhile, Mohamed Al Fayed claimed that the whole court case was a result of a conspiracy between M15, the Duke of Edinburgh and Mossad.

But somewhere in the middle of this suing and counter-suing, it appears that the real victims have been forgotten: the tragic cases that the charity was originally set up to help. Take a typical sufferer, Mrs X from Didsbury. Once, Mrs X was a normal, well-adjusted middle-aged woman, but following a car accident (which happened hundreds of miles away in Paris) there seemed to be a rapid deterioration in her sense of good taste. She rushed to London, stopping at a garage to buy some wilting carnations to bung on the pile outside Kensington Palace. But this only fed a tragic addiction that saw her spending her last few quid on an entire Queen of Hearts dinner set, a Princess of Wales jewelled tribute ring and a realistic Diana enchantment doll which said, "You could say it was a crowded marriage" when you pulled a little string in her back.

The really frightening thing about all this fantastically kitsch Diana memorabilia is that there really are thousands of people out there who are buying it unironically. You'd think it was just gay couples giving each other the stuff for a laugh, but there really are people who want to spend their Sunday lunches dolloping mashed swede on to the face of a dim Sloane who died in a car crash.

Images of royal celebrities have always been in high demand. After the death of Anne Boleyn, every Tudor corner cabinet gave pride of place to a hand-painted little ceramic doll with no head. But the death of Diana raised this macabre fascination to a new level as all sorts of inappropriate merchandise flooded the market. Frankly, I thought that special-edition "Di and Dodi vs the paparazzi" Scalextric was in poor taste.

But it turns out that no one actually owns the image of Diana, Princess of Wales, Queen of Hearts, who I think lived her life a little bit like a candle in the wind. This particular legal battle had raged back and forth since 1998. And now all those members of the public who gave their savings to the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fund will be delighted to learn that their charitable donations have been passed on to those who need it most: American lawyers.

"Remember, for every copy sold of Elton John's rehashed tribute song, £1 goes directly to millionaire ambulance chasers who gave completely the wrong advice about copyright law. And just look what else we've been able to do with your cash: £50 allowed us to buy a two-minute phone call with a Californian barrister; £100 paid for another silk tie for the law firm's accountant; £1,000 helped that Harvard law graduate to pay off the loan on his second sports car. But please keep your donations coming in, because now it's time to get on with what this charity does best."

Yup, the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fund is now suing the original lawyers who urged the charity to sue the Franklin Mint. Ah, it's what she would have wanted. At least when Diana walked into a minefield someone had the sense to check it first.